Each time I’m asked to speak, I’m humbled once again that God would use anything that comes out of my mouth to bring Him glory. Early on in this process, I told God if He opens the doors, I will go through them. At the time, I didn’t know that meant public speaking but He’s able to work through anyone or anything.  I am definitely not a professional speaker by any means but the Lord is gracious to use my mouth to bring Him glory.

In February it was 2 years when this project began unbeknownst to me and 2ish years later, it still seems like it’s going as strong as ever. Reaching and speaking to people from multiple different backgrounds.

Humbling is seriously the only word that truly encapsulates my thoughts. God doesn’t need me. He doesn’t need us yet He chooses to use us.

Anyway, here is one of many speaking engagements (a shorter version) that was recorded. I seriously cannot believe people 1) ask me to speak and 2) people listen to me. Absolutely crazy that God is entrusting me with these opportunities.  I haven’t brought myself to listen to it but maybe some day.  I’ve only heard good things from it but I’m much too critical of myself to listen to it. Even this video is unlisted on youtube, so only the 2 people that read this blog can listen to it, if they wanted. I just don’t want to brag on myself. This isn’t a story about me.

RBC Chapel

God is good. All the time.

Another draft saved, which may seem contradicting to the last post. It isn’t.

Being single is hard. Ground breaking, I know. (I’m sure being married isn’t a walk in the park, either.) You’re all probably getting sick of my relationship/single posts. Sorry, kind of. This is where I am at in life. I can honestly tell you I wouldn’t have chosen or thought I would be 26 and single. However, it has given me a perspective I know I wouldn’t have had if I was married young (and no, I am not looking down on those that were). I’m thankful for this perspective I’ve gained.

I do things alone. A lot of things. Many of which are just normal part of life now. Eat alone. Watch movies alone. Go to plays alone. For the most part, I navigate life alone. I do have friends who love and care for me. Most of them are married or live elsewhere. It’s just how life has unfolded. I used to have specific friends who I’d go to if things were rough or even good to share life with but now it’s pretty sporadic, if I do at all.

However, it’s hardest to do things alone when you just want to share it with someone. Watching a movie is whatever. Eating alone, who cares. But this year (of life – 26) specifically has been a pretty big one. ArtPrize, numerous speaking engagements and alumnus of the year. Please let me make this clear, I know these are not my accomplishments. I will not boast in myself but in Him and am humbled He would use me, since He certainly doesn’t need me. I know when and if I get married, it will be in His perfect timing. Cliché, I know. That doesn’t mean, I don’t wish he was there supporting or encouraging in the way a husband would in such situations. It really isn’t lonliness as much as it is wanting to share the joy I have with someone else. Someone else who by default…marriage is there for you. No, I’m not naive enough to think that is always how it works, which is why I said marriage isn’t a walk in the park either. It doesn’t automatically “fix” everything. I know when and if I get married, I’ll tell him about these things in life but it’s not the same as experiencing it together.

It’s hard not to play the compare game. That cousins and friends older and younger are dating, getting married, having kids. Yes, kidS. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t difficult but that problem isn’t their problem. It’s mine. And I am happy for them. Very much so. What I and we need to realize is someone will always be better and worse off than you. Comparing yourself, either way, is wrong. It’s a trap we fall into far too often. I definitely do, specifically, referring to relationships. The grass isn’t greener on the other side but we’ve fooled ourselves into thinking so.

I know none of my team looks at me and wishes to be like me. I went to see their HS play…alone, which is no big deal to me but they can’t imagine such a thing.They see a 26 year old single with no relationship. That’s the forefront of their mind as the most important thing. No matter how much I advise them in their relationships or desire for one. They settle because that is what completes them, not the love from the Father.  They and others feel lonely for me. I don’t need that because I’m not lonely.

So there you have it. A heartfelt confession from me. Being single and navigating life alone has its difficulties. It also has positives. Lots of them. Does one outweigh the other? I don’t know and I’m not sure that really matters anyway. Some days are harder than others and vice versa. Simply put, that’s called life.

One thing remains the same in all of it and I want to make it immensely clear, each and every single time I write and talk about singleness. I desire to be married but being in a relationship with another sinner is not going to complete me. Sometimes, I selfishly feel like it will but I know, it won’t. Who I am, my identity and value come because I am loved by my Heavenly Father. A spouse would be a great blessing but he wouldn’t complete me.

I seriously have 10+ drafts saved over the last 5 months and I’m starting another one. My current dilemma, predicament and wondering is simply this. What happened to men? What happened that they no longer are men? Is it too much to desire a man, husband, spouse, best friend who is willing to be a man and own that role as he is called to biblically? Where are these men?

Over the past few-ish months, let say the last 6. I’ve been pursued by a handful of different guys, which truth be told, is abnormal for me. A mixed bag if you will. It has been very good for me though as it has challenged my thought process and things I’ve never really considered before.

Two examples (and honestly, I’m writing this down for future self, so feel free to skip to the end**):

A divorced dad - Although this isn’t something I hadn’t thought about specifically in the past, in my mind, I knew it was something I had written off as something that wouldn’t happen to me. And honestly, not even together. A divorcee. No. A guy with kids. No. A divorced dad. Definitely not. I know that makes me a horrible human being but if I’m being honest, that’s the truth. Now that I’m older and have matured, instead of writing it off as a definite no, it was something I thought about seriously. Could I be a step mom? (and so on)

This one has been going on since September. We’ve had lunch quite a bit, he came over once (it was the perfect mixture of weirdness, endearing-ness and seriousness all at once) and the jist is, he likes me and pursues me, kind of, but isn’t man enough to say it, define it and see if this could really move forward. I’ve not ever turned him down as to show I was uninterested and I understand he has more things to think about but buddy, seriously. 6 months is too long to play that game. That ship is sailed. I can be your friend but that’s all it will be.  A coworker even involved himself and sent him an email telling him to take real action as a man. It is not attractive to me that he won’t take action. I’ve considered just being open with him about this because I’m over the awkward limbo. We are adults for crying out loud. Be a man. He really is a great guy, don’t get me wrong. A little quirky but it’s cute quirky. Alas, not all great guys are guys you have to date and he’s not (at least for me).

A disabled man - Again, not something I have thought about but something I know in my mind, I had written off because that wouldn’t happen to me. I have this perfect picture or fairy tale painted, if you will, even now. The challenge here for me was this man isn’t his disability. He was actually very intelligent and well versed in Scripture but could I stand by him my entire life, love and support him in that way, even though he may never give me children (or even be able to have sex, that was never a conversation but I didn’t know), wouldn’t be able to physically stand up for me? etc etc. Obviously it’s a big deal. And honestly, if this was the man I loved, I would definitely be able to do that and want to ,not saying it wouldn’t be without its challenges.

I had to cut off communication with this guy. Cold turkey and not because of his disability. He contacted me through my website and asked if he could use my ArtPrize story in his sanctity to life sermon. Of courses, I said yes. Many had asked me and I was humbled by that. We emailed a couple times and he shared his story about his disability. He asked if we could be friends and I said yes. Sparing all the details. We gmail chatted (the first day, I didn’t think much of it…that’s what you do when you’re getting to know someone as FRIENDS), he asked for my number so he could text me (and literally it just continued from chat to text) then on day 2 he told me he liked me. From that moment, I knew I had to spread out communication. Gmail chats, emails, facebook messages and text. No exaggeration. I was open with him about it going too fast and it being too much. One night in that first and only week of talking, I let on real irritation. So he said he wouldn’t contact me until I contacted him. A day went by (which I was shocked by) and then he contacted me. I called him out on not following his word, he apologized and said he just wanted to be ‘friends’. I don’t really remember my response but knew my responses to him were much more spread out hours and days but each time he contacted me gmail chats, emails, facebook or text it was throwing the “friends” word out. Not even a week later, I finally wrote the email…he replied, texted, facebook message…and has sporadically since then.

——————-

**You see, especially at this age, one of the least attractive things to me is playing this relationship game as if we were in junior high or highschool. I want a man that is willing to be a man. To own up to his intentions and to be specific about moving forward (without being overly obsessive) and figuring it out. A man that would be willing to have an awkward conversation and possibly lose a friendship for the fact of finding a spouse. That’s immensely attractive. When a man takes on the role of the leader like God has set out in Scripture. Unfortunately, those men. They are far and few behind. I also feel bad for them. We women have stepped up and pushed them around, making it difficult for them to fight back and at some point they have just given up. That’s discouraging to me on both ends of that spectrum.

I’m not complaining that I’m not being pursued. I am. It’s just one end of the spectrum or the other. In all honesty, it makes me thankful that I am content, fulfilled and whole in the Lord. A husband, if God wills, will be an immense blessing. I thought I’d have more for this post but I really don’t. If I wanted to be married right now, I certainly would be but I’m not willing to marry just anyone. I want to love and respect my husband for being a Christ-follower, leader and servant. A man that suffers well. I’m not looking for a fairy tale, that isn’t what life is about. I want to be married, I do but I’m not giving my heart to just anyone.

That is all. 1 blog post down. Check.

Today marks 1 year of driving Shelly to and from work. I mean, working at RBC. (I thought about making that my status but decided not to.)  Best place I’ve worked, hands down.

This is a Shelly selfie.

She recently got an iPhone, so these are more frequent. The greatest things about these is watching my dad  get a kick out of theses. That deep it hurts to laugh kind of laugh. Not because he’s making fun of her but because she really is that innocent [like a child].)

She is 48 years old and has, I think, some sort of autism. I could literally do an entire post dedicated to her.

I’m not envious or lonely but saw this link Feb 13 and literally laughed out loud at my “results” …3 days ago.

I feel a little selfish for what I am going to do this weekend. A little. 

For the first time since I can remember, I have no commitments or responsibilities starting at noon today through Saturday. Not a single one. I even turned down a couple events for tonight and tomorrow. I feel somewhat guilty and thought, I could and should go to them and be social but it’s not happening.

I have a list of things I should and need to do but I’m putting it on hold. For a day and a half.

At noon, I’m treating myself to a massage (only $35 for an hour) then heading home. I thought about going to get a pedicure but that seems like more work, so I scratched that off the mental list. I put dinner in the crockpot before I left this morning and I’m staying home and relaxing. Which entails but isn’t limited to: cleaning my place (it’s a disaster)…doing dishes, laundry and so on (which is actually relaxing to me, when it’s a disaster it stresses me out) – that, you’re already dirty and not going anywhere, so you can get down and dirty while cleaning kind of clean (yeah, I love that), sleeping and catching up on some DVR’d TV. Tonight, I’m going to sleep and NOT setting an alarm. I’m dreaming of waking up in a nasty but glorious puddle of drool. I may very well be up at 7 AM  (which is sleeping in quite a bit) but have a relaxing morning and laid back day with no responsibilities, speaking engagements to prep for or leaving for basketball practice.

I’m also getting sick because I’ve been pushing myself so much the last 6 months (and more), it’s shutting down at the first sign of relaxing. I’m thankful it didn’t, at all, during this crazy busy time in my life. Thanks God!

For the last 2 months, I’ve been looking forward to this weekend for exactly this. The things you get excited for as an adult are pretty sad sometime. I’m sure it gets worse when you become a parent and going to the bathroom in peace because an occasion to brag about. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE people and investing in them but I’m an introvert at heart and crave that time alone.

To a relaxing weekend. Sunday I will jump back on the bandwagon and into social life again.

I love where I work. I mean seriously love it. Going to work everyday to a place where people are ridiculously encouraging and have Jesus as their foundation working specifically to further the kingdom? I seriously mean it when I say I could be scrubbing toilets and be completely thankful for working at RBC.

Last week I spoke in chapel about ArtPrize and my back story. (Oh yeah, we have chapel every Wednesday, too.) Anyway, awhile back my boss suggested to HR that I speak and it rolled around last Wednesday. I’ll tell you, I was more nervous for this talk than all the others I’ve been asked to speak.  I was a rambling idiot or at least, I felt that way. I have this joke that I have a filter for things I say. The things that get through are things that the filter doesn’t catch. After every time I speak, which has become more and more lately, people tell me I need to become a comedian. Let me clear things up. I’m not funny. I’m nervous and say stupid things.

Over and over people have told me my speaking was memorable, concise (which I wouldn’t say it was, at all), funny and incredibly touching (in more or less words…mostly more). I seriously walked away from it wondering if anything that was said mattered. I have the audio but refuse to listen to it. Multiple people have asked that I come share at their church or in different things. Yikes.

I’ve had people very specifically come and have lengthy conversations with me – thanking me and entrusting me their stories, even prior to chapel. I love the stories people have. I thrive off not talking but listening to others and the stories God has given them. This

(I wrote the above after a guy came into my office to speak before the below happened…*)

I got this calendar invite at work to “discuss testimony” – I work in a place where that’s acceptable and encouraged.  He asked that the conversation be between us and will definitely keep it there. Wow. Humbled. Humbled. Humbled again that someone else would entrust me.

I love being able to have conversations with coworkers about real things. It’s so rich.

To have a meeting to watch a documentary about gendercide for the work-purpose to talk about how it was done, why it was effective and so on to also and more deeply discussing how it touched us personally. Then ending in prayer.

To have friends at work and not just coworkers.

*Sigh. I honestly started this post with the intent to explain how all Christian organizations don’t do everything right and they don’t.  We’re human and that is to be expected but after writing the above, I’m reminded what a blessing my job is to have. So although, like any company, RBC isn’t perfect, it’s a job that truly goes beyond a paycheck.

At least for me anyway.

I don’t know why but I’ve grown to like this monthly post. It’s the only time I’m consistent about posting, which is probably why I like it and it doesn’t take a lot of work as I compile throughout the month.

On all the blogs that explain what people wish they would’ve done is always quit your job (that you’re miserable in). I didn’t understand that until I did it. I felt on top of the world! #9

So I read about this book on a friend’s blog.

I’m obviously not a mom but clicked on the link anyway and found other books. I didn’t want to come up with my own thoughts because some days, I just don’t have inspiration thoughts and what not, so I purchased the 5 year question and answer one. I played catch up on January and have loved doing it. I am actually going to purchase it for each of my seniors as part of their gifts for their open house. I wish I got it when I was a senior (instead of 7 Oswald Chambers “My Utmost for the Highest” books) – just simply answering questions about you, same question over 5 years to be able to look back on.

Do you ever hate when you’re right? You know that time you warn your friends about something and they do it anyway. You’re right and they’re hurt is never pleasant.

A chat with a co-worker

them:

did you have unch yet?

Me:

nope, i haven’t

Them:

me neither

(At this point, I felt I should ask a question and lead the conversation…which I ended up doing.)

Me:

bring anything good to eat?

I still step into that role but just doesn’t make sense when someone else starts the conversation but wants the other to lead it. It really isn’t a big deal and doesn’t really bother me at all. Just another fascination with how people are different.

I know I’ve written about this before. Christian jokes or sayings we get away with…here’s another. “Bless your heart” or their heart. That person, bless their heart, had me over to watch this movie, play this game, help them with…fill in the blank. Essentially what we’re doing is prefacing what stupid thing they did with their good intentions.

People are always posting these quizzes or tests on facebook. Sometimes I take them and post them here. Looking back at this months compiling, I took a couple this month and I’m adding the links here, in case you want to enjoy them, too.

Career you should have : I’ve been told this on multiple occasions. 

What Toy Story Character : That’s pretty spot on.

Oops, I lied. I can’t find this quiz. I don’t hum and you’re thankful, I don’t.

Facebook wasting: I’m really unsure how accurate this actually is but still interesting. My guess is it is taking into account being logged in or it being up in a tab…either way, not bad for all the facebook pages I manage for people.

Yes, it’s Super Bowl not SuperBowl, in case anyone is wondering.  What a disappointing game. To be honest, it was simply embarrassing. I probably wouldn’t have kept watching except for being with friends, so we kept enduring and enjoying each other’s company.

I promised a sick-friend, I would keep my eye out for any note-worthy commercials. So I sent her this email and thought, I’d post it here as well. For the most part, commercials were also disappointing. Oh well, here’s to next year and the Lions making the cut, too.

Cheerios - Super cute. I mean presh and adorbs. (Precious and Adorable…oh those HS kids do mess with my lingo.)

Audi - Perfect blend of mockery to the puppy bowl and Sarah Mclachlan.

Kia - If you remember the Matrix, this was quality funny.

Honda - Bruce Willis and it’s actually very strange but I laughed out loud at the hashtag.

Oikas - Again, kind of awkward but you gotta love Full House

Doritos - I wasn’t a huge fan of this one, if that was my kid, he’d get punished for disrespect not Doritos.

Esurance - I’m a personal fan of this because 1.  it’s Jim from The Office (or John Krasinski) 2. It saved them that much. 3. People are still watching (so way to save money and advertise), it’s a give away and gets people talking about it on Social Media …pure genius

It was a year of flashbacks between Matrix, Full House and Seinfeld. Oh and there was a Muppets one in there, too…but I’ve never been a big Muppets fan. My brother on the other hand, loves them. So there you go. Noteworthy-ish commercials. Oh and the Budweiser puppy/horse commercial. Commercials like this don’t really touch my soul like ones (oh yes, this one showed during, too…wow, more are coming back to me) like the Welcome Home one did. Animals are sweet and the training process that went into the animals and such for this commercial is a sweet story but a soldier coming home is much more meaningful to me.