I was just telling a friend last night  I cry maybe every 6 months. I think that cry might be tonight. Gah.

Frustrating things, in no particular order.

• Basketball – no respect from the AD or Varsity Guy’s Coach, scheduling issues

• Life – having to reschedule and cancel other things because of the above. It’s cool, it’s not like I already had plans.

• Work – false expectations, job postings

• 3 different guys pursuing me. One I said no to with no second thought. One I’ve been forced to cut things off because he has and continues to move too quickly, despite my many warnings and concerns against it. I really hate hurting people. The 3rd guy…been on pursuit for awhile and although I know his intentions at least 97.46%, he hasn’t made them known.

• My eldest brother crap.

• A good friend’s sister died.

• Another lost friendship. It’s becoming a skill of mine.

This weirdly helped. Writing it out, always seems to do that. I know the above doesn’t seem like much. I seriously need a massage to get these knots out.

sigh.

The past couple weeks I have felt weighted down: spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally. I didn’t realize how much it was all affecting me until a coworker came to chat with me about work related items. Half way through the conversation, he asked, are you ok? I wasn’t expecting it and surprised by the question. I gave the generic, it has been a long week to which he responded, your just don’t seem Bethany-like, which sparked a genuine and needed conversation.

If you know anything about my life, it’s kind of crazy. Crazy busy but I think most people can relate to this in their lives as well. I, however, like to be busy. I really, really struggle with relaxing and down time.  Even when I have it, I literally have to force myself to just sit and relax instead of doing laundry, washing dishes, dusting…you name it. I seriously struggle if these things aren’t done. You’re probably thinking I’m psychotic and some days, I think I am, too.

I often think being busy is a drug we I am addicted to. Being busy gives us me a sense that we’re I’m needed and significant. I have to do this or that and so on. My self-worth, all too often, comes by looking at my filled up calendar by looking at quantity instead of quality of activity. When the hard core reality is the world doesn’t need me to keep going. Algoma doesn’t need me to coach. BSF doesn’t need me to attend. West Cannon doesn’t need me do all the website/video work. My nephews don’t need me to be their aunt. Whenever the Lord calls me into eternity, there will be some strings to tie up and boxes to pack but the world will continue to revolve without me in it. Sometimes that’s a hard pill to swallow.

I remember this hitting me pretty clearly as I left Spring Arbor for the last time. My car was packed to the brim, seriously. I stood looking at campus, one foot inside my Chevy Lumina and the other on the payment as I was slightly rested on my car door, looking at a place I called home for 4 years thinking, how will it go on without me? It will easily go on – Spring Arbor doesn’t need me for it to be Spring Arbor. The real question, however, was how will I go on without it?

In my busyness – I feel needed. Overwhelmed but needed and I like to feel needed. Don’t we all? In my, most of the time, selfless busyness, it does becomes selfish. It becomes about the quantity instead of quality, not to say you can’t have quanitity and quality. It becomes more about me instead of Him, which is why I’m so humbled each time He graciously uses my mouth to bring Him glory. No amount of hard work or busyness is ever enough when you work for salvation. That works never brings joy of accomplishment. Whatever busy things becomes a heavy burden to anyone trying to earn God’s approval with our “gifts”. God doesn’t need me but He chooses me. That’s even better.

Sunday morning I skipped church. It was incredibly needed and truth be told, selfish. I was feeling discouraged, worn down and the last place I wanted to be was feeling misplaced at church (also selfish). I never doubt the Lord’s providence and plan for my life, but I did feel lost in the motions and swept up in the busy. Instead, I spent time with the Lord not doing devotions but in devotion to Him – then spent time writing (yes, hand writing) letters to others. It’s truly amazing how the Lord can refresh your being when you stop thinking about yourself and spend quality time investing in others.

It’s a good lesson to learn – sometimes over and over again.

For the 2 people that read this, maybe more. This is me just writing, no pre-thought, no organization, no anything – just writing. So don’t read it if you wish to fix my grammar, analyze my sentence structure. (Even though, I still attempt to keep that somewhat intact.)

It’s only Tuesday and I’m really just…sad? …hurt for others? frustrated with myself?

Is that OK?

Yesterday I receive a phone call with a crying friend on the other end. Her 33 year old handicapped sister died. There’s something about being one of those friends a friend calls in a time like that. What can you do in that situation? Honestly. The only thing I know to do is, pray. My heart is burdened for her. I want to do more. I wish I could make it better for her. I know I can’t.

We had a rough basketball game last night. A really rough basketball game. My kids getting physically beat up on the court, cussed out, made fun of and just beaten physically. Tonight was another rough game. Not the same above but just beating themselves down. I had kids crying at half time. Going into the 4th quarter, though, I look down my bench and every.single.player is heads down and the ones on the court are simply trying to make it through. After the game we go into the locker room and they are  defeated. The second you begin to inquire with these kids, they get quiet and this is what happened after the game. A couple minutes of silence and 4 of them are crying. 1 is divulging information about her life and others are upset. I assure them in my words that I love them and care for them. A couple more minutes of silence and I bring it before the Lord with them. During the prayer, I hear more of them break down.

Sigh. If I could sigh heavier, I probably would. Is it wrong to be burdened for them or with them? I just love and care for these kids so much. Some of the frustration was basketball related – frustrated with themselves and how they “can’t play basketball”, aren’t playing as a team/meshing together and losing game after game is difficult. As their coach, I feel a heavy burden as I know that’s partially, if not almost completely my responsibility to help them play with each other and work as a team. I feel like I’m failing them and I simply don’t know what to do. I so badly want to lift their burdens and carry them myself. To show them I love them somehow. To magically make it better. I know that doesn’t help them learn but it’s hard to see them hurting. As their coach, I know it isn’t completely my fault but it’s still partially my responsibility to mesh them, make it fun etc but even more so, I want to do that for them. In 10, 5 ,3   (you get the point) years they aren’t going to look back and remember the scoreboard. Frankly. I care a thousand times more for them as people then how many points they put up, how many victories they get etc. I tell them this now and tell them as a senior in HS if a coach told me that, I would’ve laughed at them. I’m 8 years out, believe me. No one cares. No one cares or remembers what your record was…no one cares if you hold records at Algoma. Believe me, I loved growing up at Algoma but not a single soul outside of the Grand Rapids area (and that’s pushing it) knows about Algoma Christian School in Kent City, MI. It can help shape you and mold you – teach you lessons (and believe me, it did and I’m thankful and blessed I attended) but ripping yourself apart because you lose basketball games is really sad for me to see. I literally had kids tell me they should never play because the team would do better without them. I don’t care if you suck or you’re the star of the team – you are on the team and you are a valued member of it. End of story. I can’t make them see that.

I really am struggling with this and am praying for wisdom.

Prayer is something I can do. Something that gives up the control in both and every situation. Praying. Praying. Praying. Getting the control out of my hands and into His is literally the best thing for any situation.

That’s my unedited, unsolved post.

goodnight world. tomorrow is a new day.

A friend of mine started a blog and unlike myself, she  puts it out there for the world to see.  She asked if I would write a blog for her to post (I think I promised more as well – better get on that). At first, I was hesistant because I’m kind of a coward to actually put my words and thoughts out there. I like writing here because it’s private for the most part. In other words, I’m not blasting it on social media. I prefer that but also see the value of writing blogs for others to write. I see a lot of value in that, seeing how I should join a “Blog stalking anonymous” club.  Anyway, I digress. One of the suggestions to write on was singleness. Some days I think I could write a book on it. She posted this early in December and I’m getting around the hard task of copying and pasting it here.

Below is what I wrote…this was the shortest version that went up. It was probably double that length at one point. I’m long winded, what can I say? (It really is a combination of other blogs/thoughts I’ve already had here but tried to tie it in a neat(er) little package.)

My name is Bethany, I’m 26, single and living on my own.

Sounds like I need a support group, huh?

Growing up, I was never that girl dreaming about and planning my wedding while picturing my Happily Ever After. I honestly don’t know how I pictured my life as a child when I reached this age but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t where I am now. I probably assumed I’d be married with kids. Well, I’m not…not even close.

Think about this for a second. What if my ultimate goal has nothing to do with marriage or kids? What if my aim was to love people well, and to fully embrace the gifts God has given me to serve Him?  What if my life goal was to run the race and to be called a good and faithful servant at the end of it all? Would that be enough? Would that be acceptable? Maybe that would mean marriage and children along the way, but maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe the best the Lord has for me is not marriage, having brown babies (my mom’s dream) and being a stay at home mother.  I really do want all that but maybe He has something else in store for me. If His plan for me is not getting married or not for 5-10+ years, should I go about my daily life as if I missed out on something? Have I failed and not reached the “best” if I never marry? I don’t think so but it sure feels like that sometimes.

I was listening to Focus on the Family a couple months ago and the 40 year old single woman speaking began to cry as she said, “I’m no ones most important person.” I understand that feeling, so well. Most single men and women have those times when they’d really like to be married. I know I do and I think it’s OK and healthy to admit.

BUT the difference, for me, is it isn’t a spouse that completes me, nor should it be. I don’t need a spouse to “feel” complete. I already am because I am a sinner saved by grace. If He blesses me with a spouse, I will be that much more thankful and blessed. But to expect a spouse to make me feel whole, to fill some void in my life is not where I should be seeking completion. Expecting anyone – friend, family, spouse to do so WILL leave you disappointed because they, like yourself, is a SINNER. It’s in their nature to screw up. It isn’t in HIS. This is not to say they can’t take part in your life, obviously. I believe God made us to need others, for horizontal relationships. The danger creeps in when you expect them to take the role of God in your life, filling a void that only He can – you will ALWAYS be disappointed. It’s a role they will never measure up to and it’s unfair to put such an expectation on anyone.

So let me be clear, I don’t have a void and a resounding yes, I want to be married but my satisfaction is placed in Him and not him. To be honest, I’d have it no other way. If I’ve learned one thing in my life it’s God’s timing is perfect. His plan is perfect and I’m thankful for His provision. So I can truthfully say I’m thankful I’m not married because of where He has me. I know if I was , I wouldn’t know some of the people I do and wouldn’t be doing some of the things I currently am. (The same would be true if I was married.)

26. Single. Complete. Thankful. Blessed. Believe it or not, it’s possible.

On the brim of another year and I’ve never been one to make New Year’s resolutions. They aren’t my thing and I actually don’t think I’ve ever made New Year’s resolutions. Call me a New Year grinch.

I was going to be completely content sitting at home by myself tonight just relaxing then was invited to 3 parties. I guess I’ll be social and hit up 2 out of the 3 to ring in the New Year.

I was reading this blog: 25 New Year’s Resolutions Every Person Should Actually Make For 2014

25 things? Some I think are stupid. Some just don’t pertain to me. Some I think are great ideas. For me, 25 new resolutions seems, dare I say, unrealistic.

Facebook for the last couple years has done a “Year in Review” and this year, the top thing in my review is my friend’s wedding. Obviously Facebook is not one to tell me the biggest events in my life but I laughed that it wasn’t even about me.

This year, for the first time in awhile (if ever), I’ve decided to make a couple resolutions. Why am I blogging about it? Easy. If I keep it to myself (as in not in writing), it won’t keep me accountable. I know there are some that read this, not many, and that and knowing it is written here is enough to keep me accountable.

These aren’t groundbreaking resolutions by any means. Actually very stereotypical, truth be told. (In no particular order.)

1. My relationship with my Savior. You see. My joy doesn’t come from anything or anyone. Truth be told, I’ve lost sight of this recently. You can have all this world, Just give me Jesus. He IS my priority.

2. I need to lose weight. Get in better shape. This doesn’t define me by any means but I’m fat and I need to do something about it. That’s really it. I don’t have a scale but I have a mirror. I was almost brave enough to post a picture of the scale (that I stepped on at work). I did take one and even one of those gross before pictures. Maybe when there is an after, those will be posted but no promises. This isn’t something I want to do for someone else (as in maybe if I was skinnier, I wouldn’t be single – not at all) but simply for me because it’s simply time.

3. This is gonna sound stupid maybe even selfish and I’m not sure how else to word it but I need to figure out who I am. Have you ever seen Runaway Bride? Richard Gere’s character is upset with Julia Roberts character for not knowing what kind of eggs she likes. She doesn’t even know because of how she adapts/changes her preferences to the different men/people in her life. This is not about eggs for me. I like easy over eggs – the runnier the yolk the better. I digress. It’s about figuring out who I am, not in some spiritual “find myself” journey kind of way. Maybe this should be defined, simply be me – not who others perceive me to be or like what they like, just because they like it. This is not really a measurable goal, which are goals I don’t really like but in the end, I’ll know. (Are you like, sick of the word like yet?)

4. Live in the now. I know I live in the past. Analyzing, what if-ing, revisiting. I want to live in what the Lord has given me today. What’s that quote? “Yesterday is History, Tomorrow a Mystery, Today is a Gift, Thats why it’s called the Present.” This doesn’t mean forgetting the past or erasing it somehow. I truly believe the past is there for us to learn from but we I also need to allow myself to move forward. This is hard for me. I’m an over-analyzer by trade.

5. To be fully present – which really goes hand in hand with “Live in the now”. What do I mean by this? Less time on my phone, computer or anything else that may distract me from building relationships. When I’m spending time with someone, whether for hours or a brief conversation, my attention is on them – not checking my email, texts etc. I know this will be challenging (especially for techy, fast paced me) but it’s necessary for me (and dare I say others, too) to be aware of this. I need to put genuine time back into fostering relationships. You know exactly what I mean.

Putting words to the truths floating around in my head forces me to recognize them and gives me more strength to make better decisions in the future.

From zero to five resolutions. There you go. 2014, bring it on.

Welp, I missed this by a day. Life is just ridiculously busy. I seriously can’t believe it.
(For those just joining – I randomly started doing “random” posts a year-ish ago on the 11th of every month. So sit tight and enjoy. Yes, I’m posting this at work…don’t stone me.)

As an adult, I really wish snow/winter wouldn’t have an barrier on roads/driving. Obviously as a child, I enjoyed ALL the snow days we got but as an adult, it’s just a nuisance.

Branding Image. I really hate these kind of things. You really can use any words and make them say what you want. Point and case.

I don’t really fart or burp a whole lot. I actually can’t really burp well. There are somedays where I go on this gassy kick and my farts are so rancid I don’t like to be around me. Seriously. That was today. 11/17. Also growing up the word “fart” was almost like a swear word in our house. To this day I even hesitate before saying it…we said “buster”.

In past years I read the BSF notes because I had to but for some reason this year I’ve really been enjoying them. Most nights, I come home and read them on Monday night because I’m eager to read them.

I swear the second I hit the pillow at night, my brain wakes up. I have a couple great idea for blogs and can write them out so well in my mind. The second I sit up, I can’t remember how I was forming it in my mind.

While I’m sleeping, I know I have to go to the bathroom when my dreams get really absurd.

Someday when I get engaged, I really want it photographed but I don’t want to know until after the fact that it was photographed. As in, I don’t want the photographer to come out of the woods or whatever to have a little chit chat afterwards.

Sometimes dealing with parents is the most difficult part about coaching and makes me wonder, is it really worth it?

I am so excited for winter Olympics (2 months away)! Confession. I LOVE curling. I know, that’s so sad but I do. I also love bobsledding/skeleton/luge. If I could ever do that (bobsledding), just go down the track once – that would be one killer experience to me! The Biathlon is also pretty intriguing to me. I just love the Olympics!

There’s this guy at work (yeah, that was misleading…he’s 50+) who randomly knows different information about me photography because of ArtPrize, cooking because of a chili I made for a cook-off, techy because of work things (I help him a lot). He came into our office one day and said something like you probably skydive, too. Ha. Yep…twice. He laughed and said your life is comical. I took that as a compliment because that’s how he meant it. He came back the other day, pulled me in the hallway to ask me if I…sing. His reasoning was because I’m good at everything else. haha. I told him he has found my kryptonite and I’ll tell you, he was very sad. He needed me to sing in chapel with some others.

For some reason the story of Noah came up in our discussion tonight at BSF. It tied in somehow to how we sugar coat Bible stories and don’t want to offend people.

I immediately thought of this post.

We got a little off track as we started talking about a film that is coming out about Noah, subsequently, named “Noah”. If you haven’t seen the trailer for it, here it is.

I get it, I know Hollywood needs to over dramatize things but that aside, I actually think it may do a good job displaying the real destruction of the earth instead of the below.

(I just Google Image Searched “Noah’s Ark”)

I’m sorry but you idiots making these graphics. Have you ever read the story of Noah’s Ark?

All that aside, the thing that gets me the most are the comments under the trailer.

“Its sad that people actually believe this made up story.”

“So millions of species chilled in a ship smaller than the titantic, that didn’t eat each other, and were released from the same spot. If that were true wouldn’t one continent house all the ecosystems of animals and wouldn’t plant-life be absolutely destroyed? Yeah, I don’t believe that either.”

“t’s hilarious people whining.. “This isn’t how the real story goes”..What real story? Lol you mean a fairy tale? ”

…and they go on. We live in a lost world, friends. I need to live a life of more urgency for the unsaved. For those who are weeds appearing to be good seed.

Well, the grandparents are officially off to Florida. So, this may be the last edition of Grandma-isms for awhile. Two of the saddest parts of this for me are 1) not seeing them in church on Sunday morning. I seriously treasure being able to see them every Sunday and how faithful they are to His Word. Not to mention, Grandma always comes in later (after singing has begun) and yet, she always makes the rounds to all of us (the Wynalda section), saying hi and giving hugs and 2) not having them around for the Wynalda Christmas. They used to leave for Florida after Christmas but haven’t done that in the past couple years.

A couple weeks ago, I needed my Grandparents to help me transport a second copy of “IMAGE” to Right to Life. My car doesn’t fit it, which is why I needed them to tag along. The lady I had been communicating back and forth with was later 30′s and reminded my Grandma of a friend of mine. Somehow that constituted for my Grandma to ask if she was married because she was wearing a ring on her ring finger, which of course, Grandma notices. The lady was not to which Grandma began in on why she shouldn’t wear a ring on her ring finger and telling her all about my singleness, too. I couldn’t believe that was happening – it happened so quickly. The lady was very gracious with Grandma and her could’ve easily been taken offensively comments. I followed up with the lady with an email the next day thanking her for not being offended.

Speaking of marriage, I will be incredibly sad if my Grandma and Grandpa aren’t at my wedding (due to death).

As of September 13, 2013, I made the move out of my parent’s home. I’m the first single woman cousin who has moved out and not for the purpose of school. I’m still in the area with all the family but living and navigating life in my own place. This is a new concept to…everyone. Mostly my parents and grandparents. They worry about me and I can’t say I blame them for that. It has its perks and disadvantages. Some perks being, they think you’re starving all the time which means invites to dinner!

(I don’t know why this picture looks like a mirrored image.)

It also means random items being given. Grandma knows how busy I am with basketball, BSF etc and knows putting up a Christmas tree in my apartment is not top on the priority list. So she purchased me a midget tree with lights already attached. Easy set up and had an ornament hanging on in her garage for years which she gave as well. So I have 3 ornaments. 1) From the Grandma’s garage 2) a bball one from one of my kids and 3) one from a kid at church for being the SS teacher. Along with the tree and knowing they were going to take off to Florida soon, I was also handed the below.

No, I’m not starving but I’m also not complaining. I’ll definitely miss the Grandparents while they are gone. They just celebrated 56 years of marriage which is such an incredible example of how it should be. We are all somewhat ready and understand they may not have many more years together but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Until April, probably but you never know what she may say during a phone call!

Well hello blog. I’m sorry I continue to neglect you. We both know that happens when life gets crazy but then I look back and get frustrated that I didn’t document any of the craziness. This will be no different.

My mind is whirling. So much is going on, I can’t keep them straight nor how to process. Right now, in this moment, I’m thinking of the holidays. I must confess, I have been listening to Christmas music for over a month now. I’m ridiculously excited for Christmas, for some reason. I’m also equally excited for a vacation the week before Christmas. It’s needed as I’m feeling very burned out in many different ways. A week away (even though, I’ll be working…hello destination photography wedding job) will be good. I won’t touch church work. I won’t touch work-work. I won’t be Coach. It sounds very relaxing…but do not get me wrong, I love those things but breaks are all but necessary.

I digress. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Why? You get the family and friends without the obligation of presents but don’t get me wrong, I LOVE giving presents! There’s something about Thanksgiving with no expectations of things that makes it special. It’s simply about each other. Even then, at the same time, holidays can be very difficult. Very lonely at times. As the years go by with family get togethers, it becomes more obvious that I’m one of the few…actually to be blunt and truthful, I am the only one in the family who hasn’t found their someone else. (Meaning of the cousins that are old enough to be dating/married.) As great as it is to spend time with them, there is still this difficulty. Please, do not think I believe being married would fix all my problems. I’m not that stupid. It’s simply around the holidays it’s more evident to me that everyone else has found their somebody else.

Am I the only one a little irritated that Black Friday is becoming Black Thursday and overshadowing what the day is actually about. As if Friday isn’t bad enough? We don’t even wait until the day of Thanksgiving is over to stop being thankful. Only in America. It’s just sad. I love a good sale, don’t get me wrong, I’m as Dutch as the next guy but instead of people being with family and friends on Thanksgiving they are waiting in line. For what? A materialistic item. My friends, we should not be ok with this fact. I might miss the big deal on (fill in the blank) but I’ve spent valuable time with my family. The decision to me, in light of the paragraph above, is clear cut. I choose people. I choose family.

For some reason, I feel exponentially better from writing the above. It’s nothing ground breaking, I know. My spirit is frustrated and burdened in so many ways right now. I need to be reminded to, as elementary as it sounds, Give Thanks with a Grateful Heart.

You’ve seen it on facebook by many. 30 days of thankfulness. Here’s mine…a one stop shop. No particular order after number 1.

1. Salvation and relationship with Jesus Christ.
2. My Grandparents. (Grandma & Grandpa Wynalda and Grandma Sanderson)
3. Family (Immediate and extended)
4. Where I work and that God provided from this.
5. Buch.
6. My basketball team as frustrating and difficult as they can be.
7. West Cannon family.
8. Laughter.
9. Hardships.
10. Nephews. They bring me such joy.
11. Food in the fridge.
12. Clothing to keep me warm.
13. My apartment.
14. Ways to keep in contact with friends who are no longer in GR.
15. Life.
16. Photography.
17. Handwritten Letters.
18. Algoma Christian.
19. Sunshine.
20. Moments to relax.
21. Chapstick.
22. Friends. Real friendships.
23. Vacations.
24. Scripture.
25. A car.
26. Giving gifts.
27. Hunting.
28. BSF. (Bible Study Fellowship)
29. Being adopted.
30. Christmas Music.

My heart is heavy and yet, it’s joyous because in the midst of it all, He is good. Does that sound cliche? Probably but that’s where my heart rests and relinquishes worries, stresses and what have you. In Him.