This past summer, I went back and forth about whether or not I was going to switch back to the college age/young adults class at our church. It really was a big internal struggle for me. I really believe in inter-generational classes, learning, and gleaning from each other. That was probably the greatest reason for why I didn’t move back. I will say, it was much, much…much easier to sit in the class I attend now when I had other single friends sitting with me. Now it’s just me. My brother and sister-in-law joined the class and then my parents about a year or so later. Now, I feel kind of like a child again. People make comments like why aren’t you sitting with your parents? Please do not get me wrong, I love them but I don’t want to be known as the one who comes in and sits/hides by their parents. It’s a safety net of security. Sometimes I do sit by them but I’m trying to be more.

You see, I’ve grown up at this church since a young age. I only vaguely remember the church we attended before when I was say 5 or 6. Then, of course, being in college and California I attended other churches but West Cannon has always been my home church. I had thought about not coming back after coming back from California but decided that I had no real basis for that decision. West Cannon is a place where I am known and loved. They are family. That means a lot to me. Still does and always will. I want to be clear on that.

But now that I’m, dare I say it, an older single adult. There are some days I struggle and I mean struggle to be there. When I’m singing a song or sitting in class and I want to burst into tears. Pathetic, I know. Why? I wish I could pin point it but I can’t. I wish I could clearly explain why and I can’t. It’s just this overbearing feeling, like I did something wrong by not getting married. I’m an odd one out in this family oriented church. I don’t feel right speaking up in Sunday School or going to some class events because it’s for couples. Yet, I know there are a few who are very specific about greeting me and letting me know they are glad I am there. Honestly, I appreciate that more than they know. Yet, it’s still very difficult which is why I contemplated switching classes…I could easily go to the “singles” class or go to the college class where I’d fit in and feel confident. It’d be easy to come to church on Sunday but I don’t believe I’d be as challenged (in the physical form…Biblically, I know I’d be challenged still.) but it would only continue the cycle of sectioning classes by age.

West Cannon doesn’t have older singles in the church (well not many) nor are they attracting those kind of people. We are obviously a family oriented church (which isn’t a bad thing) and are surrounded by churches who pour all their energy into “marketing” to people like me. So why not go there? Or somewhere else? Honestly, I’ve considered it and have been visiting other churches. Maybe somewhere else will fit my needs better and possibly, that’s true. I don’t look down on people that switch churches. It’s a decision that, if made, will be a difficult one. I do, however, know I can’t do it for a little bit. I have a few commitments that are made I would need to finish (probably a least a year) and hand over before making a transition. It wouldn’t be right to leave without doing that at least. It’s part of being responsible. A lot can change in a year as well and I also see the strides for change West Cannon is moving towards. I’m hopeful in them.

So, instead of feeling sorry for myself, which I know partially I am, I’m trying to put myself out there and pushing myself to be… a Kae. Kae is a good friend of mine who has this great demeanor about herself and is comfortable in almost any situation. She spews joys and happiness. Spews. It’s contagious. Very extroverted. Sometimes I find myself sitting back just watching her work the room at church or wherever. It doesn’t matter if she knows them or not, you’d think she did by the way she interacted with them. She’s just natural with people. This is not me. In fact, I’m sitting here wondering how Kae and I are friends. (Only kind of. I know why.) I’m very matter of fact, not horribly outgoing and the idea of being in groups of people I don’t know kind of stresses me out. I go to a group hangout if I know I’ll know someone. If I don’t, no thanks. I struggle with BSF/Indian Fellowship because I know I’ve got to put myself out there and engage with people I don’t really know. I do it and even enjoy interacting with people once the conversation is started but the initial putting myself into that situation stresses me out. It isn’t natural for me.

I am, however, good at being specific about things. This is something I’m trying to be specific about. Purposefully putting myself in situations and things I wouldn’t normally do (in many areas of my life). Church: Participating in the blessing buddies, going to showers (I really hate church showers), going to “classes” offered to the women (canning class) etc. In other areas of life, been going to an Indian fellowship, a trip to Chicago with them, BSF hangouts…normally I’d opt out and be perfectly fine sitting at home but I recognize the need in myself to put myself out there. It. takes. a lot. of. energy.

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.” Gandhi

Instead of changing other things about my situations, I’m choosing to start as close to home as possible. I can’t change others as much as I sometimes would like to but I can change myself. That’s where I’ll start. Maybe this will make things better and maybe it won’t. Either way, it will be a good challenge where I know the Lord will stretch and mold me.

Oh, Grandma.

Bless her heart. Seriously. She has a huge heart. I have been blessed with some grand grandparents. My Grandma and Grandpa Wynalda and my Grandma Sanderson. Not so much Grandpa Sanderson…I don’t even like calling him Grandpa but if nothing else, he makes me appreciate my Grandpa Wynalda all the more. I digress.

Most people know I had something in ArtPrize this past year. My biggest encourager by far was my Grandma. She not only financially backed the project (her and my uncle – they both realized with the confines of my affordability it would’ve been a different piece – again, huge blessing) but she also sat down there with me almost every single time I was there. She seriously insisted. It was great to spend so much time with her and grandpa sometimes as well as tag off with some people when I was simply tired or my throat was sore. All that to say and lead into some ArtPrize Grandma-ism.

1. She really wanted to purchase me an ArtPrize t-shirt and mug. She was more than excited – I mean really excited that I said she could. She knows I don’t often allow people to do things for me. I couldn’t help but snap this photo. It brings me joy inside that she did this.

2. Some time frames down at ArtPrize were busier than others. She talked about how she thought about bringing Sudoku to play but knew she shouldn’t (she REALLY likes Sudoku). I downloaded her an app of Sudoku. It really rocked her world and it was cute.

3. If you know me, follow this blog every so often you’ll know my Grandma is very determined to see me married. Again, bless her heart. I truly mean this, I’m so grateful for the way she prays daily for a spouse for me. I don’t commit it to prayer like she does. One day some people from church came up – my cousin’s boyfriend and his friend/my friend (who goes to West Cannon). We chatted, nothing special and after they left and I’m shocked Grandma held her cool to say something until then. She non-chalantly says “I was trying to see if there was anything between you two.” I paused for a second…”Oh between Brian and I?” (Not a thought that had ever crossed my mind until that moment.) “I don’t think that would ever happen.” Then she went on about how good of a guy he is…which is very true. Anyway, the next day he posted a picture of the piece from one angle and the other angle showing both sides with this posted under it, ” A child inside the womb is no different than a child outside the womb. I’m not sure how you can argue with that.” Which is the entire idea of the piece…just said differently. Anyway, grandma saw it and ate it up. I mean ate it up. SO much so that every time a person came to see it or she was talking about it she mentioned it and misquoted it everytime – it was awesome.  I’m almost sure she liked it better than the actual piece. She had me get the picture from him that he posted and put his saying under it. I told her, I could take the exact pictures and probably better without a glare and she said no…she wanted his. haha. Ok. So I did it and printed it twice for her…why wouldn’t she frame them…

And Brian is still on the radar for her for me…at least he’s single. That’s a step up from others she has tried to set me up with in the past.

(I have another Grandma-ism in the works…just wanted to split them up a little.)

This was interesting to me.

Our boss came in to work and told us about these next two things.
1) P.I.C.N.I.C. = Problem in chair not in computer
2) Change student passwords to “ID10T”

Who knew Ron Swanson could “lend some advice” that was relevant to my life? I have been pretty frustrated with the girls I coach – just feeling that in the past 2 years, I’ve not made any progress and it has been frustrating. Ron gave some advice to Leslie as she was down about Pawnie not “thanking” her. I’ve been wanting to fight their immaturity with immaturity.

Leslie: “Pawnie has really been pissing me off lately.”
Ron: “You are the adult here. When your kid screams, I hate you, you don’t sync to his level and yell I hate you back. You have to be the grown up.”
Leslie: “You’re right, I know, I have to be the grown up. (insert some whining) But it’s so hard and no one ever thanks you.
Ron: You choose a thankless job. You can’t be upset when no one thanks you.

That’s pretty much it and that stuck. The point drove home for me.

This meant a lot to little ole me. We do a great job at being sarcastic but we seem to have “moments” here and there, when appropriate.

You know those people that wash their hands then use paper towel to exit the bathroom? I’m not one of those people but I just had a thought. Shouldn’t, in all reality, the bathroom exit door be one of the cleanest? It’s after you go to the bathroom and wash your hands that you exit the bathroom. I get it, though, not everyone washes their hands. To you people, seriously. This new trend to put a trash can next to the door that you can drop your paper towel in is kind of silly to me. Even more ridiculous to me when you miss.

Another Indian group email misusing. No, I don’t want to be added to different email lists! Thank.You.Very.Much.

“Convenience”, “recipe” and “receipt” are all words I need to stop and think about before writing/typing them out and spelling them correctly. It irritates me every time that they aren’t natural words for me to spell.

This is gonna be really shallow but seriously, I really love DVR and not watching shows on the internet anymore. You can set series to record, fast forward through commercials, rewind. I actually feel better about watching tv because I’m not spending as much time watching. You can pause live tv…so instead of trying to quick run and do it during commercial or quickly while the show is on to grab something to eat…pssh, forget that. Pause. Sometimes I forget and still find myself hustling or watching commercials then the light bulb goes on. I told you, shallow but it’s a whole new world to me and to be “in control” of the television. #mindblown

Sometimes I still feel like a child. I got an email from a coworker…more friend (she is the one that heads up the Indian group) with the subject title “We need to talk….” and the body of the email was “Let me know when….” Why does that still make me feel nervous like I’m in trouble? Seriously people…if it isn’t anything “bad” just say we need to talk about and say WHAT.

Came across this and it’s sad but true. Just be real with people, people.

Joey’s birthday was yesterday. He is always stealing my glasses and saying, “I’m a Boppy and you’re a Doey!” (And always smudging them up but I love it.)

For his birthday I got him non-prescription glasses that match mine. He kind of sort of loved them. At first he just thought they were mine, they I showed them I had mine. He put his face up against mine to show me how they match. Cutest kid, ever. I know I’m bias but seriously, his voice – his lisp, so adorable.