Another draft saved, which may seem contradicting to the last post. It isn’t.

Being single is hard. Ground breaking, I know. (I’m sure being married isn’t a walk in the park, either.) You’re all probably getting sick of my relationship/single posts. Sorry, kind of. This is where I am at in life. I can honestly tell you I wouldn’t have chosen or thought I would be 26 and single. However, it has given me a perspective I know I wouldn’t have had if I was married young (and no, I am not looking down on those that were). I’m thankful for this perspective I’ve gained.

I do things alone. A lot of things. Many of which are just normal part of life now. Eat alone. Watch movies alone. Go to plays alone. For the most part, I navigate life alone. I do have friends who love and care for me. Most of them are married or live elsewhere. It’s just how life has unfolded. I used to have specific friends who I’d go to if things were rough or even good to share life with but now it’s pretty sporadic, if I do at all.

However, it’s hardest to do things alone when you just want to share it with someone. Watching a movie is whatever. Eating alone, who cares. But this year (of life – 26) specifically has been a pretty big one. ArtPrize, numerous speaking engagements and alumnus of the year. Please let me make this clear, I know these are not my accomplishments. I will not boast in myself but in Him and am humbled He would use me, since He certainly doesn’t need me. I know when and if I get married, it will be in His perfect timing. Cliché, I know. That doesn’t mean, I don’t wish he was there supporting or encouraging in the way a husband would in such situations. It really isn’t lonliness as much as it is wanting to share the joy I have with someone else. Someone else who by default…marriage is there for you. No, I’m not naive enough to think that is always how it works, which is why I said marriage isn’t a walk in the park either. It doesn’t automatically “fix” everything. I know when and if I get married, I’ll tell him about these things in life but it’s not the same as experiencing it together.

It’s hard not to play the compare game. That cousins and friends older and younger are dating, getting married, having kids. Yes, kidS. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t difficult but that problem isn’t their problem. It’s mine. And I am happy for them. Very much so. What I and we need to realize is someone will always be better and worse off than you. Comparing yourself, either way, is wrong. It’s a trap we fall into far too often. I definitely do, specifically, referring to relationships. The grass isn’t greener on the other side but we’ve fooled ourselves into thinking so.

I know none of my team looks at me and wishes to be like me. I went to see their HS play…alone, which is no big deal to me but they can’t imagine such a thing.They see a 26 year old single with no relationship. That’s the forefront of their mind as the most important thing. No matter how much I advise them in their relationships or desire for one. They settle because that is what completes them, not the love from the Father.  They and others feel lonely for me. I don’t need that because I’m not lonely.

So there you have it. A heartfelt confession from me. Being single and navigating life alone has its difficulties. It also has positives. Lots of them. Does one outweigh the other? I don’t know and I’m not sure that really matters anyway. Some days are harder than others and vice versa. Simply put, that’s called life.

One thing remains the same in all of it and I want to make it immensely clear, each and every single time I write and talk about singleness. I desire to be married but being in a relationship with another sinner is not going to complete me. Sometimes, I selfishly feel like it will but I know, it won’t. Who I am, my identity and value come because I am loved by my Heavenly Father. A spouse would be a great blessing but he wouldn’t complete me.

I seriously have 10+ drafts saved over the last 5 months and I’m starting another one. My current dilemma, predicament and wondering is simply this. What happened to men? What happened that they no longer are men? Is it too much to desire a man, husband, spouse, best friend who is willing to be a man and own that role as he is called to biblically? Where are these men?

Over the past few-ish months, let say the last 6. I’ve been pursued by a handful of different guys, which truth be told, is abnormal for me. A mixed bag if you will. It has been very good for me though as it has challenged my thought process and things I’ve never really considered before.

Two examples (and honestly, I’m writing this down for future self, so feel free to skip to the end**):

A divorced dad - Although this isn’t something I hadn’t thought about specifically in the past, in my mind, I knew it was something I had written off as something that wouldn’t happen to me. And honestly, not even together. A divorcee. No. A guy with kids. No. A divorced dad. Definitely not. I know that makes me a horrible human being but if I’m being honest, that’s the truth. Now that I’m older and have matured, instead of writing it off as a definite no, it was something I thought about seriously. Could I be a step mom? (and so on)

This one has been going on since September. We’ve had lunch quite a bit, he came over once (it was the perfect mixture of weirdness, endearing-ness and seriousness all at once) and the jist is, he likes me and pursues me, kind of, but isn’t man enough to say it, define it and see if this could really move forward. I’ve not ever turned him down as to show I was uninterested and I understand he has more things to think about but buddy, seriously. 6 months is too long to play that game. That ship is sailed. I can be your friend but that’s all it will be.  A coworker even involved himself and sent him an email telling him to take real action as a man. It is not attractive to me that he won’t take action. I’ve considered just being open with him about this because I’m over the awkward limbo. We are adults for crying out loud. Be a man. He really is a great guy, don’t get me wrong. A little quirky but it’s cute quirky. Alas, not all great guys are guys you have to date and he’s not (at least for me).

A disabled man - Again, not something I have thought about but something I know in my mind, I had written off because that wouldn’t happen to me. I have this perfect picture or fairy tale painted, if you will, even now. The challenge here for me was this man isn’t his disability. He was actually very intelligent and well versed in Scripture but could I stand by him my entire life, love and support him in that way, even though he may never give me children (or even be able to have sex, that was never a conversation but I didn’t know), wouldn’t be able to physically stand up for me? etc etc. Obviously it’s a big deal. And honestly, if this was the man I loved, I would definitely be able to do that and want to ,not saying it wouldn’t be without its challenges.

I had to cut off communication with this guy. Cold turkey and not because of his disability. He contacted me through my website and asked if he could use my ArtPrize story in his sanctity to life sermon. Of courses, I said yes. Many had asked me and I was humbled by that. We emailed a couple times and he shared his story about his disability. He asked if we could be friends and I said yes. Sparing all the details. We gmail chatted (the first day, I didn’t think much of it…that’s what you do when you’re getting to know someone as FRIENDS), he asked for my number so he could text me (and literally it just continued from chat to text) then on day 2 he told me he liked me. From that moment, I knew I had to spread out communication. Gmail chats, emails, facebook messages and text. No exaggeration. I was open with him about it going too fast and it being too much. One night in that first and only week of talking, I let on real irritation. So he said he wouldn’t contact me until I contacted him. A day went by (which I was shocked by) and then he contacted me. I called him out on not following his word, he apologized and said he just wanted to be ‘friends’. I don’t really remember my response but knew my responses to him were much more spread out hours and days but each time he contacted me gmail chats, emails, facebook or text it was throwing the “friends” word out. Not even a week later, I finally wrote the email…he replied, texted, facebook message…and has sporadically since then.

——————-

**You see, especially at this age, one of the least attractive things to me is playing this relationship game as if we were in junior high or highschool. I want a man that is willing to be a man. To own up to his intentions and to be specific about moving forward (without being overly obsessive) and figuring it out. A man that would be willing to have an awkward conversation and possibly lose a friendship for the fact of finding a spouse. That’s immensely attractive. When a man takes on the role of the leader like God has set out in Scripture. Unfortunately, those men. They are far and few behind. I also feel bad for them. We women have stepped up and pushed them around, making it difficult for them to fight back and at some point they have just given up. That’s discouraging to me on both ends of that spectrum.

I’m not complaining that I’m not being pursued. I am. It’s just one end of the spectrum or the other. In all honesty, it makes me thankful that I am content, fulfilled and whole in the Lord. A husband, if God wills, will be an immense blessing. I thought I’d have more for this post but I really don’t. If I wanted to be married right now, I certainly would be but I’m not willing to marry just anyone. I want to love and respect my husband for being a Christ-follower, leader and servant. A man that suffers well. I’m not looking for a fairy tale, that isn’t what life is about. I want to be married, I do but I’m not giving my heart to just anyone.

That is all. 1 blog post down. Check.

Today marks 1 year of driving Shelly to and from work. I mean, working at RBC. (I thought about making that my status but decided not to.)  Best place I’ve worked, hands down.

This is a Shelly selfie.

She recently got an iPhone, so these are more frequent. The greatest things about these is watching my dad  get a kick out of theses. That deep it hurts to laugh kind of laugh. Not because he’s making fun of her but because she really is that innocent [like a child].)

She is 48 years old and has, I think, some sort of autism. I could literally do an entire post dedicated to her.

I’m not envious or lonely but saw this link Feb 13 and literally laughed out loud at my “results” …3 days ago.

I feel a little selfish for what I am going to do this weekend. A little. 

For the first time since I can remember, I have no commitments or responsibilities starting at noon today through Saturday. Not a single one. I even turned down a couple events for tonight and tomorrow. I feel somewhat guilty and thought, I could and should go to them and be social but it’s not happening.

I have a list of things I should and need to do but I’m putting it on hold. For a day and a half.

At noon, I’m treating myself to a massage (only $35 for an hour) then heading home. I thought about going to get a pedicure but that seems like more work, so I scratched that off the mental list. I put dinner in the crockpot before I left this morning and I’m staying home and relaxing. Which entails but isn’t limited to: cleaning my place (it’s a disaster)…doing dishes, laundry and so on (which is actually relaxing to me, when it’s a disaster it stresses me out) – that, you’re already dirty and not going anywhere, so you can get down and dirty while cleaning kind of clean (yeah, I love that), sleeping and catching up on some DVR’d TV. Tonight, I’m going to sleep and NOT setting an alarm. I’m dreaming of waking up in a nasty but glorious puddle of drool. I may very well be up at 7 AM  (which is sleeping in quite a bit) but have a relaxing morning and laid back day with no responsibilities, speaking engagements to prep for or leaving for basketball practice.

I’m also getting sick because I’ve been pushing myself so much the last 6 months (and more), it’s shutting down at the first sign of relaxing. I’m thankful it didn’t, at all, during this crazy busy time in my life. Thanks God!

For the last 2 months, I’ve been looking forward to this weekend for exactly this. The things you get excited for as an adult are pretty sad sometime. I’m sure it gets worse when you become a parent and going to the bathroom in peace because an occasion to brag about. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE people and investing in them but I’m an introvert at heart and crave that time alone.

To a relaxing weekend. Sunday I will jump back on the bandwagon and into social life again.