I was just telling a friend last night  I cry maybe every 6 months. I think that cry might be tonight. Gah.

Frustrating things, in no particular order.

• Basketball – no respect from the AD or Varsity Guy’s Coach, scheduling issues

• Life – having to reschedule and cancel other things because of the above. It’s cool, it’s not like I already had plans.

• Work – false expectations, job postings

• 3 different guys pursuing me. One I said no to with no second thought. One I’ve been forced to cut things off because he has and continues to move too quickly, despite my many warnings and concerns against it. I really hate hurting people. The 3rd guy…been on pursuit for awhile and although I know his intentions at least 97.46%, he hasn’t made them known.

• My eldest brother crap.

• A good friend’s sister died.

• Another lost friendship. It’s becoming a skill of mine.

This weirdly helped. Writing it out, always seems to do that. I know the above doesn’t seem like much. I seriously need a massage to get these knots out.

sigh.

The past couple weeks I have felt weighted down: spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally. I didn’t realize how much it was all affecting me until a coworker came to chat with me about work related items. Half way through the conversation, he asked, are you ok? I wasn’t expecting it and surprised by the question. I gave the generic, it has been a long week to which he responded, your just don’t seem Bethany-like, which sparked a genuine and needed conversation.

If you know anything about my life, it’s kind of crazy. Crazy busy but I think most people can relate to this in their lives as well. I, however, like to be busy. I really, really struggle with relaxing and down time.  Even when I have it, I literally have to force myself to just sit and relax instead of doing laundry, washing dishes, dusting…you name it. I seriously struggle if these things aren’t done. You’re probably thinking I’m psychotic and some days, I think I am, too.

I often think being busy is a drug we I am addicted to. Being busy gives us me a sense that we’re I’m needed and significant. I have to do this or that and so on. My self-worth, all too often, comes by looking at my filled up calendar by looking at quantity instead of quality of activity. When the hard core reality is the world doesn’t need me to keep going. Algoma doesn’t need me to coach. BSF doesn’t need me to attend. West Cannon doesn’t need me do all the website/video work. My nephews don’t need me to be their aunt. Whenever the Lord calls me into eternity, there will be some strings to tie up and boxes to pack but the world will continue to revolve without me in it. Sometimes that’s a hard pill to swallow.

I remember this hitting me pretty clearly as I left Spring Arbor for the last time. My car was packed to the brim, seriously. I stood looking at campus, one foot inside my Chevy Lumina and the other on the payment as I was slightly rested on my car door, looking at a place I called home for 4 years thinking, how will it go on without me? It will easily go on – Spring Arbor doesn’t need me for it to be Spring Arbor. The real question, however, was how will I go on without it?

In my busyness – I feel needed. Overwhelmed but needed and I like to feel needed. Don’t we all? In my, most of the time, selfless busyness, it does becomes selfish. It becomes about the quantity instead of quality, not to say you can’t have quanitity and quality. It becomes more about me instead of Him, which is why I’m so humbled each time He graciously uses my mouth to bring Him glory. No amount of hard work or busyness is ever enough when you work for salvation. That works never brings joy of accomplishment. Whatever busy things becomes a heavy burden to anyone trying to earn God’s approval with our “gifts”. God doesn’t need me but He chooses me. That’s even better.

Sunday morning I skipped church. It was incredibly needed and truth be told, selfish. I was feeling discouraged, worn down and the last place I wanted to be was feeling misplaced at church (also selfish). I never doubt the Lord’s providence and plan for my life, but I did feel lost in the motions and swept up in the busy. Instead, I spent time with the Lord not doing devotions but in devotion to Him – then spent time writing (yes, hand writing) letters to others. It’s truly amazing how the Lord can refresh your being when you stop thinking about yourself and spend quality time investing in others.

It’s a good lesson to learn – sometimes over and over again.

For the 2 people that read this, maybe more. This is me just writing, no pre-thought, no organization, no anything – just writing. So don’t read it if you wish to fix my grammar, analyze my sentence structure. (Even though, I still attempt to keep that somewhat intact.)

It’s only Tuesday and I’m really just…sad? …hurt for others? frustrated with myself?

Is that OK?

Yesterday I receive a phone call with a crying friend on the other end. Her 33 year old handicapped sister died. There’s something about being one of those friends a friend calls in a time like that. What can you do in that situation? Honestly. The only thing I know to do is, pray. My heart is burdened for her. I want to do more. I wish I could make it better for her. I know I can’t.

We had a rough basketball game last night. A really rough basketball game. My kids getting physically beat up on the court, cussed out, made fun of and just beaten physically. Tonight was another rough game. Not the same above but just beating themselves down. I had kids crying at half time. Going into the 4th quarter, though, I look down my bench and every.single.player is heads down and the ones on the court are simply trying to make it through. After the game we go into the locker room and they are  defeated. The second you begin to inquire with these kids, they get quiet and this is what happened after the game. A couple minutes of silence and 4 of them are crying. 1 is divulging information about her life and others are upset. I assure them in my words that I love them and care for them. A couple more minutes of silence and I bring it before the Lord with them. During the prayer, I hear more of them break down.

Sigh. If I could sigh heavier, I probably would. Is it wrong to be burdened for them or with them? I just love and care for these kids so much. Some of the frustration was basketball related – frustrated with themselves and how they “can’t play basketball”, aren’t playing as a team/meshing together and losing game after game is difficult. As their coach, I feel a heavy burden as I know that’s partially, if not almost completely my responsibility to help them play with each other and work as a team. I feel like I’m failing them and I simply don’t know what to do. I so badly want to lift their burdens and carry them myself. To show them I love them somehow. To magically make it better. I know that doesn’t help them learn but it’s hard to see them hurting. As their coach, I know it isn’t completely my fault but it’s still partially my responsibility to mesh them, make it fun etc but even more so, I want to do that for them. In 10, 5 ,3   (you get the point) years they aren’t going to look back and remember the scoreboard. Frankly. I care a thousand times more for them as people then how many points they put up, how many victories they get etc. I tell them this now and tell them as a senior in HS if a coach told me that, I would’ve laughed at them. I’m 8 years out, believe me. No one cares. No one cares or remembers what your record was…no one cares if you hold records at Algoma. Believe me, I loved growing up at Algoma but not a single soul outside of the Grand Rapids area (and that’s pushing it) knows about Algoma Christian School in Kent City, MI. It can help shape you and mold you – teach you lessons (and believe me, it did and I’m thankful and blessed I attended) but ripping yourself apart because you lose basketball games is really sad for me to see. I literally had kids tell me they should never play because the team would do better without them. I don’t care if you suck or you’re the star of the team – you are on the team and you are a valued member of it. End of story. I can’t make them see that.

I really am struggling with this and am praying for wisdom.

Prayer is something I can do. Something that gives up the control in both and every situation. Praying. Praying. Praying. Getting the control out of my hands and into His is literally the best thing for any situation.

That’s my unedited, unsolved post.

goodnight world. tomorrow is a new day.

A friend of mine started a blog and unlike myself, she  puts it out there for the world to see.  She asked if I would write a blog for her to post (I think I promised more as well – better get on that). At first, I was hesistant because I’m kind of a coward to actually put my words and thoughts out there. I like writing here because it’s private for the most part. In other words, I’m not blasting it on social media. I prefer that but also see the value of writing blogs for others to write. I see a lot of value in that, seeing how I should join a “Blog stalking anonymous” club.  Anyway, I digress. One of the suggestions to write on was singleness. Some days I think I could write a book on it. She posted this early in December and I’m getting around the hard task of copying and pasting it here.

Below is what I wrote…this was the shortest version that went up. It was probably double that length at one point. I’m long winded, what can I say? (It really is a combination of other blogs/thoughts I’ve already had here but tried to tie it in a neat(er) little package.)

My name is Bethany, I’m 26, single and living on my own.

Sounds like I need a support group, huh?

Growing up, I was never that girl dreaming about and planning my wedding while picturing my Happily Ever After. I honestly don’t know how I pictured my life as a child when I reached this age but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t where I am now. I probably assumed I’d be married with kids. Well, I’m not…not even close.

Think about this for a second. What if my ultimate goal has nothing to do with marriage or kids? What if my aim was to love people well, and to fully embrace the gifts God has given me to serve Him?  What if my life goal was to run the race and to be called a good and faithful servant at the end of it all? Would that be enough? Would that be acceptable? Maybe that would mean marriage and children along the way, but maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe the best the Lord has for me is not marriage, having brown babies (my mom’s dream) and being a stay at home mother.  I really do want all that but maybe He has something else in store for me. If His plan for me is not getting married or not for 5-10+ years, should I go about my daily life as if I missed out on something? Have I failed and not reached the “best” if I never marry? I don’t think so but it sure feels like that sometimes.

I was listening to Focus on the Family a couple months ago and the 40 year old single woman speaking began to cry as she said, “I’m no ones most important person.” I understand that feeling, so well. Most single men and women have those times when they’d really like to be married. I know I do and I think it’s OK and healthy to admit.

BUT the difference, for me, is it isn’t a spouse that completes me, nor should it be. I don’t need a spouse to “feel” complete. I already am because I am a sinner saved by grace. If He blesses me with a spouse, I will be that much more thankful and blessed. But to expect a spouse to make me feel whole, to fill some void in my life is not where I should be seeking completion. Expecting anyone – friend, family, spouse to do so WILL leave you disappointed because they, like yourself, is a SINNER. It’s in their nature to screw up. It isn’t in HIS. This is not to say they can’t take part in your life, obviously. I believe God made us to need others, for horizontal relationships. The danger creeps in when you expect them to take the role of God in your life, filling a void that only He can – you will ALWAYS be disappointed. It’s a role they will never measure up to and it’s unfair to put such an expectation on anyone.

So let me be clear, I don’t have a void and a resounding yes, I want to be married but my satisfaction is placed in Him and not him. To be honest, I’d have it no other way. If I’ve learned one thing in my life it’s God’s timing is perfect. His plan is perfect and I’m thankful for His provision. So I can truthfully say I’m thankful I’m not married because of where He has me. I know if I was , I wouldn’t know some of the people I do and wouldn’t be doing some of the things I currently am. (The same would be true if I was married.)

26. Single. Complete. Thankful. Blessed. Believe it or not, it’s possible.