Remember ringing in the new year? I do. Almost half a year ago now. Yikes. It makes me remember certain resolutions I made public. Specifically #2. I've been noticing my clothing shrinking...as in I'm getting bigger and they no longer fit like they used to. I bought a scale the other day and I quickly became frustrated with myself. Shocked. It was a number I never want to see again and a number I never want to go above. I was and am kind of humiliated at myself. For the most part, I'm a pretty active person but I'm realizing I need to be more specific about actually losing weight.

I decided how much I wanted to get rid of and wanted to visualize it for myself. (And no, I didn't see this idea on Pinterest but I'm sure it's there.) I had some jars left over from Christmas presents, so I did this and set it out on my counter. Every pound lost is transferred to the other jar.

It took me about 5 minutes before I realized it makes me look like a hooker. I remembered I had some left over vase fillers and thought it looked less obvious.

Let me be clear. I don't hate who I am. I don't hate my body. It's just I'm 26 years old and want to live a healthy lifestyle. Currently, I am not. The amount of weight I want to lose is getting me to the realistic weight I should be at for my age and height. My aspiration and goal is not to be a Pinterest model.

A little Pinterest motivation but my favorite is the one below.

I digress. It's almost June and that's when I'll officially begin. Sigh. Here goes nothing. It'll require self-control. A lot of self-control.

For the last 3 years, I've been riding along with my dad in a parade for Memorial Day. You see, he owns this really classy red truck and my Grandma (his mom) is a Marine who is in the parade with other Marines. Each year, I am blown away by the amount of people at the parade to support the men and women who have served. It's incredible to see the crowds of adults and kids standing, clapping and proclaiming their thanks in different ways. Good for these parents for honoring and remembering but also for teaching their children to honor and remember. It's breathtaking in the most humbling way to see.  We're the land of the FREE because of the BRAVE men and women serving. Men and women giving their lives in time, sacrificing their own family time, injuries (big or small) and even death.

(When she joined and now.)

My Dad drives and I ride in the car to keep him company. It also makes my Grandma incredibly proud to have her son and granddaughter supporting her with our Marine garb on. We always comment on how guilty we feel as the people watching the parade think we served. We didn't but we're sure proud of one who did and anyone who did for that matter. It's funny to me how I well with pride that my Grandma is a Marine because I do. I love to tell others and to brag about her.

That's it. No deep insight. Just pride to know my Grandma. She has gone through a lot in her life and I'm hoping her real freedom is just around the corner.

It HIT me randomly while driving today that I forgot to post THIS picture. The FINALE to the last post. These are the items I brought home from said shopping trip. Seriously, what a blessing that she INSISTED to do this and pay for it all, despite my best effort at the register. Much of this stuff are items I wouldn't purchase for myself or if I did, it would be in different quantities/form/not organic. She truly cares for me and takes care of me. Every. single. item. has a thorough reasoning for why, singly Boppy needs to have these for easy dinners.

AND I called her up today to tell her about the Ensure she gave me. (Not pictured because she gave it to me the Sunday after this shopping trip.) Anyway, she bought Vanilla and Chocolate for Grandpa and they didn't like the Vanilla at all and thought I might. I called her up today (and everytime she answers she says "I was just thinking about you" and she truly was, it warms my heart) to let her know I tried it and that it wasn't the best. I told her I'd drink what she gave me because I didn't want it to go to waste.

So naturally she invited me to dinner because last night as they were eating, they were wishing they could share their dinner with me.

See last post. That's a piece of cheese in that soup.

AND she had all of this waiting for me as well. Seriously, she is always thinking of how she can help me. She bought me a George Foreman because ...yep, you called it "it's good for single ladies cooking for themselves". Then chocolate Ensure, adult gummy vitamins, a single packet of instant mash potatoes and a rug. How can you not smile at such a combination of things in one  of her shopping trips? Logically these items do not make sense but again, each has a reason for why she thought to purchase it for me. Random, funny and a bit off the walls but these are moments I'll look back at and miss when she is gone. Not the things but the moments with my Grandma.

Today when I called her up, the reason she was thinking about me was she read an article about how adults don't like to be called by their nicknames when they get older and she explained further the article about how the person being called by their nickname should ignore the person calling them by it until they say their real name. This was on her mind because she calls me Boppy. All my close family and friends (from my younger years) call me Boppy or Bop. I immediately told her, don't you dare stop calling me Boppy. It's a form of love to be called it by the caller and the receiver (me). She, especially, says it with love.

I really think I need to come up with a better title for these. Grandma-ism doesn't seem to capture the essence as well as I'd like.  Another hearty episode of Grandma-ism to present. Buckle your seat belts, folks.

It's no secret that Grandma is praying for me to get married. I mean praying. every. single. day. Despite the many talks I've had with her and even her agreeing that I'm able to be content and live a great life in my singleness. She gets it and see it in my life, even though I want to be married, I'm not moping. BUT I'm still confident her win all is marriage. I think I've said before that I'm the first single granddaughter who is unwed and moved out of my parent's home but stayed in the area. This has it's perks...even though I'm not a helpless single woman.

Let's begin.

This was my present from Grandma that she brought back from Florida. They bought it and tested it out before giving it to me. "It's perfect for single you" was her comment.

This is a time of baby shower's for a cousin and once those end, another cousin's wedding showers begin. I'm pretty sure showers will be extinct by the time I get married. If anything they'll be e-showers, which I would be totally fine with to be honest. (Takes the face to face away but the opening presents and ooooh and ahhh-ing over presents is not enjoyable to me.) Anyway, my cousin's baby shower. We played a game in which items were in a brown paper bags and we had to guess what the item was by feel. Grandma: "You won't know what any of these are because you're a single lady." This was Grandma's list which I teased her about. Many ------ through the number. I didn't do any better but still, back it up Grams!

Then after the baby shower...oh yeah, I picked her up for the shower and told her I'd bring her grocery shopping because that was on her agenda for the day. She INSISTED I get  a small cart, so she can put things in it that a single lady like me needs to have for easy dinners. She is convinced I don't eat. Grandma by the number on the scale, I can tell you, I do. (I didn't say that though because that would've turned into a self-image talk, I'm sure.)

I have to say I love modern technology and being able to take pictures on my phone.

And we're off.

She kept telling me she needed to teach me how to shop. It wasn't worth the breath to explain that I grocery shop all the time. I let her glory in teaching me things about it all. This is her 1) having no idea I'm taking a picture and 2) explaining how sliced cheese is nicer and how for every meal/guest that you have over, just drape a piece of cheese on the side of the plate and it will make your meal pop. Yes, Grandma. I will remember that next time I have you over for dinner.

BUT my ultimate favorite is this...

She leaves her cart multiple times to go back and get groceries. At points I even asked, Grandma don't you just want to bring them with you. No, it's easier to just leave them here since we can carry stuff back to our cart. A part of me wonders if the cart is just too heavy for her to push around but she made no mention of this. Anyway, the picture above is one time but the picture below, the carts were "parked" over by the Arnies bakery area and we walked back to the cereal isle without our carts.

This is Grandma arms full on the way back to her cart. I had things as well, snapped this picture (because it's a riot...she had soup buried in there as well) and then offered to carry some of her items back to our carts. I couldn't miss the opportunity to capture Grandma walking clear across the store with her arms full of groceries. #priceless

I was talking to my aunt and uncle about this great shopping trip on Sunday night since they heard about it from her during their Mother's Day lunch. I thought I'd fill them in with pictures and my side of the story. My aunt said "We all know Gabe is Grandpa's favorites and your Grandma's favorite." Yeah, it's true.

Soo do you remember Brian (point #3). No we aren't dating and I don't foresee that happening, either. Great guy, hard worker, servant's heart 0and strong believer. I appreciate that about him but I'm not sure we've ever seen each other as potentials. Anyway, he joined the Caleb's Kin class at church. The old folks class. Grandma's class. She was telling me the other day she told him she wants him to marry into our family. Ha. Poor guy. I'm not sure she told him this but she told me. There are only two options me and another cousin and she'd choose me for him. It's a compliment. A Grandma compliment.

Phew, that was so much but needed to be documented before it became a distant memory.

You know, I was thinking the other day that 27 for some reason seems old to me. In retrospect it isn't but the idea that I'll be 27 seems very strange. How did that happen? What do I have to show for my life?

I'll probably flesh this out more later but for now, my heart is heavy. Lately it feels the moment I've gotten up from the last "blow", I'm hit from again. I'm not trying to be dramatic, that's just how it feels and I know I'll be back on my feet again. Over the past years, I know God has been teaching me over and over again to move on, to let go, and to be thankful for what was but will not continue on. It's hard. It's especially hard for me. I care and I invest too deeply. It's personal.

Esse Quam Videri. To be, rather than to seem to be was something I committed myself to this past year. Instead of being "good" and "fine" all the time, I've been trying to be more honest. More willing to be vulnerable and share my brokenness and my hurt. It's still a process and always will be.

So Monday night, going to Bible study when a group member asked about a situation I had been asking for prayer about. I found myself surprised when I responded, "it has been a rough" and sharing what had unfolded to said situation then later in the night sharing again in the midst of holding back tears.  Not people I'd call up in the midst of turmoil by any means but that doesn't mean they didn't still care and even offered hugs.  I had to be vulnerable to allow them to genuinely care. It was refreshing and strange, in a good way.

Then Dad without knowing anything (still doesn't) sends me this message out of the blue yesterday (Tuesday).

And a friend randomly sends this last night.

And this is not so ironically happening today.

I was telling a different friend (BSF Leader) on Monday night as she was very sweetly more frustrated for me and wondering how I was taking it so well that even though, I'm hurt by the situation, I know my God. I went on to explain how I can very easily look back on my life and see how He has provided in my life. (As I'm sure if the same for many.) I see arms length in front of me and God sees it all. I have possible hope of what may happen in the future and see how some of this may prepare me for it but even that may not be the road the Lord takes me down. It'll be hard and it currently is hard but

I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for His promise will endure
And His joy's gonna be my strength

Though sorrow may last for  the night (*many nights)
His joy comes in the morning.

*my addition

2 Corinthians 4

I'm not trying to be stronger or "holier" than I am. I'm broken. I'm hurt. In general, I feel very directionless. BUT I stand, rest and trust on this Rock. This unwavering, loving, merciful, graceful ROCK. He may not reveal tomorrow what is next, He may not reveal it for years to come but I trust and believe in His plan and His provision for my life. I'm also incredibly thankful for the above, the small reminders of the people/things in life God sends for encouragement. He isn't leaving me out to dry. He cares about me and that's humbling.

Heavy sigh of relief.

This weekend was really good. Busy but incredibly good.

Friday when I got off work, I went grocery shopping then met my mom, sister-in-law and Lydia to get pedicures. Mom's treat. That's usually the only time I get pedicures to be honest. Then Friday night, hung out with one of the kids on my basketball team and made this stellar dessert. Stellar is an understatement.

Then Saturday morning, had breakfast with my dad per usual then headed to a Mother/Daughter banquet at church. I was shocked my mother wanted to attend. The last time we did, we looked like the below.

At that time it was a sleepover, so she got us matching jammies and we were pressured into doing a skit together. We were told everyone was doing it, yeah...only 5 or 6 mother daughter pairs participated. I think that scarred my mom, so we hadn't been back since. I think it had to do with Beka having a part in it. I also made a (crummy) video for it...

That afternoon I went home and spent time in the kitchen as I was having some friends I graduated HS with over.

First I made granola for me. Seriously, delicious!

Then I made this for dinner plus roasted potatoes, french bread and I made the red velvet dessert again. We ate, caught up, played Ticket to Ride and watched the classic, That Thing You Do.

Sunday was church, lunch with the family, came home took a 45 minute nap and was back in the kitchen to BAKE. (Not my specialty.) We are having a bake sale fundraiser in honor of a coworkers son who died. Read the story here.

So here is what I made:

S'more Bars

Apple Pie

2 Knock You Naked Brownies

Red Velvet Cookies

Doesn't seem like much now but for a struggling baker, this was a huge accomplishment. Then ended the night hanging out with a world traveler friend who is back for a little bit. It was nice to catch up with her over a bowl of icecream with granola as a topping.

A great weekend if I do say so myself. I truly love being in the kitchen. It made me miss the college days for many reasons. Alas, those times, memories and ...people are in the past. Anyway, it brought me joy and hope it brings joy to others through their consumption. I've really thought about someday just "quitting" life and opening some kind of restaurant. I was reminded by my HS friends that even in HS, I was nerdy pathetic  strange and watch the Food Network Channel for fun. I've always loved it, still do.

Maybe some day those doors will be open. Who knows.