April 12, 2013

  • Sin.

    If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9
     
    I've been feeling convicted lately of confessing sin to God and seeking forgiveness for my daily sins. I don't do it often enough nor honestly, do I acknowledge my sinfulness hardly ever. It's hard to truly face our brokenness. As a Christian, I wonder why that is? It was because of my brokeness and my sin that the Father sent His Son to save me, while I was still in my sin. That sentence alone sends a shiver through my body. 
     
    When I force myself to face the reality of my sinfulness I am quickly bound by chains of who I should be, or what I should not have done. How I am failing or never will figure it out. Inadequate. Not enough. A slave to my brokenness. I am unable to break out of my bondage. In fact, the harder I try, that much more is revealed within myself. For me, it's impossible to think of my own sin without reflecting on the cross.
     
    And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, "This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me." (Luke 22:19)
     
    Broke the bread. Broke His body. Jesus was broken for me. Broken for me. Jesus felt the weight of my brokeness and it broke Him. It broke Him to the point of sweating blood, He endured scourging, shame and insults on MY behalf. 
     
    The cross is the bridge between my brokenness, inadequacies and failures and the eternal, perfect, holy God. He felt the weight of our brokenness so we could experience the unmatched joy of being redeemed in Him. To heal us from our brokenness. To make us new.. Hallelujah! How Deep the Father's Love for Me. 
     
    The struggle is real and my failures are countless. My brokenness is great. So great.
     
    BUT, (a three letter word that holds so much meaning) BUT, my God is perfect, holy, righteous and just. The distance between my brokenness and His holiness is seemingly too great. The more accurately I see my brokenness and the more fully I understand His holiness, the greater my need for a Savior. 
     
    "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20
    My prayer is the deeper my awareness of my sinfulness and broader understanding of His perfect holiness, only serve to magnify the cross!  "He Himself bore our sins in His body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By His wounds you have been healed." 1 Peter 2:24
     
    The ugliness of my sin nature and brokenness is so oppressive. I find myself playing ignorant to my brokenness or minimizing it-anything to not have to face it. Facing it is painful. But God in His goodness to me, (yes, it is aboslutely goodness!), continues to expose me it, to sharpen and refine me as gold.
     
    Thank you Father. It's painful but refreshing all the same. Thank you for loving me.  

April 11, 2013

  • Random.

    I don't go into stores if no one else is in them. I hate the feeling of feeling watched.
     
    2 and 9 driving. I can't remember the last time I drove this way but when I pass people driving like that, they scare me (they look stressed/uptight/unsure about driving). RELAX!
     
    I really feel awkward when I see the person that just used the stall I'm about to go into. I always cover the seat but for some reason that gets me.
     
    I secretly like wearing bike spandex.
     
    The other day at work the secretary comes over the intercom. "Attention everyone, I have an announcement" We all listen intently, thinking maybe this is a building evacuation or something worse. "We have a second pot of oatmeal freshly made if you didn't get any this morning." Phew. Just oatmeal. We all cracked up.
     
    Indians -- I feel less Indian when I'm around actual Indians. My parents had this Indian girl over a little bit ago, they were in Indian Heaven.
     
    Purses. I just hate them. I hate having to keep them on my shoulder when looking at something in the store. So I just don't carry one. My mother hates this. I've been trying to look for an over the shoulder, not childish one. I've found a couple I like...at fossil. Gah. The prices. The ones at Meijer and Target etc look teenage like and that's the last thing I need is something else that yells teenager! I'm such a cheapo when it comes to some things.
     
    The other day it was 8:30 and I was ready to crash. I tried forcing myself to stay up until 9, I gave in at 8:45. I bore myself.
     
    I don't know what it is about sheets but they are always always at the bottom of my bed when I wake up while all the other covers are still around me.
     
    Do you ever think you know yourself so well? The other day I got home and my room was cold, I walked out to go the bathroom and came back to turn on my space heater but realized I already had. My memory is really getting worse but I said outloud, "good job self" and thought you know yourself well, which should be obvious. I then followed up with thoughts about how I'm thankful God knows me better than I know myself.
     
    Ending this one with a quote I heard and liked,
    "Good, better, best. Never let it rest. Until your good is better and your better is best.”
    ― Tim Duncan
     
    Sorry this one wasn't very interesting.
     

April 8, 2013

  • sigh.

    Overall, today has been an incredibly awful day. 

    Death of a friend and continued...yes, continued harassment from my former employee. Lord, give me the strength to continue to hold my tongue.

April 7, 2013

  • Heather's Speech

    I said here I didn't have it and opened a random purse the other day and there it was...so I figured I'd type it out and throw the paper away.

    For those of you that don't know me, which would be the majority - my name is Bethany Sanderson. Heather and I met in college through mutual friends. I've never given a wedding speech before but I'm pretty sure I should be addressing Heather but instead I have some advice for Matt. Matt, these are things dangerous to safer things you can say about some specific topics.

    About dinner:

    Dangerous: What's for dinner?
    Safer: Can I help you with dinner?
    Safest: Where would you like to go for dinner?
    Ultra Safe: Here, have some wine.

    About clothes:

    Dangerous: Are you wearing that?
    Safer: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
    Safest: WOW! Look at you!
    Ultra Safe: Here, have some wine.

    About money:

    Dangerous: What are you so worked up about?
    Safer: Could we be overreacting?
    Safest: Here's my paycheck.
    Ultra Safe: Here, have some wine.

    BUT because I know Heather has taste buds and doesn't like wine, I thought instead of wine, you could give her a roll of Quilted Northern as your Ultra Safe. I know it sounds unusual but I've heard these two go back and forth about which toilet paper is better. A house divided in more than just sports. So Matt, let me spot you some Quilted Norther for your first couple arguments, after that, you're on your own.

    Heather, when you asked me to be your Maid of Honor my first thought was yes but can I get out of the speech. I'm still wondering if I can get out of it? (Pause for laughter........hopefully..?? haha, that was written) It's an honor to stand here with you on your wedding day. Over the years I've known you, I've seen so much growth from when we first met. You aren't the same Heather I met a couple years ago. Your continued growth and maturity in the Lord, life and relationships has been a blessing to see and be a part of.

    I enjoyed getting to know Matt here and there through different things and observe the way he genuinely loves and cares for you. You both are a gift from God to each other. Remember the most important part of love is choosing to love each other. As much as I joke about your future arguments, they will come and sadly Quilted Northern will not be the fix, as great as that would be. Love is a choice and it's something you have to choose to do every single day.

    My prayer for you is that you have a love fueled not by some chemical reaction or simply physical attraction but a love you choose because God loves you. I challenge you both to take the ultimate Sacrifice as an example when you thing of loving each other or when you may not feel like loving. God gave His Son up for us to have the opportunity to call upon His name and be saved. What did we do to deserve that? Absolutely nothing. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. For you and me, and everyone in this room. My question and challenge to you both is what are you willing to give up for the other? A baseball game on tv, lesson planning? Keep God number one in your marriage and then each other. It's not always going to be an easy road but I'm confident that God brought you two together for His glory.

    I look forward to seeing you both continually grow and mature in love for God and each other. Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Oom!

    (Reading that back it sounded a bit dark, it really wasn't. I just knew they really struggled with loving each other all the time, despite what they were getting. Also, the majority of people were unbelievers in the wedding - hence the emphasis on Him dying for us. That is all.)

April 6, 2013

  • Grandma-isms.

    It's probably time I just start designating blogs to Grandma. Sadie, I thought you'd enjoy these. ;) I don't know how often they'll be but when they come around, I'm sure they'll be worth it. 

    They arrived back from Florida this week, so I've been letting them get moved back into MI life before calling them up. I called her up Friday and she needed some help with her computer and tv. So I headed over there. 
     
    First statement as I'm taking my shoes off. "I'm still praying for your special someone. Have you met him?" 
     
    She then talked about shells and how she brought most everything she'd want from Florida home. She went on to talk about how she doubts she'll ever be back there because Grandpa is getting worse. Just hearing her talk about it makes me sad. Whenever he goes, I'm so thankful for the way God preserved him through his first cancer that should've killed him the first time 25 years ago. I shouldn't have ever met him and yet God has preserved his life through 2 other cancers etc and allowed me the privilege to love him. Anyway, it will be a sad day but also one of rejoicing.
     
    We went back to talk to Grandpa and he asked about my job. I told them a little about it and how I love the people. Grandma pipes up again, are there young men there? (I just wonder what is on her mind.) I gave a little and told her about the guy I work pretty closely with each day. One of the last details I tacked on was that he's a Messianic Jew. Grandma's comment was "Oh good then he needs a wife. When I met grandpa, he was messy, too." It took a second to sink in...no Grandma, "Messianic"...I didn't just call this guy a messy Jew. Who do you think I am? haha. 
     
    As I was leaving she was telling me how beautiful I was looking...which I wasn't. I had my hair pulled back which she LOVES. She said, "You're looking beautiful as I always remember you to be." I know this 1. means my hair was pulled back 2. she thinks of a picture she has hanging in a cabinet. We then walked to the cabinet, I laughed and said I'm glad I don't have those eyebrows anymore. She was shocked...I mean really shocked. Do you wax your eyebrows? I said, Grandma look at those beasts? Her comment was "I've never even noticed." Maybe love really is blind? I love her but I was an ugly, awkward looking kid.
    Here's the photo. 
     
     
    Saturday I picked them up to go see Les Mis. 3rd time in theater and once on Broadway for me. Love it. On the way, she insisted on meeting my "Messy friend" - "Just bring him over cause your grandma wants to meet him." She wasn't kidding, either.
     
    She gets her Diet Coke and popcorn. She shared a little with grandpa and I...a little.
     
     
    She could eat it all.
     
    Lastly, those pants she's wearing used to be really orange.
     
     
    They were mine. About 13 years ago (maybe longer), I was wearing them in Florida and she said she loved them. No joke the most comfortable pajama pants ever...the only pajama pants I've ever worn. As a 12 year old, I recognized there weren't many things I could do or give my grandparents that would really matter, which is still true today. Immediately after she said she liked them, I went and took them off, came back and gave them to her. She has loved them ever since.
     
    That's all for this first edition. I wish I could tell you what may come but I have no idea. Then again that may be the best part about it. Until next time.

April 3, 2013

  • Mentor

    This is something I've thought about and have even felt convicted about in the last couple years post college. In HS, I had an unofficial mentor who in all honesty, got me through HS and is someone I highly, highly respect. She was a teacher that went far past her job description, loved and cared for me and directed my paths to Christ. She is still someone I highly respect and look to for advice (we still get together here and there) but with times things have changed, no fault to her. Life happens. We are good friends and I value her role in my life.
     
    I've always struggled with the idea of a mentor because my natural tendency is not to talk about myself. It isn't that I'm trying to avoid conversation about me. I know about me and don't feel it necessary to hear myself talk about my mundane life. I'd rather seek out and invest in other people by listening and asking questions. I'm not foolish enough to think I've arrived in any sense but the idea of asking someone to invest in me, so I can primarily talk about me seems incredibly selfish. Naturally, I would want to know about them and know it would be stretching for me to allow and know it would be almost selfish on my behalf. I would want a mentor relationship where I'm not just takling but also, if possible, giving. Not that I expect my mentor to need mentorship from me. Not at all. Actually I'd doubt I'd have much to offer anyway. I just want to be able to give as well. The idea of someone pouring into me and me not being specific about pouring into them or even the idea, are you going to get burned out by this one sided "friendship" or mentornship? I've been on that side of things.
     
    In complete honesty, the idea of a mentor seems forced. It seems unnatural to me and I wish I could explain why I felt that way. A part of me doesn't like to feel like I need a mentor to succeed in life. Or what does admitting that I need or want one show? Weakness? Dependability? Humanness? Or despite the fact I don't feel like I need one (most days) doesn't mean I couldn't benefit from it. Even now thinking about the idea, I wouldn't know what to talk about. Nor do I want to feel dependent on a person but solely on God. But I also whole-heartedly believe God gives us people for a reason. He created relationships (not just marriage relationships) because we need them.
     
    I write this out not to confuse anyone but to show in a real way the thought process I go through. I don't take this idea or many ideas lightly. 
    I came across Proverbs 13:20 not so coincidentally in my reading, "Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm."
    A couple months ago, Pastor began revealing some changes within our church that, to me, seemed to offer that accountability or relationship I was seeking (in my heart and mind), so I waited but months later these haven't begun. I don't fault him on that, I know and understand launching things take time (ie the church website...ugh). During our Tuesday morning team meeting that starts out with devotions, my boss who is 60-something talked about her relationship with her mentor who has mentored her since 1992. For some reason this took me off guard. Even she had a mentor. Even she noticed the necessity to walk with the wise to become wise. This wasn't a new concept to me as I've listened intently to my two "old friends" speak very seriously about mentorship and how it was a big part of their lives as well as others I respect. So what's holding me back?
     
    I'm not entirely sure and I think it's time I officially go down the road of being mentored. Whatever that means, whatever that looks like and however you go about that. Guess we'll see.

March 30, 2013

  • That Story.

    At the end of my last post, I said I had a cool story and it has only become more incredible since but I've had little to no care to get on here and write. I'm really uncertain why. Also, my xanga has been redirecting to some acousticspot.com on Chrome only. Kind of pesty. That has nothing to do with anything.

    Anyway, it's 9:15 and I'm ready to crash. I miss not being boring but this is my life. I digress, again.

    The story. I work at RBC with CUGN (see last post because I'm too lazy to link again). It's an online University and we have contact with people from all over the world. Literally. Some people stumble across Christiancourses.com or CUGN and ask some theological questions. A co-worker, prior to me starting got an email from Ram from Pakistan, a devout Hindu. Him and his wife both were. They emailed in asking questions about the Bible and Josh (my co-worker) began a dialogue with him, pointing Scriptural truths etc. He, after some time elapsed became a believer, followed by his wife who he was ministering to during this time.

    Ram works in the office of a construction company and his wife stay at home with their three boys. Ram has been very careful to keep his faith quiet as he is aware of persecution that could come. Arbeli (his wife) has been bolder, sharing her faith with a couple of trusted women friends who are still Hindu. A couple weekends ago, she decided to go to the Hindu temple to talk to other women there about Jesus. In anticipating of her coming, someone put oil on the stairs she had to go down. She took a terrible fall and was severely injured. She lost her unborn child and has had to have surgery in a local hospital.

    Enter other connection. Nazeer, another believer in Pakistan about 40 miles (4 hours away) from Ram who also was connected with us through CUGN. We decided to connect these two as Nazeer is a seasoned Christ-follower and he and his wife could be a good encouragement to Ram and Arbeli. Last week Nazeer and his wife took the trip to see them, 8 hours round trip after he got out of work to go encourage, pray and love on these new believers who had many questions. Upon arriving back, Nazeer sent us an email and gave us the update on Ram and his wife, how they were doing, the authenticity of their faith etc. He reported a need of $240 for hospital bills they were unable to pay.

    RBC has a connection where we can send things to HR and they can post them for any staff member to see/they use it to communicate to staff. Anyway, my boss put it out in the connection as we have been posting the updates of the story there. Within 2 hours, we had $230. My boss went to get coffee down the hall, ran into someone who was asking about where they could give. She didn't mention how much was needed. Before she got back an additional $10 was given. That's cool to me. We all rejoiced over the way God met that to the dollar but the next morning we came into work to 2 additional anonymous givings. 1 for $240 and the other for $100+, I can't quite remember the exact number.

    The whole thing just blew me away. The idea that us, just sitting in our little office really did have an impact on someone. I just love that. I love the way that people at RBC jumped on the need. Mostly, I love the way God provided. The way God worked it out perfectly. For Nazeer to already be a contact, for Ram to contact us about Christianity to being able to connec Nazeer and Ram, as well as use people at RBC to respond financially. That touches heart strings for sure. My God is mighty. Mighty in so many ways.

    "And if Christ has not been raised, our preaching is useless and so is your faith." 1 Cor. 15:14

    So thankful He conquered death, saved me while I was still a sinner and graciously uses me as His vessel. #absolutelyunworthy

    He is risen! He is risen indeed!

March 20, 2013

  • RBC

    Probably time I kick out a blog about work.
     
    My brain has been a little exhausted lately and due to a recent spill, my head has an extra bid of pounding that wasn't planned on.
     
    Bunny trail. Of course, three sentences in I'd already be off track.
     
    I envision myself getting injured often. I've mentioned before I'm pretty certain I'm going to get t-boned in a car and that's how I'm going to die. I envision that almost everytime I'm driving. Anyway, in the winter, I also envision I slip on ice and crack my head open. This doesn't lead to death, just injury. Anyway, so I try to be more careful around ice. Well the other day, I found myself on some ice next to my car door, as I was in mid-open, I went down and on the way my head caught the door. Awesome. I've never pictured it happening that way. The first couple days I got some bad reactions towards it but my head is pounding less than it was at first.
     
     
    I digress. That's why my head is pounding extra.
     
    Bunny trail over.
     
    I love my job. Love. That's probably not a suffient recap for my elderly self as I sit in a hospital bed dying reading about myself....because that's what I'll be doing. I have a hard time knowing where to begin.
     
    What I do:
     
    I work at RBC with CUGN and CC. RBC has many, many ministries within its doors.
     
    Both are online schools where you can take either free courses, courses for certificates or for a degree. My title if you will is Media Technician. I work with the marketing, social media, websites as well as the portals for the online classes and students. It's a great variety of working in front of a computer as well as interacting with people.
     
    The first week was a lot of orientations aside from learning about my specific job (that's a continuing process). All of it was a lot to take in but I appreciated it all.
     
    Orientations such as:
    Communication
    Safety
    Benefits
    History
     
    One funny story from week 1. I saw a bulletin board of new employees. It has a picture of the employee and a little tidbit about them. I was emailed for this information, so I promptly replied. Being the person I am, I thought it'd be funny to send a skydiving photo. They are labeled "That's Fear" photos because Mr. Strayhorn upon seeing them was adamant about the photos showing my great fear. Anyway, funny photos which got a laugh from everyone when seeing them the first time - especially Anna. I sent it off. The next thing I knew, this photo went out in an all company email and was put on the screen in chapel. People keep stopping me and saying hi, I saw your photo. I guess it did what it was supposed to...I'm stellar like that.
     
    Things I love:
     
    The people. It amazes me how friendly people are and I love it. People in my department talk. People you're passing by talk, say hi, start up conversations and introduce you to other people.
     
    Chapel. Every Wednesday. That's cool...except for when you have to stand and your photo is put up.
     
    It's a bigger company, so there are things for the employees. Monday/Wednesday a bowl of oatmeal for a quarter and it's not that instant junk. Tuesday/Thursday catered lunches for $4.50 and the portions are huge plus there are 2 different options. Tuesdays options were: Menu: Glazed Ham Slice Cheesy Potatoes Seasoned Green Beans Bread Slice w/ Butter. 2nd Choice: Grilled Chicken Salad. Soup of the Day: Chicken Vegetable & Alphabets (I haven't actually done this yet but the idea is cool to me.) There is a cafeteria and on any given day of the week you can forget your lunch and you'll be good to go. They offer wellness classes amongst many other things. Also, I realize all but one of those had to do with food.
     
    I can wear jeans whenever I want. For some reason that makes me more apt to dress up. Oh and benefits. Insurance, paid holidays and vacation from DAY 1. I get Christmas Eve off, the day after Thanksgiving off AND Good Friday. Love.
     
    The first week some of the coworkers went to see Fiddler on the Roof together. 1. I hadn't ever seen it before and enjoyed it. 2. That wouldn't have ever happened at the old place.
     
    There is one other Indian here. Yes, she has already invited me to Indian get togetherS. Apparently there are numerous Indian gatherings in G-Rap. All the Indians must be hiding out somewhere until these get togethers because I only see 2 or 3. I guess Jesus said, where 2 or 3 are gathered...we'll see if I go. She also introduced me to someone who also attends BSF YA in GR. This was later in the day, she brought him to my area to introduce me -- Asian guy and is having Visa problems. He came up to me at BSF and I couldn't remember his Asian Ming-Ten name and I made a joke about him not wearing a name tag...coming from Miss I hate wearing mine but do sometimes.
     
    It's really flexible with my hours - seriously. It's great and it's only week 2. Not that I've asked for flexible hours, although mine are. When bball season rolls around, it will not be a problem at all. Perfect-O! This week I started picking up a person from our church who is something - mentally handicapped, I don't really know but she works at RBC in the mail room. Anyway. It's not really on my way or anything but the family has been searching for someone. Other than her being incredibly talkative, it's fine. But it isn't just talking, it's literally shouting. Although I know she doesn't understand it as that. In general, I'm not a very talkative person but there's something about driving to work that I like to just be quiet, listening to the radio or praying. I try to get that out of the way on my drive to pick her up now and know the other time is listen, engage time. It's good for me, I'm sure. Then getting out of work, I like to go straight home, start working out and get that out of the way. Not anymore. And today, I look over and her finger is up her nose...excuse me, where are you going to put that when you're finished? I know I'll be praying for patience on particular days. I know it's a huge answer to prayer for them, so I'll be praying for the right attitude as it continues on.
     
    I guess those are the noteworthy things.
     
    The past week and a half, I couldn't help but think this is the kind of job I'd be perfectly fine keeping for awhile. I kept thinking, I can wait to meet Mr. Special Someone and having kids now. I guess having a job you love to go to helps with that. I'm sure things will simmer down a bit but I don't see myself despising this job ever, like the last. And for the record, I would trade the job for Mr. Special Someone and kids. Although Grandma without hesitation when I told her I quit my job, WITHOUT HESITATION her next sentence was "I'm praying you get a job in a Christian organization and meet your spouse." Haha, oh ok...are you sure you don't want to think about that?
     
    The job is soooo good. So good. In all honesty, I only had UP to go but everything is top notch at a bigger company. Not perfect. I'm not foolish enough to think because it's a Christian company that it is but it definitely has its perks. I'm finding my place and roll in my position as well as getting to know others in the company. I explained it to someone like this, "I'm not a crier in most instances (well minus the last 6 months...I didn't say that but thought it) nor do I ever feel like crying because I'm so happy. I haven't cried over it but I feel like I could because it's such a blessing." 
     
    Not for a second since I quit my last job did I wonder what God had in stored. I knew there was a plan for it all happening and I needed to trust Him fully. The peace about it all came moments after I quit. The burden was lifted almost immediately. Going into the interview at RBC, I knew so confidently if that was the position God wanted me to have, He'd open the door. If not, He'd close it and lead me elsewhere. I'm so thankful for His provision and hand in it all. 
     
    Light at the end of the tunnel, I think so. 
     
    It's skype time. Adios all. Posting a cool story later. 

March 11, 2013

  • Random

    I hate when my feet are hot. 
     
    I was talking to a friend the other day (on the phone). I tried to flip the conversation on her and she said I'm not finished asking about you. I jokingly asked did you write all these questions on a notepad? She answered like this and I wasn't expecting it yet appreciated it, "You are always purposeful about letting others talk and getting to know about what is going on in their lives. You aren't one to center conversation around you and you aren't a natural gut spillers. So I know that means I need to be purposeful about asking about you." I really appreciated that. It isn't that I'm trying to make people prove they want to get to know me or that I'm being difficult, I just naturally try to keep the attention on the other person. I know about me, so I don't need to hear myself talk about me. 
     
    Cracking eggs with one hand brings me glee.
     
    Since 2011 I put $100 a month away, so at the end of the year I have a bonus $1,200 sitting around. I love saving and budgeting. 2011 I purchased my Sleep Number bed. 2012 money is in an envelope taped at the top side of the backside of my television. If I die before I get married, use that money to cover funeral expenses or donate it somewhere. (*edit 6/20/13 - I used 2012 money to help pay off my car faster) Nothing in mind for 2013 extra bit of cash. (*edit 6/20/13 - going to use it for a trip to Mexico to visit Lisa.)
     
    I found a VHS tape the other day of my last basketball game played at Algoma and last one ever as a Senior in HS. I'm kind of embarrassed watching it back because I thought I was great - I wasn't bad but not great. That's really the only thing I miss about being in HS. I was good for Algoma standards but that's not saying too much. 
    Season 2 of coaching is under the belt. Well, the season is done. I've got the Alumni Game, which I get to play in and love then Sport's Banquet. 
     
    I wonder how many calories you burn exercising in your dreams? 
     
    I love that might miss your next flight feeling and having to rush to the next gate. 
     
    I love technology and how it's moving but I'm pretty sure I will always prefer an actual book than an ebook. I love feeling the pages, seeing the read progress, turning the pages. 
     
    I wish I didn't look like I was so young. I'm beginning to wonder if I wore makeup if that'd change that. 
     
    Today was my first day at RBC. More on that later. BUT the most exciting part of my day was meeting my friend's baby that was born yesterday. Aside from meeting my nephews, I've not been more excited to hold a newborn. Then had to go to an All Conference meeting with the other coaches in the leagues. So boring. All around, great. 

February 25, 2013

  • feelings.

    I've been trying to think of something intelligent to write about as I know I've lacked in insightful posts lately. I read other blogs and adore the way others write, wishing what I had to say was half as important and if it was, that I could portray it the way they do but I don't on both accounts. I know I shouldn't compare my anything to somebody else. God created me to be me. Not them. 

    I digress.
     
    I've never been that girl and still am not that bases life off feelings and yet, tonight I just feel. There is this feeling welling inside of me but not about anything specific nor can I pinpoint it. A little of everything. A mix of emotions and feelings. Blessings. Hurting. Joy. Missing. Somber. Contentment. Thankfulness. Contemplative. I've always had a hard time admitting feeling - especially to someone about something, even to myself. Whatever kind of feeling. I've always kind of felt guilty for feeling. Sounds kind of dumb, I'm fully aware but doesn't make it any less true. I shouldn't feel sad because of this or that, or hurt or happy. But I'm human, right? It's ok to feel. I actually think it's a gift from God to feel things. I'd rather feel something as opposed to be a robotic machine. There's nothing fascinating about that, no depth or sincerity. 
     
    As always, I wish I knew where I was going with this but I don't. I sit here wishing it was possible to bubble wrap my heart but know that isn't a feasible option. In the past months, I've learned in a deeper way through circumstances I wouldn't have chosen to relinquish my life, every bit of it, to Him. I am and I have been and it's the most comforting action to take but I don't think that means sacrificing or hiding feelings in the process. You can relinquish your life to God and still feel, at least that's how I feel. 
     

frozenpenguin32

Archives

Recent Comments

Categories