I wrote this to a friend the other day, which was fitting in our email threads.

"I want to save myself for one person – completely. I don’t want to kiss until we’re engaged. I want that to only be shared with my husband. It’s rare I know and maybe seems unrealistic. He may not have saved that for me, but I want that to be his and only his. Maybe that’s being a hopeless romantic but that's not how I view it at all. It’s the morals I’m going to hold to. I don’t want to kiss that guy over there and that guy and so on that I’ve given so much of myself away – emotions/physical to other men that aren't  my husband. I know how my mind works and how it remember memories like firsts this or that, or that specific place reminds me of that - every single time. I don't want that to be spread out amongst men. For me, I would feel like that's not staying pure for him. Of course, I hope and pray he's saving himself for me. Primarily physical but I also believe there is more to purity than just being physically pure. I want to be pure. Completely. Mind, body and soul if the Lord blesses me with a husband. I want him to know I saved myself for him and him alone. I know this isn't the norm in today's world but the world is not my standards. Scripture is where my standards of living come from - simple as that."

I went to pull it out after I saw Mark Driscoll's tweet yesterday, "Single man: are you loving your future wife by how you conduct yourself spiritually, financially, emotionally, mentally, and sexually?" Amen.

I watched the Bachelorette tonight because I had time to catch up. I know, I know...shun me for watching. Anyway, one of the guys that wasn't given a rose tonight said this, "There's still that missing piece in my life which is true everlasting love that I don't have. Without that you feel alone, like you're not complete." He's obviously missing it. The true joy it is to be complete not because of a person, a friend or something but solely by Him and Him alone. I've been listening to Give Me Jesus a bit lately and really praying that to be true of my life. "You can have all this world just give me Jesus. Give me Jesus." That's saying a lot. I am complete. Right now. As a single woman living in my parent's basement. I am complete because He made it possible to be.

My summer schedule is a bit...psychotic. This was the first week of it. Oh boy.

Work is assumed. 7:30-4 pm.

Monday. Straight to pick up Forum T-shirts then changed and headed to Grandpa's for golf with the church league. Home by 10:30 for the first time longer than 5 minutes.

Tuesday. Home to pick up my camera for the Forum. I wasn't planning on being the picture person, which is why it was at home. Then the Forum. Home by 10:15 for the first time longer than 5 minutes.

Wednesday. Dropped my car off at Intertek, worked, picked up my car, straight out to Algoma for open gyms then straight to Bible study. Home by 10:30.

Side note. Intertek is pretty cool. Shout out to Sadie for that one. I would never have trusted it if it weren't for her...truth be told, the first time, I took pictures of my car - inside and out - beforehand. The website, to me, is sketchy. Anyway, it's right next to my work, so it's no skin off my back. They've taken my car 3 times.

Thursday. Had an hour before meeting a friend for dinner. Went to Tim Hortons and whipped out the church announcements. Dinner with the friend then softball game and post Pump House with the team. Home by 10:35. 

That's my normal week schedule (minus the Thursday dinner and Pump House). I should most likely be home earlier than that on Thursdays.

Friday. 

Worked till 11:30. Met Megan to talk wedding. Lisa and I are her mistress of ceremonies in August. Then met Teresa to go to a movie. We were supposed to go off road craz-o biking but I did something to my toe at basketball, so we went to a movie. I was headed home around 5 and my parents call. What are you doing? Heading home and going to do work. Well we're out to eat and going to a movie. So I did that instead. For not seeing a movie since, I can't remember when to two in one day. I got home by 10 and was feeling really good to be home that early.

Saturday.

Should've said no to this too but went for a Saturday morning bike ride with people from church. Kathy would've killed me if I bailed. Home. Showered. Photographed a wedding. Home by 11:30.

Sunday. 

After church Sunday I went out with some people from church and I can’t tell you how empty it felt. I didn’t enjoy the position I was put in. Nothing about it was against the law but morally, I didn’t feel right being part of it. No, I didn’t drink but the way in which they did was underlying deceptive. I know they didn’t feel that way but I did. With others, it simply wouldn’t have been a situation I would’ve been placed in. And yet, I know the Lord is calling me to invest in one of these friendships because she needs a true friend to come alongside her and speak truth.

Sunday I began praying for a horizontal physical friend. I have a couple genuine friends in different areas of the world – life happens and they moved away. As much as I keep in contact with and cultivate those relationships, it’s not the same. They are still good and healthy friendships but an in the flesh friend to share and live life with is what I’m praying for now. In the past year, I've really struggled and been hurt by a lost friendship. It has been harder than I ever thought. I miss her, deeply. An encouraging horizontal in the flesh friend to live life with...I lost and I really don't understand how or why. I digress.

My Vertical relationship takes precedent over everything else. He is my everything. My All in All. Anything and anyone He blesses me with aside from Himself is just that...a blessing. Bottom line.

I also believe He created us to need horizontal relationships. It is not good for man to be alone...yes, I know that’s in the context of Adam and Eve and often used to back up marriage but I wholeheartedly believe it's applicable to human relationships/friendships in general.

I’m the kind of person who would rather have 2 or 3 real friends than countless acquaintances. There’s a place for both but I desire a real friendship. Ruth and Naomi. David and Jonathan. Elijah and Elisha. Paul and Luke.

1 Samuel 18:1–3 
After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself.² From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return home to his family. ³ And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself.

Life is hard and we need each other.  In Hebrews 10:24-25 it says, "Let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one other and all the more as you see the day drawing near." 

Living in community with others takes work.  It's being willing to enter into another person's mess.  It's being willing to let other people into your mess.  It takes patience.  It begs vulnerability.  And it requires endless grace.  But when we are connected with others, life can be sweet. We can bear one another's burdens (Galatians 6:2), they can bear ours.  We are mutually encouraging (1 Thes 5:11).  We are challenged and we grow (Prov 27:17).

I don’t expect an instant friendship like Jonathan and David experienced but a friendship with that depth amazes me. Who wouldn’t want a friendship like that? As I was praying Sunday, I found myself saying Lord, it sounds like I’m praying for a spouse and maybe unintentionally, I am. We’ll see who the Lord brings into my life, if anyone. I want what He desires for me and I wholeheartedly mean that. Instead of continuing on this path of what I've lost, though it will continue to be hard, I am beginning to pray more specifically for a friend. I have been, here and there, but I believe I should be specific, even though my Father knows exactly what is on my mind and heart. He still desires us to ask and be vulnerable with Him.

I haven't really written about this in the last year. I'm a pretty private person, even on my private blog. Over the past 8 months, I can tell you I've cried more than I have in the last 10 years of my life. That's not an exaggeration either. Even now I won't give all the hairy details, they aren't worth digging up and frankly, it wouldn't do any good anyway.

In late 2010 (aka December), I met this girl who I thought was friends with all my friends. To come to find out, none of them really got to know her and I decided to be intentional about getting to know her. It was a decision I made because I knew she was someone...different. Well grounded in her faith, mature, loving, caring, great sense of humor. Someone worth investing in and being friends with. I wasn't wrong. Not in the slightest.

The time spent with her and her family was a blessing. Every. single. time. My heart was constantly overwhelmed by God's love. The way she and this family displayed The Father through their daily lives was astounding to me. A gift. An example. A blessing, to say the least. I love them as family, that's the bottom line. I always will.

You see, she is a friend worth having. I love her like a sister. Like Jonathan loved David.  I can tell you, I'm uncertain to how we got to this place. Truly dumbfounded. There are some things I understand and some, I probably never will. However, I have come to the point (over time) where I don't need to because the Lord is good. No, the Lord is great. Faithful. Constant. Loving. Full of grace. Whether or not I am because I can tell you, it was a time of testing. I lost my best friend. I lost her family. I'm only left wondering what I could've, should've, would've done but that doesn't do anyone any good - especially me. But I am confident He has been and is still using this for His glory, despite my understanding of the situation.

The job was hard. Basketball was hard. Juggling the weddings was hard. Funerals were hard. But nothing compared to losing this friendship (and family). There are no words for me to explain how hard that was and is to go through. You don't get a friendship like that everyday and I deeply, deeply miss them. I knew while I had it, I was overly blessed with it and undeserving. You won't ever hear me speak an ill word against her or her family. Not ever. Not a single word. I may not get what happened or understand how we're not friends anymore. I may have been hurt through it. But I love her and them much deeper than that. If the Lord ever brings her back into my life, in a heartbeat….in a heartbeat, I'd be there. No questions asked. If something were to happen to any of them. I'd be heartbroken. Devastated.  I'd want to be there - even though that's not my place anymore, it's still my heart. They will always hold a special place in my heart.

After 8 very difficult months, the Lord has done a good work in me and in my heart.

A couple weeks ago, I listened to a sermon from Pastor Mark (a Pastor that used to be at West Cannon - I listen to his sermons each week). He has been going through David and the sermon was about Jonathan and David. He actually highlighted Jonathan a lot – how he was specific about initiating the friendship. In all honesty, I had kind of stopped initiating any friendships with other people (my already friends and other people). The last 8 months was a time where God really stripped me of things I loved and "securities" – close friendships and a job. I’d initiate things with my friends and people because I knew I should but for the most part, it was just an action – going through the motions. But God very obviously used that time to deepen my dependence on Him. A friend of mine reminded me the other day of how we met, how I initiated the friendship. She called it a gift and I needed that reminder as I had lost sight of it.

There are nights over others that I miss this friend a little more. Tonight we had softball practice for church. I laced up my shoes we got together on a spontaneous decision to stop at the mall on our road trip to her birthday present. From there, the good memories flooded. I have so many. There are (many) days I want to send a text or an email, just saying something funny that happened, seeing how her life is going, how I can be praying/encouraging her or even having the guts to ask to hang out but it isn't the time and I'm really not sure when it will be, if ever. (That sucks by the way. A lot.) Either way, through the pain and tears, I'm so blessed to have had that time with her and her family. So ridiculously blessed and thankful to the Giver who gives and takes away.

That's it. No conclusion. No deep insight. Just thankful and missing what once was tonight. Thank you, Father, from the bottom of my heart for those two years. I treasure them in my heart.

Last night was the infamous BSF Share Night and incredibly corny-ancient ending song. And I love hymns because I'm 90 years old but this is so dated...and to me, as the last ending song we sing, it's almost saying see you next Fall - you can't be friends and hang out in the summer. haha. Seriously they need to record it and watch back how awful it is...especially for the Young Adults age group.

I digress. At points this year, from beginning to end, I seriously considered dropping . For multiple reasons at different points in the year. Each would have been for the wrong reason (and I clearly knew that) not to mention, I really enjoyed studying Genesis – hence, I finished it out and I’m glad I did.

I won’t recap these but simply link into one of the struggles early on and the Noah post. (This will probably be a link-heavy post to Scripture.)

Practically since BSF began, life has been...hard. I believe God has used it all to draw me closer to Him through resonating this book I’ve read and heard stories from over and over. Talk about the Word being living and active. I’m not even sure where to begin with my thoughts on this study. I will only highlight some of the things that resonated with me.

1. Where better place to start then the creation of man in the IMAGE of God? Made by the Potter. Fearfully and wonderfully made but marred.  What is the only way the Potter can mold the clay? By applying pressure – trials – tests to shape us as it seems best to Him.  

2. Abram and Lot. One of many lessons and lectures that wrenched my heart due to circumstances in my life. What an example Abram was early on in his life – a spiritual leader who made the choice to confront Lot, turned around and still acted humbly with grace! Gah. He valued his relationship with Lot and because of that, he addressed and tried to resolve the conflict as it emerged. It wasn’t an easy thing to part from Lot, it hurt Abraham. In the midst of the hurt God knows he’s hurting and says, lift your eyes to me and walk through the land rememebering my promises to you. Despite the hurt and suffering of his current circumstances he lifted his eyes to God and moved forward taking hold of God’s promises.

3. Moving on to Abraham being tested. You know when God told him to sacrifice his son...he was promised.

I can’t remember who gave the lecture that week but they pointed out something very simple but also very profound, in my mind. Abraham’s test was designed for him. It was necessary for his spiritual growth, purposeful and perfectly timed. My mind went to the idea of “bulk” trials – like God is sitting in Heaven hoisting trials upon people in bulk. I’ll let this group of people struggle with purity and those people over there...hmm, I’ll give them the trial of rejection. Of course not. He knows us better than we know ourselves and each trial in our lives is specifically designed for us – for our GOOD. I love how Abraham set out to follow through with the command God gave. The general example that comes to mind, for me, is the idea of someone reaching/offering to pay for dinner but knowing the other person will insist. It was all about appearing to be thoughtful, obedient with no intention of follow through. This is not at all what Abraham was doing and I respect that, a lot. It was an act of surrender to God for God. He left his servants in the dark with the donkeys. He wasn’t gloating in his obedience. He was obeying despite the difficutly of his circumstances. Abraham didn’t question God because he knew Him. He acted on the promises of God which strengthed him to glorify God in his grief and trusted God as his provider which enabled him to sacrifice without reservation.  

Gen. 22 vs “¹² “Do not lay a hand on the boy,” he said. “Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son.” We were challeneged to look at the sentence this way, “Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your (fill in what is applicable to you).

4. “Here I am” and “I will go” were both responses said by Abraham, Rebekah and Jacob. Talk about a HUMBLE and OBEDIENT responses to God. They responded this way because they so deeply knew the Father and when He spoke they knew it because they knew Him. I was challenged to know Him that well.

5. Isaac began praying on behalf of Rebekah because she was childless when he was 40. Jacob and Esau were born when he was 60. Do the math. 20 years of praying and waiting. Just because God waits...a week, a year...20 years doesn’t mean He has forgotten about you and your request. A delay in answered prayers doesn’t mean God is denying it or has forgotten. We need not assume our timing is God’s timing because it's not. 

6. Jacob meets Esau. This was another lesson that really wrenched my heart and to be honest, I was not expecting it at all. First there was Jacob’s prayer and the 6 parts we talked about from that and how it is an example for us on how to pray: Relationship with God, recognize God’s Character, recounting blessings – remembering where God found him, a specific request, his release or my word, RELINQUISHING and lastly relying on God.

Then and I absolutely love this, Jacob comes up with the gift he’s going to help lessen the blow with Esau. He’s taking the control on himself again. He is his biggest enemy by being self-reliant. He wrestles with God, not metophorically, and God physically weakens him (his hip) to very practically get Jacob to trust and depend on him. His physical weakness made him strong and dependent on God. Not to mention humbled to meet Esau. Just as Jacob was his biggest enemy, I resonated just the same with needing to step aside from trying to reconcile and just let God work.

I know many didn’t see the theme of reconciliation in Jacob and Esau but again, because of circumstances it was the forefront of my mind. It was obvious that even after all these years (20 years?) Jacob and Esau knew they needed to be reconciled. The thing about this reconciliation was it didn’t mean communing together again. Esau wanted to but Jacob saw it differently but they both realized it took two to reconcile. So much to be thought on during this, even still.

7. Joseph. Or “our friend Joe” as we referred to him in our group. Where to start? Another story of reconciliation. What a faithful example. To sum up Joe is simply this, he had a heavenly perspective. In all the hardship he went through: being sold, falsely excused, imprisoned, forgotten – EVERYTHING. At the end when he’s reassuring his brothers again, he says in Gen. 50:20, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Just incredible. He trusted God to restore the brokenness and showed compassion when he could have easily taken revenge (he was in the position and had the power to do so). This is a man that gave every bit of credit where it was deserved. I love when he is brought in front of Pharaoh  and he says he heard Joseph could interpret his dream. His response Gen. 41:16, “I cannot do it,” Joseph replied to Pharaoh, “but God will give Pharaoh the answer he desires.” One example of many that he gave all the glory to God. Even directly after Joseph suggests that Pharaoh finds a wise man to put in charge of the land. If I was Joseph I would have said put me in charge because of what I just did but he was sooo humble. A heavenly perspective is definitely something I’ve been more conscience to think like.

We talked much about how Joseph showed grace and forgave his brother and whoever gave the lecture that week said, “Forgiving doesn’t mean the act was acceptable.” I truly believe one of the hardest things to do is forgiving someone, even when they don’t see the need for it. I can tell you, from past and current circumstances, there’s nothing more freeing than forgiving and letting go. What Joseph’s brothers did to him was not right but he still needed to forgive them. I think we often think forgiving somehow justifies what they did to us, in reality, it’s simply the right thing to do.

So there you go, an overview of the concepts I walked away from in this year’s BSF study of Genesis. Many instances of people not letting their circumstances define their faith but their faith define their circumstances. A lesson that was and is incredibly fitting for me with the turn my personal circumstances took in the last 8 or so months. The last thing I wrote in my notes is this, “Uncertainty is a good time to show our faith in God.” Isn’t that the truth and a good wrap up of Genesis, at least this time around. 

I look forward to the next time I dig into it and see how God speaks through it differently in light of the circumstances I'll be in then. 

I have scars on my elbows from crashing my bike and scars on my knees from playing basketball. I have a scar on my thumb from art class and a scar on my head from getting stitches. I have scars on my back from being beaten in Indian. I have scars that have molded me.Scars that are intangible to anyone else. You can explain the circumstances, your feelings until you're blue in the face but no one will really understand. Nor can they, they didn't experience them.

Things happen to us we don’t understand. We feel guilty for something that occurred a long time ago, or we misinterpret a thoughtless comment or action made by someone important to us. Some hold secrets and are fearful because of what might happen if society ever found out the truth we carry inside. Some of us have been hurt, letting down our guard with people or institutions we thought we could trust.

You get the idea. You know what I mean, because you have scars, too. Inside and out.

Instead of feeling ashamed of them. Why aren't we - Why aren't I embracing them? It is a fascinating thing to live and have marks to prove it. It isn't a competition of who has the better physical or emotional scars (well, ok sometimes it is for physical scars) but it's a testament to our inner strength. Not our own strength but the strength and mercy the Lord gives us to carry on. To consider it pure joy whenever facing trials of many kinds. Trials being anything that bring you pain or suffering. Something the Lord ordained but you wouldn't ask for it. Looking back, I wouldn’t have asked for them but I wouldn’t take them back, either.

Scars tell stories. I have entertaining and engaging stories about my physical scars. I have painful, maybe heart wrenching stories about the emotional ones. When I see scars, I see a person who has lived -someone with depth, who isn't afraid to risk, at least a little, for fear of being hurt. Maybe it was a foolish risk and maybe it wasn't but it was a risk nonetheless.You simply do not obtain scars, of any kind, if you are not vulnerable in some way or another. To me, it's part of living and necessary for growth. You see they don't have to define us. We are not our scars. However, they do help form and shape us by the grace of God (yes, it is grace) - refining us as gold.

To refine gold, heat must be applied to force the impurities to the surface. As the impurities rise, they are removed and more heat is applied. This process continues over and over again, heat is applied and re-applied, until the gold is pure.

Our lives are a process of God applying heat and exposing our weaknesses, our faults, our struggles and our impurities. Heat is hot and uncomfortable -painful, but if we submit to the heat, we are transformed day by day into His likeness.

In Hebrews 12, God tells us it will seem difficult for the moment and it is, but it always yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness. But peace does not mean we have peaceful circumstances. Peace is realizing God is in control of all of the pieces of our lives, and even the difficult pieces have an important place His plan for us.

In the heat, we see His power displayed and we become His vessels for His glory and reflectors of His image to the world. To me, that is a life worth living, no matter your circumstances! There is joy and peace and rest in the refining process.

The Refiner knows the gold is pure when He looks into it and sees His reflection.

Here's my attempt to mesh two blog posts seamlessly into one. One was started months ago and the other began weeks ago.

I do a lot of things but I don't do a lot of things well and often wish I had one thing I was known as doing well. I play golf but I'm no golfer. I ski but I'm no skier. I bike but I'm not a cyclist. I play softball but I'm not a softball player. I go fishing but I'm not a fisherman. I run but I'm not a runner. I go bowling but I'm not a bowler. When I was younger, I played basketball and was a basketball player. Was. Honestly, I liked that. I was known for something I succeeded at but now I just dabble in all these hobbies. I can do them to the extent of enjoying them but no one thing is my thing. Last summer, I played frisbee golf a couple times with friends. I laughed that people took it so seriously but the more I thought about it, the more I envied their dedication to it. As silly as I thought it was and still kind of do.

I've really been contemplating what I want to be known for in my life. My answer. Know me as a servant. A Bond-Servant of Jesus Christ. John 13:35, "By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." Just like the above, if not more, it's critical to train because it isn't a natural gift. To die to self. Just as any sport takes training - discipline - dedication - self-control, so does walking in the way of the Lord. As much as I wish it was a natural gift to be selfless and humble, it isn't. It takes work. Hard work but the real question is, are we disciplined enough?

Losing weight comes to mind. If you want to lose weight, you dedicate yourself to working out, eating right etc. It doesn't just happen. It isn't enough to just say you want to lose weight. You have to do something about it. What about being Spiritually fit? Why don't we I dedicate more time to that?

A couple weeks ago, a former co-worker died. He was 27. I had the honor of working directly with him many summers ago, as well as with his wife in a more indirect way. We had kept in contact in various ways throughout the years - personally and work related. His death rattled me. A rattling I am certain I needed.

He left his wife and 2 year old son behind. He had stage 4 cancer and was diagnosed when he was 25 (my age). His life, his story and his death was and is such an inspiration to me. Not to mention his wife. Living in High Definition was there claim to fame. Their blog reached 404,000 people as of April 11. That's incredible. There story was heard but more important, His story was told because that's the life Ryan lived and the one Kendra continues to live. Humbling to say the least.

The funeral was such a beautiful celebration of God, then Ryan. A life, a story like that is inspirational. You see, Ryan was just an ordinary guy who had cancer. Ordinary guy with an extraordinary God. That's what made the difference.

I will never be a golfer or cyclist or fill in the blank. I will never be Ryan. Or inspire the way he did. But the world doesn't need another Ryan or another somebody else. God wants me to be who He created me to be. I am a very ordinary and plain person with an extraordinary God. He can use me in the areas He has me in life.

I may just be a basketball coach. I may just work at RBC. I may just teach 5th grade SS. I may just be an aunt, sister, daughter, friend. These things can seem mundane and insignificant, at times, but these are the roles of servant-hood God has called me into, for now.

How humbling it would be to be introduced or even thought of this way:

"Paul, a servant of Christ Jesus, called to be an apostle and set apart for the gospel of God..." Romans 1:1

"This letter is from Paul and Timothy, slaves of Christ Jesus..." Phil. 1:1

"Simon Peter, a servant and apostle of Jesus Christ..." 2 Peter 1:

"James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ,..." James 1:1

My goal in life is to daily train to be, a bond-servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, continually dedicating myself to the mindset of Galatians 2:20-21, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!"

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I'd highly suggest reading the blogs written on April 4, 7 and 8. Once you feel some connection with him, read what he wrote March 31st, just over a week before he died. Then read the words his wife spoke at the funeral. Her strength in the Lord is so humbling. She posted them on April 15 or even more powerful, watch her speak them. Such strength. Her speaking begins at the end of the first clip at 52 minutes and 50 seconds. Yes, the service was long but didn't feel that way at all. Honestly, the most powerful funeral I've ever been to.