May 30, 2013
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Blessed.
I haven't really written about this in the last year. I'm a pretty private person, even on my private blog. Over the past 8 months, I can tell you I've cried more than I have in the last 10 years of my life. That's not an exaggeration either. Even now I won't give all the hairy details, they aren't worth digging up and frankly, it wouldn't do any good anyway.
In late 2010 (aka December), I met this girl who I thought was friends with all my friends. To come to find out, none of them really got to know her and I decided to be intentional about getting to know her. It was a decision I made because I knew she was someone...different. Well grounded in her faith, mature, loving, caring, great sense of humor. Someone worth investing in and being friends with. I wasn't wrong. Not in the slightest.
The time spent with her and her family was a blessing. Every. single. time. My heart was constantly overwhelmed by God's love. The way she and this family displayed The Father through their daily lives was astounding to me. A gift. An example. A blessing, to say the least. I love them as family, that's the bottom line. I always will.
You see, she is a friend worth having. I love her like a sister. Like Jonathan loved David. I can tell you, I'm uncertain to how we got to this place. Truly dumbfounded. There are some things I understand and some, I probably never will. However, I have come to the point (over time) where I don't need to because the Lord is good. No, the Lord is great. Faithful. Constant. Loving. Full of grace. Whether or not I am because I can tell you, it was a time of testing. I lost my best friend. I lost her family. I'm only left wondering what I could've, should've, would've done but that doesn't do anyone any good - especially me. But I am confident He has been and is still using this for His glory, despite my understanding of the situation.
The job was hard. Basketball was hard. Juggling the weddings was hard. Funerals were hard. But nothing compared to losing this friendship (and family). There are no words for me to explain how hard that was and is to go through. You don't get a friendship like that everyday and I deeply, deeply miss them. I knew while I had it, I was overly blessed with it and undeserving. You won't ever hear me speak an ill word against her or her family. Not ever. Not a single word. I may not get what happened or understand how we're not friends anymore. I may have been hurt through it. But I love her and them much deeper than that. If the Lord ever brings her back into my life, in a heartbeat….in a heartbeat, I'd be there. No questions asked. If something were to happen to any of them. I'd be heartbroken. Devastated. I'd want to be there - even though that's not my place anymore, it's still my heart. They will always hold a special place in my heart.
After 8 very difficult months, the Lord has done a good work in me and in my heart.
A couple weeks ago, I listened to a sermon from Pastor Mark (a Pastor that used to be at West Cannon - I listen to his sermons each week). He has been going through David and the sermon was about Jonathan and David. He actually highlighted Jonathan a lot – how he was specific about initiating the friendship. In all honesty, I had kind of stopped initiating any friendships with other people (my already friends and other people). The last 8 months was a time where God really stripped me of things I loved and "securities" – close friendships and a job. I’d initiate things with my friends and people because I knew I should but for the most part, it was just an action – going through the motions. But God very obviously used that time to deepen my dependence on Him. A friend of mine reminded me the other day of how we met, how I initiated the friendship. She called it a gift and I needed that reminder as I had lost sight of it.
There are nights over others that I miss this friend a little more. Tonight we had softball practice for church. I laced up my shoes we got together on a spontaneous decision to stop at the mall on our road trip to her birthday present. From there, the good memories flooded. I have so many. There are (many) days I want to send a text or an email, just saying something funny that happened, seeing how her life is going, how I can be praying/encouraging her or even having the guts to ask to hang out but it isn't the time and I'm really not sure when it will be, if ever. (That sucks by the way. A lot.) Either way, through the pain and tears, I'm so blessed to have had that time with her and her family. So ridiculously blessed and thankful to the Giver who gives and takes away.
That's it. No conclusion. No deep insight. Just thankful and missing what once was tonight. Thank you, Father, from the bottom of my heart for those two years. I treasure them in my heart.
