This is a long one, folks.

I’m making a real friend at work and I love it. Really love it. A huge blessing out of the blue. She is in the department I may possibly be promoted to in January-ish. It would not only be with some great people but it would be my dream job. Just thinking about it is exciting. (I do enjoy the position I’m in and the people in it buuuuut it would be my dream.job. and we could TALK in that department.)

Bball starts tonight. Oh boy…here goes year 3. I am looking forward to it, it just takes a lot of time and energy. Instead of morning practices this year on BSF nights, I’m going to try to squeeze it in before BSF. We’ll see how that goes. I bring someone to and from work everyday, which is why I’m not going morning practices because it would interfere with bringing her. So Mondays will look like this and I’ll get home around 10ish when I leave at 6:30. That’s an hour and a half in the car…which is fine with me (now) but I know will be much more stressful when the roads get bad. Other nights, there isn’t BSF, so it won’t be as bad and I’ll get home around 7:30 PM.

For some reason I’m really excited for Christmas this year. I have no idea why. I’ve been listening almost full out to Christmas music since the beginning of November. Normally I’d punch people like me. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and even I’m kind of looking past that onto Christmas. No idea. why. Thank you Spotify and 105.7!

I am a wretched singer. Wretched. It’s true and I know it. I don’t ever feel comfortable singing along to a song when others are around. I sing in church and at BSF because I truly believe God doesn’t care how awful it is, He sees it as a joyful noise, even though I don’t and feel very self-conscious about how badly I sing. However, there is one place, I feel very safe to just belt it out with no care in the world and sometimes, I simply just do. My car. It doesn’t judge my inability to sing and it doesn’t care or know that I can’t hit a cord to save me life. I love that, which makes me feel very comfortable to belt.it.out. Honestly, if there was one thing I wish I could do, it would be singing. Pretty sad, huh?

I think there should be a song called “Strangers with Memories”

I love where I work. I love going to work because of the people. That’s really a new thing in my life. I love that we hang out, outside of work. It’s seriously makes going to work something very different than it was before (in any job and in this one). It really has been in the last month things have really changed with this and I seriously am bubbling over with joy about it. (This was written weeks after the first one..and I almost didn’t write it because it’s practically identical.)

An email bit from the leader of a team I’m on — a big team, where I do 95% of the leg work. “I am determined that this not be a Bethany project alone.” …haha. Ok. (I wrote this before I wrote the next one…as I reading this back, I decided to move the next one up to after this one…which will make sense in a second.)

Here’s a reason I can’t leave West Cannon (if I do) for awhile…this was just in 45 minutes time and each of those emails have a lengthy amount of things I need to do. (Yikes) I’m buried in commitments that I wouldn’t feel right leaving.

Mondays – this made me laugh.

In the last month, I’ve made the move to “doing my devotions” (not a fan of the terminology) in the morning when my mind is the most fresh. At night, I am always having a hard time concentrating. My mind is racing from all the intake throughout the day: work, social medias, blogs, conversations, etc etc etc…in the morning, I wake up and don’t even look at my phone except to turn the alarm off. At first I tried doing it in my bed…haha, who was I kidding? That’s like putting a fat kid in front of a cake, telling them not to eat it and walking away. In other words, the temptation and ease to go back to sleep is way too easy. Instead, I move to my dining room table, eat breakfast and go at it. It takes self-discipline but it truly is worth it to have real quiet time with God before anything. It actually makes me look forward to waking up, which is a weird concept to me. Not only that but then throughout the day my thoughts are more focused on my study. This is not profound but to me it kind of was, the majority of my day is spent thinking. I spend a good chunk of the day in front of a computer doing work by myself with my thoughts. I often listen to sermons, music or spend time in prayer and now thinking, contemplating on my Scripture reading is also a new and refreshing way to focus thoughts.

I turned the radio on one Saturday morning on the way to breakfast and it was a Focus on the Family about pornography. I kept listening as I know it is a real struggle for some people. I can honestly say, not ever has that been something I’d want to partake in. The thought process of what do people see in it has crossed my mind but never to secretly (or not secretly) pull it up and indulge in it. Nothing about that interests me. I thank God for that. Truly.

Godvine…kind of a dumb concept. Whatever. This is a huge reason I support this show…such great values. I really tried not to like it when I finally got on the bandwagon 3 years late.

Saving this long one for last…enjoy, if you read it.

I do a lot of emailing back and forth with students. I had one in the past weeks ask about leading a prayer group (not a typical question). I started that reply with this, “I am by no means an expert at leading prayer meetings but would love to lend some advice.” She replied thanks and the next morning I had an email asking some questions about Samson. She was telling me about a question her and her mom had and this was her last line, ” Mom told me to check the internet. Thanks.” I laughed out loud. Apparently, I am the internet. (Too funny.)

Essentially she was asking whose fault was it that Samson didn’t know better…his parents for not teaching him his role or his for not following it. I’ve not studied Samson in awhile and I appreciated the time thinking about the story as I responded. This was my response,

“When I think about digesting Scripture and trying to figure out who was at “fault” about things (if it isn’t explained in the text), I always think of John 9. I’d encourage you to read it, even if you know the story. A brief overview is a man is born blind and one of the disciples asks “who sinned, this man or the parents, that he was born blind?” Meaning someone had to have sinned for him to be born blind…think of someone born mentally handicapped, disabled etc. Jesus answers “Neither this man nor his parents sinned but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.”

Samson’s calling from birth was to begin the deliverance of Israel from Philistine oppression (Judges 13:5).When reading the account of Samson’s life and his downfall with Delilah, we might tend to think Samson wasted his life and was a failure. In all reality,Samson accomplished his God assigned mission. So much so,the New Testament doesn’t list Samson’s failures, nor his incredible acts of strength. Hebrews chapter 11 names him in the “Hall of Faith” among those who “through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised … whose weakness was turned to strength.” This proves that God can use people of faith, no matter how imperfectly they live their lives.Initially I look at Samson and his infatuation with Delilah, and consider him very gullible—stupid even. His lust for Delilah blinded him to her lies and her true nature. He wanted so badly to believe she loved him, that he repeatedly fell for her deceptive ways. After the third attempt at luring out his secret, why didn’t he catch on? How blind can you be? By the fourth enticement, he completely gave in. Why didn’t he learn? Why didn’t he know better? Why did he give into temptation and give up his treasured gift? Because Samson is just like you and me when we give ourselves over to sin. In this state, we can easily be deceived because the truth becomes impossible to see. Yet, God used him despite his fault and his parent’s faults. Personally, I think Samson did know his mandate – his parents sure did because of Judges 13:5 but whether or not it was directly said to Samson, he knew…he knew about it being “his hair” (as in God) that gave him strength, yet he screwed up – just like we do, every single day. For me, it isn’t about who was ultimately at fault but how God uses us even in our sin.” Yeah, I totally preached but was on a role.

That’s all for this crazy long edition.

1. One day Grandma out of the blue calls me up and asks if she can take me shopping. She used to take us girls shopping here and there when we were younger with no style and such. In other words – boy baggy clothes. So as an adult supporting myself, it took some humbling on my part and after some hesitation (and her convincing) I did say yes. She literally squealed. Again, so excited that I would allow her to do something for me. Are you kidding me? Grandma, you don’t know how much of a blessing this will be to me. Go shopping and I’m not spending a dime. Do you see where the guilt inner struggle is (for me)? Maybe you don’t but I try to accept other people blessing me a little faster than I would before…it really is a pride thing for me. I have a hard time letting others do things for me. Anyway, all of that to say, after we went…a week or so later she calls me up. We started talking about ArtPrize and Bethany Christian Services. At this point, my boss walks in and has something to tell me…she stands there as my grandma still on a roll, changes the topic into seeing a coat she wants me to look into finding. She saw an ad for one and thought it’d be perfect for me. “A red wool coat that will keep my legs and bunners warm.” (Remember my boss is standing there and probably can hear it.) I said sure I’ll look into it trying to hurry the conversation along. Later, I sent Grandma a link of one…a little different than the one I thought she was explaining. (I don’t like long…what I call mafia coats. They don’t look good on short people.) Her email response (go Grandma for replying) made me laugh out loud, “Perfect – Is it long enough to keep your bunners & legs warm? ” It’s exactly what she said on the phone but seeing bunners written out was a riot to me. Who says bunners?

Yes, I think it will be long enough. I have short legs and a small bunner and don’t really like really long coats.

I can order it and you can pay me back if you want. You really don’t have to buy it, you’ve already done sooo much!

Yeh – It would be a privilege to purchase you a red winter coat that covers your little “bunners” – Let me know as soon as you need it. I love you, grandma

The rest is kind of on a more serious note.

My Grandparents are getting older and they talk about their own death more frequently. I really don’t enjoy these conversations. Just thinking about one of their deaths makes tears begin to form and my heart start to hurt. It’s not good and will definitely be a hard time when one and/or both of them are gone. They’ve lived great lives. I get that but it will still be hard.

Now anytime they take a picture, Grandma’s first comment is this could be the last picture with us. That wrenches my heart. That is what she said when I handed her a framed picture of this.

I thought I wrote about this before but I can’t find it. I wrote a little here about talking with Grandpa —

This past March right before I started at RBC, I took a trip to Florida to visit my grandparents. In all honesty because I know there time is shorter and it may have been the last time I could get down there for a visit. I love sitting, talking and being with them. While in Florida, Grandma took me aside and very specifically told me, you know Grandpa and I trust you and Gabe (my brother) the most out of the grandkids. (I was a little shocked by that.) She kept going about how Grandpa just doesn’t sit and talk to anyone like he does with you and Gabe. He and I both trust you very much.

That meant a lot to me. A month or so after that, she told me some things which I knew she shouldn’t have told me as it was still on the DL about other family members. She called me up and apologized, which I told her I didn’t tell anyone. She said, I knew you wouldn’t. During ArtPrize, we were sitting at dinner and she leans over to me and says, “I haven’t told anyone this, not even Jim but can you be praying for me. I think I have cancer.” Jim is a doctor which is the first person I’d think she’d tell. Her appointment was that Friday and of course, I would pray for her. I called and checked up with her after the appointment and she almost started crying because she was amazed I prayed like I said I would and that I’d follow up. Grandma, of course I will.

I love those two – so much. My Grandma Sanderson just had surgery and the man she is married to is a complete jerk. Yes, he is my grandpa but I won’t refer to him as that. Why? Because my Grandpa Wynalda is my Grandpa. A loving, caring man who takes time to be with us, pray for us and just show us he cares. I actually told him that the other day after I was stuck in a hospital room with my dad’s dad…I told Grandpa W that the best thing my grandpa sanderson does is make me more thankful for him.

This past summer, I went back and forth about whether or not I was going to switch back to the college age/young adults class at our church. It really was a big internal struggle for me. I really believe in inter-generational classes, learning, and gleaning from each other. That was probably the greatest reason for why I didn’t move back. I will say, it was much, much…much easier to sit in the class I attend now when I had other single friends sitting with me. Now it’s just me. My brother and sister-in-law joined the class and then my parents about a year or so later. Now, I feel kind of like a child again. People make comments like why aren’t you sitting with your parents? Please do not get me wrong, I love them but I don’t want to be known as the one who comes in and sits/hides by their parents. It’s a safety net of security. Sometimes I do sit by them but I’m trying to be more.

You see, I’ve grown up at this church since a young age. I only vaguely remember the church we attended before when I was say 5 or 6. Then, of course, being in college and California I attended other churches but West Cannon has always been my home church. I had thought about not coming back after coming back from California but decided that I had no real basis for that decision. West Cannon is a place where I am known and loved. They are family. That means a lot to me. Still does and always will. I want to be clear on that.

But now that I’m, dare I say it, an older single adult. There are some days I struggle and I mean struggle to be there. When I’m singing a song or sitting in class and I want to burst into tears. Pathetic, I know. Why? I wish I could pin point it but I can’t. I wish I could clearly explain why and I can’t. It’s just this overbearing feeling, like I did something wrong by not getting married. I’m an odd one out in this family oriented church. I don’t feel right speaking up in Sunday School or going to some class events because it’s for couples. Yet, I know there are a few who are very specific about greeting me and letting me know they are glad I am there. Honestly, I appreciate that more than they know. Yet, it’s still very difficult which is why I contemplated switching classes…I could easily go to the “singles” class or go to the college class where I’d fit in and feel confident. It’d be easy to come to church on Sunday but I don’t believe I’d be as challenged (in the physical form…Biblically, I know I’d be challenged still.) but it would only continue the cycle of sectioning classes by age.

West Cannon doesn’t have older singles in the church (well not many) nor are they attracting those kind of people. We are obviously a family oriented church (which isn’t a bad thing) and are surrounded by churches who pour all their energy into “marketing” to people like me. So why not go there? Or somewhere else? Honestly, I’ve considered it and have been visiting other churches. Maybe somewhere else will fit my needs better and possibly, that’s true. I don’t look down on people that switch churches. It’s a decision that, if made, will be a difficult one. I do, however, know I can’t do it for a little bit. I have a few commitments that are made I would need to finish (probably a least a year) and hand over before making a transition. It wouldn’t be right to leave without doing that at least. It’s part of being responsible. A lot can change in a year as well and I also see the strides for change West Cannon is moving towards. I’m hopeful in them.

So, instead of feeling sorry for myself, which I know partially I am, I’m trying to put myself out there and pushing myself to be… a Kae. Kae is a good friend of mine who has this great demeanor about herself and is comfortable in almost any situation. She spews joys and happiness. Spews. It’s contagious. Very extroverted. Sometimes I find myself sitting back just watching her work the room at church or wherever. It doesn’t matter if she knows them or not, you’d think she did by the way she interacted with them. She’s just natural with people. This is not me. In fact, I’m sitting here wondering how Kae and I are friends. (Only kind of. I know why.) I’m very matter of fact, not horribly outgoing and the idea of being in groups of people I don’t know kind of stresses me out. I go to a group hangout if I know I’ll know someone. If I don’t, no thanks. I struggle with BSF/Indian Fellowship because I know I’ve got to put myself out there and engage with people I don’t really know. I do it and even enjoy interacting with people once the conversation is started but the initial putting myself into that situation stresses me out. It isn’t natural for me.

I am, however, good at being specific about things. This is something I’m trying to be specific about. Purposefully putting myself in situations and things I wouldn’t normally do (in many areas of my life). Church: Participating in the blessing buddies, going to showers (I really hate church showers), going to “classes” offered to the women (canning class) etc. In other areas of life, been going to an Indian fellowship, a trip to Chicago with them, BSF hangouts…normally I’d opt out and be perfectly fine sitting at home but I recognize the need in myself to put myself out there. It. takes. a lot. of. energy.

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.” Gandhi

Instead of changing other things about my situations, I’m choosing to start as close to home as possible. I can’t change others as much as I sometimes would like to but I can change myself. That’s where I’ll start. Maybe this will make things better and maybe it won’t. Either way, it will be a good challenge where I know the Lord will stretch and mold me.

Oh, Grandma.

Bless her heart. Seriously. She has a huge heart. I have been blessed with some grand grandparents. My Grandma and Grandpa Wynalda and my Grandma Sanderson. Not so much Grandpa Sanderson…I don’t even like calling him Grandpa but if nothing else, he makes me appreciate my Grandpa Wynalda all the more. I digress.

Most people know I had something in ArtPrize this past year. My biggest encourager by far was my Grandma. She not only financially backed the project (her and my uncle – they both realized with the confines of my affordability it would’ve been a different piece – again, huge blessing) but she also sat down there with me almost every single time I was there. She seriously insisted. It was great to spend so much time with her and grandpa sometimes as well as tag off with some people when I was simply tired or my throat was sore. All that to say and lead into some ArtPrize Grandma-ism.

1. She really wanted to purchase me an ArtPrize t-shirt and mug. She was more than excited – I mean really excited that I said she could. She knows I don’t often allow people to do things for me. I couldn’t help but snap this photo. It brings me joy inside that she did this.

2. Some time frames down at ArtPrize were busier than others. She talked about how she thought about bringing Sudoku to play but knew she shouldn’t (she REALLY likes Sudoku). I downloaded her an app of Sudoku. It really rocked her world and it was cute.

3. If you know me, follow this blog every so often you’ll know my Grandma is very determined to see me married. Again, bless her heart. I truly mean this, I’m so grateful for the way she prays daily for a spouse for me. I don’t commit it to prayer like she does. One day some people from church came up – my cousin’s boyfriend and his friend/my friend (who goes to West Cannon). We chatted, nothing special and after they left and I’m shocked Grandma held her cool to say something until then. She non-chalantly says “I was trying to see if there was anything between you two.” I paused for a second…”Oh between Brian and I?” (Not a thought that had ever crossed my mind until that moment.) “I don’t think that would ever happen.” Then she went on about how good of a guy he is…which is very true. Anyway, the next day he posted a picture of the piece from one angle and the other angle showing both sides with this posted under it, ” A child inside the womb is no different than a child outside the womb. I’m not sure how you can argue with that.” Which is the entire idea of the piece…just said differently. Anyway, grandma saw it and ate it up. I mean ate it up. SO much so that every time a person came to see it or she was talking about it she mentioned it and misquoted it everytime – it was awesome.  I’m almost sure she liked it better than the actual piece. She had me get the picture from him that he posted and put his saying under it. I told her, I could take the exact pictures and probably better without a glare and she said no…she wanted his. haha. Ok. So I did it and printed it twice for her…why wouldn’t she frame them…

And Brian is still on the radar for her for me…at least he’s single. That’s a step up from others she has tried to set me up with in the past.

(I have another Grandma-ism in the works…just wanted to split them up a little.)

This was interesting to me.

Our boss came in to work and told us about these next two things.
1) P.I.C.N.I.C. = Problem in chair not in computer
2) Change student passwords to “ID10T”

Who knew Ron Swanson could “lend some advice” that was relevant to my life? I have been pretty frustrated with the girls I coach – just feeling that in the past 2 years, I’ve not made any progress and it has been frustrating. Ron gave some advice to Leslie as she was down about Pawnie not “thanking” her. I’ve been wanting to fight their immaturity with immaturity.

Leslie: “Pawnie has really been pissing me off lately.”
Ron: “You are the adult here. When your kid screams, I hate you, you don’t sync to his level and yell I hate you back. You have to be the grown up.”
Leslie: “You’re right, I know, I have to be the grown up. (insert some whining) But it’s so hard and no one ever thanks you.
Ron: You choose a thankless job. You can’t be upset when no one thanks you.

That’s pretty much it and that stuck. The point drove home for me.

This meant a lot to little ole me. We do a great job at being sarcastic but we seem to have “moments” here and there, when appropriate.

You know those people that wash their hands then use paper towel to exit the bathroom? I’m not one of those people but I just had a thought. Shouldn’t, in all reality, the bathroom exit door be one of the cleanest? It’s after you go to the bathroom and wash your hands that you exit the bathroom. I get it, though, not everyone washes their hands. To you people, seriously. This new trend to put a trash can next to the door that you can drop your paper towel in is kind of silly to me. Even more ridiculous to me when you miss.

Another Indian group email misusing. No, I don’t want to be added to different email lists! Thank.You.Very.Much.

“Convenience”, “recipe” and “receipt” are all words I need to stop and think about before writing/typing them out and spelling them correctly. It irritates me every time that they aren’t natural words for me to spell.

This is gonna be really shallow but seriously, I really love DVR and not watching shows on the internet anymore. You can set series to record, fast forward through commercials, rewind. I actually feel better about watching tv because I’m not spending as much time watching. You can pause live tv…so instead of trying to quick run and do it during commercial or quickly while the show is on to grab something to eat…pssh, forget that. Pause. Sometimes I forget and still find myself hustling or watching commercials then the light bulb goes on. I told you, shallow but it’s a whole new world to me and to be “in control” of the television. #mindblown

Sometimes I still feel like a child. I got an email from a coworker…more friend (she is the one that heads up the Indian group) with the subject title “We need to talk….” and the body of the email was “Let me know when….” Why does that still make me feel nervous like I’m in trouble? Seriously people…if it isn’t anything “bad” just say we need to talk about and say WHAT.

Came across this and it’s sad but true. Just be real with people, people.

Joey’s birthday was yesterday. He is always stealing my glasses and saying, “I’m a Boppy and you’re a Doey!” (And always smudging them up but I love it.)

For his birthday I got him non-prescription glasses that match mine. He kind of sort of loved them. At first he just thought they were mine, they I showed them I had mine. He put his face up against mine to show me how they match. Cutest kid, ever. I know I’m bias but seriously, his voice – his lisp, so adorable.

(Delayed annual birthday post. Really delayed.)

Starting off year 25 was great! It was the first birthday I had to work like a real adult but was blessed to see and be with people that meant the most to me. I was going to spend lunch by myself but instead was welcomed by the Strayhorns (Ali and Mrs. …Anna was at work but came to my house after work) for lunch then headed home to a bonfire with my family. I couldn’t have asked for a better day. I genuinely mean that.

The day ended and life began to unravel….almost immediately. For some reason I had high expectations that year 25 would be special and I really have no idea why that is but I can tell you, it was difficult.

October, November, December were really hard. In the midst of busyness with basketball, I was the MOH in Emily’s wedding and pretty involved with Bethany’s wedding, as well as quitting my job with all that went along with that and the hardest part was losing a great friend (not by death). All in 3 months. Suffice to say 25 was off to a very challenging start.

It was a time where God really stripped me of things I loved and valued. I spent more nights crying myself to sleep than I can count. I cried more in the first 8 months of being 25 then I have in the last 10 years. But God used that time to further my dependence on Him. I was deeply hurt by someone I still love greatly and needed to forgive, even though she wasn’t asking. That was hard. Humbling. Mike Wittmer said it well at the last night of Forum (even though I had forgiven already, it resonated with me). “You’re going through life and things are well, then someone you love comes along and hurts you. Then all of a sudden you have a dilemma on your hands, now you have a spiritual battle within and you have to forgive to release yourself from the hurt that was unjustly caused to you. That’s the hardest part about being a Christian. It sucks. It may take years to fully forgive someone for the hurt they have bestowed upon you. But we have not been as hurts as we hurt Jesus and He forgave us. Not forgiving is not an option.” Hit the nail on the head, if I do say so myself.

This was a very difficult year. You know what happens in a difficult year? You grow, you mature, you’re refined. So it wasn’t the “special” year I envisioned but it was a significant year in my life. My biggest prayer was this: Lord, allow my faith to define my circumstances and not my circumstances my faith. And to learn contentment in the way Paul did.

I can’t say I always succeeded but the Lord is good – Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow. That, my friends, is Enough. The rest the Lord gives us are simply blessings. We don’t deserve them and when and if He takes them away, we need to realize that they were His in the first place. I feel like I should say more, clarify more but at the same time, I don’t. It simply isn’t necessary.

Some years highlights.

Took a concealed weapons class with my mom, grandma and aunt. (October)
Zac Brown Band with Connie, Jillian and Lydia (November)
Carrie Underwood and Hunter Hayes with Alexa (November)
Basketball year 2. (Nov-March)
MOH for Emily. (December)
Quit my job. (December)
Picked up skiing for the first time in 9 years (December)
Gave myself as a present to Joey (December)
Got a ring from Uncle Jim (January)
Long story – my ring I wore for 8 years broke in two a couple years ago and I’ve been trying to find something similar to it but I got it in Bolivia. My uncle was going to India and said he’d look. He came back with one that wasn’t really like it but it’s a nice, simple one that I like.
Visited G&G in Florida (March 4-8)
Started working at RBC (March 11)
3 funerals – Ryan – Scott – Glenna (April 6-May 25)
Had a crazy summer! http://frozenpenguin32.xanga.com/774389521/a-small-hernia/
Entered into ArtPrize 2013. http://frozenpenguin32.xanga.com/773886037/networking/
Moved out Sept. 13 (right before turning 26)…and installed ArtPrize on Sept. 14. That was crazy…insane. The last 2 weeks have been insane.

Year 25 is in the past. (Thank goodness.) Onward 26.

Yesterday I was sitting at my venue before things got busy doing BSF. One of the questions had 1 Corinthians 1:18-31 as part of the reading. I read it once then I really read it.I’ll only put 28-31 below in hopes that anyone reading this, at least, reads that much.

28 God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, 29 so that no one may boast before him.30 It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. 31 Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.”[b]

I updated my facebook status to this:
“I’m so overwhelmed, humbled and blessed by all of your comments, likes and sharing. I’ve been trying to think how to portray my thoughts and came across 1 Corinthians 1:28-31 in my study this week (no coincident at all). I couldn’t have said it better. “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.” (vs 31) My history and “IMAGE” is ALL His and He is the only One that should get glory. “I will not boast in anything, no gifts, no power, no wisdom BUT I will boast in Jesus Christ, His death and resurrection.” I am a sinner who is humbled and unworthy to be used and chosen by Him.”

I remember reading these verses and them being meaningful to me in a different part of life as well. So I “searched” it. I’m so thankful I posted that for my reference (years ago) to be able to look back at it now, seeing how the Lord uses Scripture at different times in life. I absolutely love how the Word is living AND active.

But truly and honestly, what an overwhelming joy it is to be used by Him. To watch complete strangers (yes, I creepishly stand back and take pictures, sometimes) marvel over something the Lord enabled.

I’m so unworthy. I can’t even keep track of how many times things about “IMAGE” have been shared, liked and commented on just within my own facebook. Add other blogs that have been only posted for 2 days and have 4,000 shares! Never in a millions years would I have expected that kind of response.

Yet, I’m a sinner saved by His Grace being used as His vessel. He can use anyone, anytime, anywhere for His glory. Matthew has actually already been a good example of that. Him in and of himself, as the writer of Matthew, as well as Mary and Joseph.

Wednesday when I posted, I was exhausted in every way. My prayer as I headed to ArtPrize was that the Lord gives me energy to engage conversation. He did that and so much more. He has given me energy, blessings and encouragement along the way. I’m simply humbled.

This is how I feel but don’t really have the time to be. I walked into work this morning and my house (by house…I mean boss) asked if I needed to take a vacation day? haha, apparently it’s showing.

After this crazy busy summer, I thought, lets add some more craziness to my life. Like, lets move out the day before your birthday and install ArtPrize on your birthday (plus go to breakfast with dad, lunch with Grandma and Grandpa, a friend’s house dedication and a bonfire with family). Then Sunday had church, lunch with the parents, 2 ….yes, 2 meetings before evening service then an ArtPrize artist thing at The Bob after church, Monday BSF, Tuesday after work, I had 45 minutes to kill, so I went to Meijer to get the cleaning supply list, then dinner with a friend from HS, his wife and his parents (it was sooo great to see/talk with all of them), left there later than I expected…arrived at Meijer at 9 PM and there went the night. Left there around 10:30. It would’ve been much later, seeing how I was stuck doing my own checking out process but the guy working there was really nice and helped bag all of it. I considered that a blessing. A huge one, actually. Home by 10:50. 7 trips and 13 minutes and 26 seconds later, I had the groceries in the apartment.

I documented some things for remembering sake, since this will hopefully be the last time I have to start from complete scratch.

This is what I was living off for 4.5 days plus leftovers from out to eat Saturday lunch and out to eat Sunday lunch. The pasta salad was a gift from one of the people that helped me move in. She knows I love hers when she makes it and honestly, without it, I would’ve been in trouble.

(ugh, don’t know how to rotate pictures in WP and too tired to figure it out, sorry)

Round 1 of shopping on Tuesday for cleaning supplies etc (aka, things that could stay in the car and not go bad).

Round 2 started off well…almost like I was going to be a vegetarian. I am excited to have the control of what is in my place to eat, cooking and things.

However, if I knew it was going to get this ridiculous. I wouldn’t have started with the fresh product at the beginning. I literally walked up and down every aisle. Did I mention, I had nothing?

You know those ideas you have and then half way through, you think this was stupid but you’re half way through, so you finish anyway. That’s how I felt at 11:30 PM last night…seeing how I still had to put it all away. For some reason, I wanted to document what all of it unpacked looked like. #badlifedecision

Here’s a picture of the receipts….the extra long one is the food one. Cray Cray! Never again.

The damage was this and believe me, I cringed.

First trip: $150.65
Second trip: $396.83
Then HAD to get gas afterwards, I had already been driving which was kind of the nail in the coffin: $57.30

Total in one night.
$604.78

I hate spending money (on me) but knew it had to happen. I didn’t “shop around” and “coupon” at all because in all honesty, I didn’t have the time. Maybe in the future but for now…that was the damage. I had specific ingredients for some recipes I wanted to make but it was just too confusing to try to do that as well as just generally shop. So that’s on hold. It’s just shocking to me all the stuff that is needed and I know there are still other things on my list. #notime I can see now how this all is easier if I just got married. Registering and showers plus wedding gifts would’ve lessened a lot of this blow on the wallet (all this stuff plus furniture and…the list goes on). Oh well, you can’t win them all and I’m very content with where I am.

I digress. Once all these initial costs are out of the way, things should smooth out. For now, I’m exhausted. I seriously do not know what I was thinking. Moving, ArtPrize, Birthday…amongst life (BSF, church stuff)…that won’t happen again. I have a ridiculous amount of things to do for church in my inbox, which honestly just have to be put on hold for right now…or I’ll end up forgetting to put on a bra . Bring on the rest of this week and ArtPrize.

I stumbled upon this post via facebook and I actually really enjoyed it. Almost to the point that I’d share it on my facebook but I’m probably not going to. There were some things I would add and omit. My version of the original is below, see the above link for the original.
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“What’s Next?”
My brothers (well, can’t really speak to my eldest brother, so I’ll leave him out of this all together) recently had their last child which will more than likely complete their families. He’s older than me, so it makes sense that he’s at a different stage. He met and married his wife , they had kids, bought a dog and some chickens, all in a nice sequence, then they moved next door to my parents. I love watching them build their lives together. Since they’ve been married, I can honestly tell you, I’ve wanted a relationship like they have. It’s a really good thing.

But now? I’m 26 years old, unmarried, and childless. The comments are continuing…

“What’s next?”
“When are you getting married?”
“Babies look good on you!”
“Better get started!”
“You can’t play hard to get forever!”

I shouldn’t be overly concerned with what they’re saying and most of the time, I’m not. They’re only teasing or encouraging me with the next step in my life. It’s harmless and I know they want the best for me! No one means anything by it, it’s just time for me to be heading in the same direction as my peers. It makes sense. I get it and I feel it.

Believe me, I am fully aware that I am unmarried and childless. I’m aware that I’m getting older. For the first time, as I turn 26, I actually feel older. I’ve been aware that I haven’t followed the same patterns as my parents or my brother or many of my peers. I’m aware that my biological clock is ticking. I’m aware.

So when you — friends, family, acquaintances — remind me that I’m far behind where one would expect to be at my age, it makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong. I feel like I’m letting you down or making some horrible mistake.

Instead of relishing in the freedom, blessings and “limitless” possibilities that this stage of life offers me, I am left wondering if what I’m doing is worth anything. Like what I’ve done doesn’t really matter or what I’ve accomplished has no merit. Or who I’m impacting doesn’t really matter. When you comment on my life stage as if there was something I could do to change it, it makes me feel like I should try, as if that would help.

What if my ultimate goal has nothing to do with marriage or kids? What if my aim was to love people well, and to fully embrace the gifts God has given me to serve Him? Would that be enough? What if my life goal was to simply run the race, to be called a good and faithful servant at the end of it all? Maybe that would mean marriage and children along the way or a thriving career, but maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe the best the Lord has for me is not marriage or a thriving career. Please know, I really do want it but maybe He has something else in store for me? If His plan for me is not getting married, then do I go about the rest of my life as if I missed out on something and always hoping. Have I failed and not reached the best if I never marry? I don’t think so but it sure feels like that sometimes. You see, for me, it isn’t a spouse that completes me nor should it ever be.

Christ is the source of everything we need and the Giver of all good gifts … but in telling people about Him, it’s possible we’ve sold them on a solution for life’s problems and not life itself.

What if we learned early on that having Him was everything, not a means to the life we think He would want us to have. If we had learned we don’t abstain from sex because we’re “waiting.” We abstain because we love Him.

When you ask when I’m getting married, I don’t have an answer for you. When you hint at me having kids, it takes self-control to continue to be content with where the Lord has me. When you ask these questions, it doesn’t help me grow. It doesn’t help me feel content. It does more damage than you may realize. You see, just as being in a relationship can be hard, sometimes being single can be really hard, too. Being a single within the church is difficult, not always, but sometimes it’s really hard. I know you’re just trying to make conversation or small talk, or maybe you’re genuinely interested in my life. For that, I’m very appreciative.

I would like to suggest one thing, though: instead of asking me what’s next, ask me what’s now. Ask me what God is teaching me, ask me what I’m struggling with, what brings me joy, or how I’m serving God. I am learning, I am growing, and I am happy. I would love to tell you all about it. Talking about what I don’t have or even foresee having does me little to no good.

I am 26 years old. I don’t have a husband. I don’t have children. I don’t have a career. I don’t have what people expect I should have, but I am abundantly blessed with absurd, exhilarating, and fantastic things I would have never dreamed up on my own and if I were married. His plan is far better than my plan and my prayer is that they are hand in hand.

“Take delight in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” He will give us the desires of our heart…a spouse, house…mouse (got on a rhyming phase). If we really take delight in the LORD the desire of our hearts becomes Him and not materialistic items or people. Take that ChristianMingle and your out of context verse you casually use as a slogan.

So please, my dear friends, don’t ask me what’s next because I don’t know. I’m simply trusting His plan. Ask me what’s now, I can answer that.

If you’ve been out in public at all, you see people as they seem. It’s often rare to see people as they are, not just as they seem. Yet can appreciate how refreshing it is to meet someone who is truly as they seem to be. Shallowness is everywhere you look. Everywhere. Truly. Sometimes it feels like life is a giant masquerade. Putting on a mask and relating to people who are perpetually living in disguise is wearisome. You don’ t need examples. You understand this just as well as I do. Why? Because I tend to be one of them navigating through life as well.

I often say things like, “I don’t want to lose it.” Why? Where in the Bible does it say thou shalt not lose it? There are a lot of people in Scripture that do. “I don’t want to be emotional.” Where does it say thou shalt not be an emotional? Have you read Scripture? My ultimate favorite, “I don’t want to burden other people.” What I’m ultimately doing is not allowing other people to know or love me but it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard. I’ve never been good at being vulnerable and I like to appear to have it together even when I might not, like I’m doing the world a service or something. On the flip side,as much as I know that about myself, I simply enjoy listening. Often, I am not purposefully ignoring conversation about me. I know about me, I don’t need to hear myself talk about a subject I know all too well. I want to be there and to listen for the other person. That’s what is natural to me.

All growing up, the adults I looked up to most were the ones I respected for who they were as an adult, yet were still a kid at heart. Someone I could enjoy being around but also genuinely enjoyed being around me. A kids knows the difference. Sometimes, I wish I could be that physical kid again, but without the awkwardness and having to go through all those stages again. I wrote about that here, actually.

The same goes for my older friends. Sometimes I really hate the fact that my wisdom and understanding is handicapped by limited years of experience. I simply expect myself to know everything today that the adults in my life know at their current age. I try to convince the world I’ve got it all figured out, when I don’t. I’ve never had a good poker face. Seriously, I grin like an idiot when I have something good.

Esse Quam Videri. To be, rather than to seem to be.

With another year on the horizon, I’m deciding to leave the masquerade. I want to be, rather than to seem to be. I want to commit this year to acting as if and relating as if this IS my last year. I want to leave well, in every area of my life, even before I know I’m leaving.

In reality we should daily prepare to leave well, even if we don’t know we are leaving. I know looking back on my life that there were many situations I did not leave well. I simply do not want this said about me. I’m not yet at the age where I’m ashamed to say my actual age. Today, I turn 26. When purchasing something the other day, I was asked if I’m going off to college? I know I look young and this probably will always be the case but I’m told someday I will appreciate that. I don’t see that in the nearby future.

I like to think I am still somewhat young. Ask my grandparents and they would say I’m just beginning. Ask my basketball team and they hope they aren’t as old as me and still not married. It’s all about perspective. The reality is this. Today, tomorrow, 5 to who knows how many years could be my last day or moment. I may just be beginning but I also may not be.

I want to embrace the hurts , habits, and hang-ups that make me, me and believe who I am today is not the finished product. That “He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion.” (Philippians 1:6). My identity, value and worth is set by the Creator. No one else.

Every ending is a new beginning. Here’s to seeing what road year 26 travels.