Why not go for a 5th post in a row?

Gah. This month has simply been rough. And some of last month, too - referring mostly to my car.

Rough with basketball - not just that blog but other things as well, busy schedule, wedding things every weekend, friend stuff. And added this week...work. Again this morning, I almost quit. I think I've officially decided I'm going to start looking for another job. I just can't do it anymore and it takes a lot for me to reach my throw in the towel point. I've reached it and it has only been by the grace of God that I didn't quit Wednesday,Thursday and especially today. 

I got out of work to head to practice and I ran out of gas. You know that moment where you just have to laugh to keep from crying? Honestly though, I did find the humor in it - I said out loud in my car alone, that just happened.

Thankfully though, it's 9:30 and I'm officially done with responsibilities until December starts. Here's hoping it doesn't resemble November. And even if it does, I am genuinely thankful for His joy. Honestly, it's not that often I consistently have horrible days but even in them and times of trial, I can be so thankful I serve God and my everlasting Hope is in Him. Nothing is more comforting to me. 

James 1:2-4

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I'm thankful He cares enough to test me and to continue refining my faith in Him. That's a loving God who cares about His children. 

With those thoughts, bring on December. 

I don’t have my speech for Heather’s wedding and kind of wish I did. Not that I think I’ll be in line for any more MOH positions in my life but I like to keep track of these kind of things. I just went through and put some things in bold, just to help with emphasis on reading it. No, I didn’t have the words “pause” in the speech. Believe it or not, I naturally knew where to pause for mostly-humor-sake. For the most part, I had it down pat but there were a couple parts I wanted to be specific about saying it exactly as I had written it. You may understand why.

Her dad sent me this message a couple days after the wedding, "Bethany. Those videos -- are amazing. We're collecting some memory things we want to hang onto from the wedding. I LOVED your remarks at the reception -- if you still have what you wrote, I would love to have it (or a copy) to put with our stuff" and I was amazed by the amount of people who came up to me afterwards specifically to say they liked the speech. My hope is that is met the expectations Emily had for it and I hope it honored her appropriately. 

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I’m Bethany Sanderson the maid in this wedding. (pause) Emily and I met when she was a freshman in HS and I was a senior. 6 years ago. She thought my bright orange shoes were cool and wanted to be my friend. I had room for more friends at the time, so we agreed upon a mutual friendship. (pause) Well the shoe part is true.

I went to HS with the Mains and Debbie Rogers who invited a group of us from Algoma to second Sundays and other events at the church. Somewhere in there, the rest of the Algoma group faded out and I remained friends with the group. Believe it or not, Emily didn't find me on Craigslist (pause) - a joke we've recently started because explaining how we actually met was more confusing.

Mine and Emily’s friendship really began through emailing and even then, I don't know how that began. She was littleemmers2 and I was frozenpenguin32. Emily would have a life altering issue, come to me for advice and I’d lend my all knowing wisdom as an 18 year old. (pause) Yeah. I shutter to think of what “advice” I may have given.

We’ve been told on numerous occasions we might as well be sisters – probably because of how often we get or got in physical fights, rolling on the ground, biting, fist fights (pause)  not because we were mad at each other, simply because we could. Thankfully, we've since matured in email addresses, advice and fighting.

We have a friendship unlike no other and I know everyone says that but really, we do. It's not unusual in the “Oh Emily is the best friend in the entire world, she's always there for me and doing special things for me kind of friendship.” Believe me, I wish that was true. (pause) Ever since Emily got down on one knee and asked me to be her maid, I've been wracking my brain to figure out how one explains our friendship. It finally came in an email thread about a month ago, I told her I’ve been growing my hair out for the wedding and how the length of my hair coincides with my love for her and she responded with this, “the length of my toe nails are directly proportionate to my love for you... (I said dot dot dot) one of my toe nails fell off last week.” (pause) I literally laughed out loud as I read that, I thought, this is why we're friends.

It wasn’t until the shower and bach. party where it really hit me and I was incredibly humbled by the fact that Emily would choose me to stand so closely to her on this day. There’s something about seeing so many people in one room, like today, who have loved Emily (and Carl) in different ways throughout the years. (I began reading here because I wanted to make sure I said it correctly.) Over the past 6 years, issues in our lives have become more relevant and Emily has continued to entrust me with her heart and it has been an honor to see her grow in her walk with the Lord from a freshman in HS to a woman after God’s own heart, who seeks to know Him and His truth which in turn is poured out in her life to other people. (stopped reading)

One of the biggest thing over the years Emily has emailed, called and cried over is her relationships –specifically dating ones. She has wanted to be married long before she knew Carl would be her husband. But it was early on in their relationship, I knew Carl would be the man Emily would marry because he stood apart from the many other crushes and likes in her life. He was a man that sought after God before anything else.

And Emily as much as I know you love him, remember a couple things as you continue on. He is not God nor can he be. He is imperfect and human. Don’t expect him to read your mind, fill all of your hearts desires, or be the answer to all of your prayers. That is entirely TOO much pressure to put on a person. (started reading again) In your best moments you can not love each other as well as Christ has loved you on your worst days. All your best times will be mere shadows of the glory that will be revealed in Christ. Enjoy them and enjoy each other, and in these moments you will see the grace of God and find his mercy. Find your delight in God, and this frees you to find more delight in your marriage and the people you serve. (stopped reading)

Emily and Carl, I'm overjoyed for the you both and so thankful God has answered these prayers and look forward to see how God will use you as a couple! Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Wellborn! (this ending part was lengthened…I can’t quite remember what I said but I know I said more than what I had planned.)

…at work.

March 31, 2012 was the last time I cried.

If today would’ve been a normal kind of work day it would’ve been fine and suppressing my other emotions would have been doable…for another day at least. But lucky me, my boss came in quite vindictive about everything…work…his personal life. I’m telling you I was seconds from saying, “I quit” at 7:35 this morning. I was literally saved by a phone call (from his daughter who only made him more angry).

It was 1:30 pm when I got another vindictive email – 1 of many throughout the day that finally brought me to my breaking point.

So I began to cry. Not the bawling, huffing and puffing kind. I don’t usually do that anyway. Just tears streaming down my face and a strong sniffle every so often kind.

I cried about work. about basketball. about Anna. about my grandparents. about life.

About how thankful I was that my nephew called me today.

It lasted about 5 minutes. Then I sucked it up and became an adult again.

Thank you Lord that even after today, I can have joy and that tomorrow is another day where Your mercies are new, again.

(Disclaimer: The below is just a bunch of wedding recap.)

I'm well on my way. jk. Just dress number 5. People think I've been in a lot more due to photographing and video taping them as well as all my other involvement. I like to joke the only role in a wedding I haven't played is being the bride. Ha. Anyway, maybe 5 isn't a lot but it amazes me that so many of my friends are married, some with kids or are pregnant now and I have yet to actually date. That wasn't a pity statement, just a fact. Anyway, bridesmaid 5 times over and MOH round 2. I know I've said it before and will say it again, for me, it's such an honor to be in a wedding. Such an honor for someone to ask you to stand with them on a day most look forward to since a young age and one that will be remembered and celebrated for the rest of their life. Maybe I put such high standards on it because I know when it comes to choosing the ones standing by me; it won't be a light decision. It's because you were a real, genuine friend and I want to honor them in such a way. Consider me a sap, I don't care. It’s a meaningful decision.

Despite being asked multiple times to be in friend's wedding, I never feel worthy enough to be there. Out of all the people in these people’s lives, they’ve chosen me to stand next to them.

Emily and I have had a unique friendship, which I just realized I’ve already written about here, so I won’t reiterate it.

The morning started out like this. I literally cracked up. Who does that on their wedding day?

I rarely to never get nervous. That’s just not my personality. Except for, and it really hit me during this wedding, when I have attention on me. You see, I love doing all the behind the scenes work which is why I absolutely loved behind the backstage manager in highschool plays, filming and photographing things, soundboard etc. I like to be part of things that don’t directly point back to me. The position that needs to be there but unless someone actually thinks about it doesn’t get much recognition. That’s perfection to me. Center stage is not my thing. Don’t get me wrong, I still appreciate the ever-so-often thank you – recognition (as I think most do).

Then there are weddings. A pretty public display of thank you, which is a great honor which is definitely appreciated from my end but it’s still attention. This wedding in particular, I felt I had a little more than normal. They really separated the maid of honor/best man from the rest of the pack at the wedding and the reception.

At the wedding, we were standing alone on the stage with them as the rest of the bridal party was on the ground. This seriously made me nervous. At one point, they discussed having the bridesmaids walk down alone and have the groomsmen walk in with the groom from a side door. I don’t normally speak up about things. I did for that. Please don’t make me walk down by myself.

(From the angle you can see how set apart the best man is from the rest of them. If you can see it...looks kind of small.)

At the reception, the stage wasn’t big enough for everyone to be on it. So Emily had the just the maid of honor and best man up there. Thankfully during the dances and such, the best man came over and sat by me, so it wasn’t weird with us both sitting alone on opposite sides.

(You can see the table on the ground where the bridesmaids were and there was another one on the other side for the groomsmen.)

And the speech. Oh just 260 people listening to you talk. I don’t do group talking (especially like that) about 100% of the time. I just hate it except for this kind of speech giving. I was still a little nervous but there’s something about being given the opportunity to talk highly about someone else that I’ll jump on board. Unlike the last wedding I was the MOH, I really didn’t know anyone but her family and some of the bridal party. I wasn’t nervous at all. This one got me a little because I knew quite a bit of the people and they knew me. I like to think I'm a naturally funny person but writing a speech and planning to be funny is not my thing. Especially when you're expected to be funny because you're naturally funny. I didn’t want to be that speech where people say, "oh that's too bad, she's normally funny. She tried too hard." So how do I try to be funny by planning ahead while making it look like I didn't try too hard? STRESS. haha, yeah, I tried to make that sound as dramatic as possible.

I know that was one thing Emily reiterated over and over again from the moment she asked me to be her MOH that she was looking forward to. In other words, don’t screw it up. Jk. I know she would’ve been pleased with anything I said and giving a speech isn’t something I take lightly.

I’m kind of sad over the wedding – happy to have “extra” time again. Not sad in the jealous that she got married before I did kind of sad – not at all – I truly couldn’t be happier for her.  I’ve just really enjoyed spending time with her (even though it has been wedding involved) and now she’s off to Detroit. I know it isn’t the end to a friendship but it’s definitely a change. I will tell you, almost nothing does my heart more good then seeing a beloved friend become one with a man after God’s own heart. Truly and honestly, I pray this for my single friends (male and female) and myself to find a spouse that loves the Lord above all else. Emily has found that, not that he’s perfect by any means (nor is Emily) but he’s a man that will lead them in their relationship to honor and serve the Lord.

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To end this rambling post – the professional pictures that have made it on facebook plus a link to more pictures. Yeah, that’s right – I found this sweet app that people can upload photos to that they take from their phones. I also set them up with a shutterfly for people to upload photos for them to get as well. Here are links to 2 of 4 videos I did for said wedding, which were huge hits. It's always fun to watch other people watch the videos you make to see how they come off. This one was shown before the ceremony began and this one was shown after the ceremony ended.

I wasn't able to sneek in very many faces but when I did, they were successful. Holla. 

Last two weeks in review. Work is a given each day. I'm now back to my normal busy schedule. More update posts to come.

Monday: Worked 7:30-4:15 (no lunch break), practice (5-7), development meeting (7-8:30) , drove a player home, home by 9:30 ate string cheese for dinner, devos and bed by 10ish.

Tuesday – 4 am alarm, 5:15 left picked up 2 players, 6-7:20 Practice, Off to work, 8-5 (no lunch break), worked on wedding video in between work and BSF, BSF (7-getting home at 10:30). I left in the morning when everyone was sleeping and arrived home when everyone was sleeping. I got home to a message from a player. I replied we’d talk Thursday at practice. I messaged another coach for advice.

Wednesday - I promised Gabey a date, which I almost cancelled but he called in the morning confirming. He had been looking forward to it since I mentioned it. We went bowling per his request, dinner and to Meijer. Got home, the boys were sleeping over – so I spent some time with them The coach I asked for advice from replied so I replied back..sending it to the player instead. Huge fail. Emily called and we chatted wedding, worked on wedding video and devos the remainder of the night.

The below how I felt.

Thursday – Work was just rough as I had basketball on my mind. Practice, which most of it was spent talking/being bashed by said player while trying to still oversee the other players. Ugh. Straight to pick up Alexa (one of my players) for the Hunter Hayes/Carrie Underwood concert. She got tickets for her birthday and asked to take me. Actually got home at a “decent” time – did some devos, hit the hay.

Friday – Wedding Prep for the wedding Nov 24 with Emily.

Saturday – practice , wedding, small reception, baby shower, wedding reception, then picked up a player who was going through something and needed to chat it out - home by 11. LONG day. (here’s the map of that day...3 hours and 20 minutes, just in travel.)

Sunday – Skipped church due to already skipping SS due to taking pictures of Beka's side of the family (the whole family), I did devos and got some things done around the disaster I call my room, pictures, then Sanderson Thanksgiving in which I struggled to function (just ridiculously tired), they left around 8:30 and I got started on wedding things.

Monday -  Away Scrimmage, worked on video, started getting sick.

Tuesday - Morning practice, Tuesday long day at work trying to concentrate - you know that feeling where your brain just can't retain information, worked on video between work and BSF, BSF

Wednesday - picked up dress, took some preggo couple pics, pedicure, eyebrow waxing -- they had friends do pedicures/manicures Friday but I have a feet thing (as in, I don't like them) and feel a billion times more comfortable letting asian women do it over someone I actually know. They can give me a manicure - that's whatever and my brows turn into hairy man brows if I let them. And I despise, despise tweezing. I turn into a 2 year old if I try it or let someone else do it. Seriously, wax it off in a couple strips and I'm good to go. Pluck one hair and I may punch you in the face. Then I went home - Wednesday is my Joey night - spent time with him, put some finishing touches on 1 of 4 videos.

Thursday - 8-2:30 worked on wedding videos, Thanksgiving with the Wynalda side 3-6:30, pre-wedding set up 7-11:30, home by 11:45 finalized wedding video DVD - bed by 1 am.

Friday - Up at 5 AM to leave the house at 5:30, mom really wanted me to go to JcPenny with her. Breakfast with mom and Lydia, Skyped with Lisa for a couple minutes for her bday, helped grandma with her printer, set up began at 11:30, Rehearsal, nails with the girls - home by 11:30 , finished speech

Saturday - wedding all day - internal alarm clock 5:15 am, made some changes to one of the videos, reburned, printed/practiced speech and off to the start the day. Home by 10:30, showered, bed by 11:15 - took some NyQuil and didn't set an alarm. I was exhausted to say the least.

Sunday - CRASH. jk. The beginning of a normal busy schedule again. Instead of a psycho busy one. Slept till 9:30, cleaned my car/room, met Cogswell family for lunch, came home, slept, nursery, home and slept. 

I've had this written for a couple weeks (no shocker) and decided it could make a good "Thanksgiving" post with a little tweaking.

I may or may not be one of the only people, at least my age, that sits down on a regular basis and puts pen to paper. This is on my mind, mostly because I ran out of stamps recently and like an old lady purchased a roll of 100 the other day because I'll use them.

This isn’t something new to me, I’ve actually always been like this. Through HS as the President of my (small) class, I made it a point to write a letter weekly to one classmate. Every 10-11 weeks, they’d get another one. In college, I made 2 old lady friends who only knew letter writing and we are still pen pals. Perfect. Also, somewhere in college, not even sure how it began (maybe after I left and she was still at SAU) , a friend and I started writing back and forth (letters would get to be 6+ pages ). We’ve since stopped and ran with the punches of the time but I sure enjoyed that. And even now, I still try to make it a point to drop a letter in the mail every couple of weeks, if not every week, to someone who is on my mind. 

I love receiving letters. Maybe I put too much worth in them but the idea that someone sat down and took the time to write out their thoughts in a less than convenient way, means a lot. I’d like to others think like I do but even if they don’t, I’m not sure I care because it’s something I enjoy doing. 

A couple months ago, I sent a letter I had been thinking of writing for awhile – a long while, probably years, to be honest. I finally sat down and wrote a thank you letter. 14 years after the fact.

 Here’s the content of that letter.

“I’m only about 14 years behind on writing this, which certainly makes me feel old and probably you as well. I knew what I’m about to write 14 years ago and have only continued to grow in my gratitude. In my time at Algoma, there were a couple people that stood out to me in ways mere words cannot describe. Even as the rambunctious 5^th grader I was, I knew you were a teacher who went beyond her job description. I may not remember anything specific you taught me and to be honest, I really don’t. But a child, a person, knows when someone genuinely cares. This was something I will always appreciate about my 5^th grade teacher. If you’ve ever wondered if you’ve made an impact, wonder no longer. You definitely have as you've taught me more than a textbook could and that is something of much greater value to me.

If I remember correctly, back in the day I was quite the procrastinator (which has mostly changed) – so this shouldn’t be too much of a surprise that I’m this late on simply saying thank you. Thank you for living a godly life by example while expecting nothing in return, not only then but to present day. This life has been blessed and thankful for you for many years and it was about time you knew your seemingly small actions made a world of difference. Thank you for being part of shaping the way I go about teaching, leading and coaching to name a few areas you’ve impacted.”

The day it was received, these two things were posted.

So much for not blogging. Here's number 2 today. It's a follow up on number 1. 

I've never been a big advice asker. Anyway, the short is, I asked another coach that has had my players for volleyball what she thought. She responded honestly. I responded honestly and sent it...yeah, to the player somehow. I'm seriously feeling sick to my stomach now. I was finishing writing it up as Emily called and must have just sent it incorrectly while I was on the phone. I've done this once before (to a friend in college) and I thought our friendship was over -- I was her MOH. I didn't expect Heather to handle the situation correctly and I for sure don't expect this HS girl to do so. I feel sick. My message had mentioned one other on the team and I'm telling you, if this girl didn't already manipulate me and hold things over me. This doesn't help. 

Lord, teach me something in this and please work this out for your good. Gah. I'm exhausted and this plus my period were the last things I would have like to have happen today. No such luck. 

(heavy sigh) I need to go to bed.'

I thought last night I could really use some encouragement. You know that encouragement from someone out of the blue who didn't know you needed to be encouraged. You know what I'm talking about. Ugh. I didn't think that could get to be more needed.

Yesterday, I left the house when everyone was sleeping (5:10 am – alarm 4:15) and got home when everyone was sleeping (10:30 pm). And had this waiting for me. I shouldn’t have checked my email. I will say there are days she comes in and refuses to acknowledge me as a human being, when I talk to her she won’t look or respond to me in the slightest, and when I ask her to do something she doesn’t want to do she threatens to quit. One day she loves me, the next she despises me.

"I'm sorry to inform you that I have a complaint and also thoughts of not being on the basketball team this season I, in my view have some valid reasons why I would not continue to play. I have a problem with the fact that I'm not listened to ever by you, when you talk it's all about me but, when I try to talk you don't respect me! I haven't even said anything yet and you already shut me off, when I go to open my mouth when your talking it's not to say something sassy its mostly to ask you something, tell you that I'm tired, tell you that my knees hurt, ask you how to solve something, telling you about a solution to this or that. You never give me a chance to talk, I wish I could tape one of our conversations I do so you could see, but I can't. That's why I'm asking now to just when I go to say something when your done talking to me, just to hear me out just to listen for a second cause a person can't be coach able if the coach won't listen to the player and see exactly what that player is struggling with, are with me on this? What I'm saying is give me a chance to defend or explain why I'm not doing this or that, that's all. I don't want to have to say goodbye to basketball it's a great sport but I cannot continue to play if I have communication problems with the coach, I can't, sorry. I also feel as if are conversations at practice are very repetitive, you say I'm better than this that I have potential and all this I'm not trying to sound big headed but I know I am I know I can it's when you come to me and say that and then you say I'm disrespecting you and not listening and all that it gets me angry and it makes me not want to try at all thats why I don't run, and I'm going to admit it now that's my way of having power over the coach any coach and it's wrong but I'll admit I love having power I like to be in control and I want respect that what I like, I'm not going to lie. I honestly I like feeling wanted I do like last year when I said I was done the day before districts I was mad but the way I got my revenge and that satisfaction of being wanted was when you asked me not to quit and mr yoder and my parents and the team asked me not to quit that was my way of controlling people and honestly it's wrong it is. In conclusion I just wanted to state my points and just tell you what has been on my mind since the first practice and I've covered it up but when you or anybody gets me upset it shows, it does, so that is my statement, I'm not quitting basketball, but if it continues to be a communication issue I'll have to go, because honestly physically it's not healthy and mentally either especially for me i'm right now mentally unstable I have bad depression so that doesn't help with things but I can cover it up, all I'm asking is for some resolution, let's fix this and start listening to e a c h|o t h e r and we can both have a great season, I really do think that, it's just the communication. Well thats all I have I'm done."

I know I won’t, in my power, get her to understand that if I didn’t care for her or love her, I wouldn’t take her aside and invest in her.  Believe me, it takes energy, PATIENCE, time out of practice and is unfair to the rest of the team but I do it anyway because I care about this girl. The above are big issues and it would be much easier for me to not let her try, selectively show up for practice, have a horrible attitude and just not play her. But I know it isn’t right despite her manipulation.

Believe me; I know I have much to learn as a coach but I keep thinking of that one sheep the shepherd goes to find while leaving all his other ones behind.

One small insight into coaching HS girls. This is only one of them and what they bring to the table. It’s a fulltime job to really invest but I can’t do any less. I care for them too much.

Oops forgot to post this yesterday. Hope this holds you over for 2 weeks. You won't be hearing from me until after that.

The other day I was leaving for work and mom was telling me to drive 5 car lengths behind the car in front of me. She was not kidding.

I really hate that I look like I'm a teenager.

I rarely cry. People who read this blog probably know that but I have recently discovered something I found groundbreaking. I may or may not be wrong but lets be honest, I think I'm right. You see when I cry, I cry...there is no coming back from it. Puffy eyes. Sniffling. The works. Probably because it happens so rarely. But with criers, I've recently noticed one second they can be fine, then be crying and come out the end of the same sentences not crying. It's an amazing skill in which I do not have...and I wonder if it’s a skill a person develops when they become a crier. If they cried like I did every time they cried, oh boy...they'd never have a real conversation.

I've been doing these random and useless posts for a year this month. Not sure if I’ll continue.

Listened to Christmas music for the first time on October 19th. I don't follow rules. But in my defense, Spotify recommended this to me, so I clicked out of curiosity. Thumbs up.

I'm always in defense mode. Wherever I am, I hate - hate my back to people. Restaurants, church, just standing in a room etc -- I like a wall or something behind me, so I know any harm that could possibly happen is visible to me for the sole purpose of protecting myself or someone else.

I love 1/4 zip/button shirts/pullovers. This is my weakness. More specifically NorthFace ones. I start on The North Face website where I can see all the ¼ in one place then I go over to Moosejaw and look at them. I have a problem.

There is one exception to the [unspoken] co-holding a hymnal rule. If you're married, your husband can hold it himself while you daintily sing. Possibly even dating. If not, that thing is heavy to hold up by yourself for 6 stanzas. Hold the other side, folks.

It’s official, I am not as young as I used to be. The other week, I stayed up until 1 twice and midnight another night. That used to never phase me and I would actually stay up later and more consistently than that, now I struggle to function the next day. That week I found myself taking a nap on Saturday at 3 pm, so I could be alive to do something Saturday night. Ha.

Another unspoken rule and no, the two rules were thought about at different times. I digress. There is an unspoken cross your leg rule. I feel so confined when one person on one side of me is crossed left and the other person on the other side is crossed right. Let me just sit here without crossing my legs trying not to get in the way of your feet dangling in my area. It's unspoken but really, if you all cross the same way, it makes the world a better place.

I have zero care for Halloween. No particular reason, I just don't.

I will never understand those kids at the bus stop standing outside in the cold plus drizzling rain or snow when their parent is sitting in the [warm] car waiting for the bus. Dumb child. Get in the car.

*Disclaimer*

My apologies if you come across me and I'm a walking zombie, low on patience or already irritated. I'm doing my best to keep my overall demeanor with everything going on but know I come short of that expectation of myself. For the month of November, if you could cut me a little slack, that'd be great. In December, you have my full permission to punch me in the face.

The end.