May 7, 2014

• Life.

  I’ll probably flesh this out more later but for now, my heart is heavy. Lately it feels the moment I’ve gotten up from the last “blow”, I’m hit from again. I’m not trying to be dramatic, that’s just how it feels and I know I’ll be back on my feet again. Over the past years, I know God has been teaching me over and over again to move on, to let go, and to be thankful for what was but will not continue on. It’s hard. It’s especially hard for me. I care and I invest too deeply. It’s personal.

  Esse Quam Videri. To be, rather than to seem to be was something I committed myself to this past year. Instead of being “good” and “fine” all the time, I’ve been trying to be more honest. More willing to be vulnerable and share my brokenness and my hurt. It’s still a process and always will be.

  So Monday night, going to Bible study when a group member asked about a situation I had been asking for prayer about. I found myself surprised when I responded, “it has been a rough” and sharing what had unfolded to said situation then later in the night sharing again in the midst of holding back tears.  Not people I’d call up in the midst of turmoil by any means but that doesn’t mean they didn’t still care and even offered hugs.  I had to be vulnerable to allow them to genuinely care. It was refreshing and strange, in a good way.

  Then Dad without knowing anything (still doesn’t) sends me this message out of the blue yesterday (Tuesday).

  

  And a friend randomly sends this last night.
  

  And this is not so ironically happening today.

  

  I was telling a different friend (BSF Leader) on Monday night as she was very sweetly more frustrated for me and wondering how I was taking it so well that even though, I’m hurt by the situation, I know my God. I went on to explain how I can very easily look back on my life and see how He has provided in my life. (As I’m sure if the same for many.) I see arms length in front of me and God sees it all. I have possible hope of what may happen in the future and see how some of this may prepare me for it but even that may not be the road the Lord takes me down. It’ll be hard and it currently is hard but

  I’m pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
  Struck down but not destroyed
  I’m blessed beyond the curse for His promise will endure
  And His joy’s gonna be my strength

  Though sorrow may last for  the night (*many nights)
  His joy comes in the morning.

  *my addition

  2 Corinthians 4

  I’m not trying to be stronger or “holier” than I am. I’m broken. I’m hurt. In general, I feel very directionless. BUT I stand, rest and trust on this Rock. This unwavering, loving, merciful, graceful ROCK. He may not reveal tomorrow what is next, He may not reveal it for years to come but I trust and believe in His plan and His provision for my life. I’m also incredibly thankful for the above, the small reminders of the people/things in life God sends for encouragement. He isn’t leaving me out to dry. He cares about me and that’s humbling.

  Heavy sigh of relief.

  • 10:36 am
  • 3 Comments