December 6, 2012

• I quit.

  Friday as I left, I quit my job. I’ve never quit a single thing in my life – especially a job. I always follow it through. Not this time and quite honestly, I feel like a failure. This plus something else in my life has really been weighing me down lately. If you’re 1 of 4 people that read this blog consistently, you would know this already – although, I wouldn’t blame you if you stopped reading due to the negativity or dare I say, honesty, transparency and vulnerability  of me. Something the keys of my keyboard and prayers to God are only privy to. And even then, these posts are reserved from certain subject matters.

  I know in 10 years this isn’t going to seem like anything and I’ll wonder why I felt like this all was such a trial but right now, my heart hurts. My stomach is sick and every moment, I am fighting back tears.

  Friday on the way to work – this happened. It wasn’t until I was home that I had a moment to thank my brother. He, nor anyone else in the family/really anyone really knew how awful things have been and this was my first hint of opening to them. 

  

  Then Saturday came along. This was in my car as I went to it in the morning. 

  

  Quite honestly, it almost brought me to tears. You’d think I was pregnant lately – the constant verge of tears and holding them back has been exhausting. I spent some time with my brother later that morning, some quality one on one time while picking up a tv at grandma’s house, which probably hasn’t happened since he got married (which is obviously understandable). Anyway, we talked and I filled him in a little about the job and how I’ve been struggling not to quit. 

  Later on in the day, dad and I headed to Best Buy and I knew Gabe had filled him in. My parents always ask about work but it’s a pretty generic conversation. You know, nothing different then how was school back in the day. But you also just know when someone is asking the question differently – he was. So I filled him in on work. He kept saying to keep going, not to quit etc etc. I respect my father greatly and don’t want to disappoint him or others. This week I’ve been gritting my teeth, trying to suck it up and put on my big kid pants. 

  We aren’t that family that sits around the dinner table talking about our days and problems but I never question if my family loves me. Never. We show our love and support in different ways. During basketball season, I’m rarely home and my parents don’t see me that often, so any follow up questions about my job haven’t really come up. Wednesday my dad sent me this text and I knew it was because he knew work has been a real struggle for me, which is why I answered the way I did. 

  

  Wednesday during my lunch break, I was online job hunting and discovered my job was posted last week. My boss does things anonymously so people don’t know where they are applying – I only know this because he entrusted this information to me when he loved me. I use the term loved as loosely as I possibly can. As confident as I was that this was my job, I didn’t know for sure. I did one thing, which I will openly admit was wrong to figure it out. I created a fake person and resume to apply. Despite being wrong, I will still say it was pretty genius. He never would have admitted to me he was quite literally forcing my hand to quit. Awful, right? 

  Anyway, that was Wednesday during the day. Wednesday night I had a meeting with our Pastor and Anna about design elements for the church. I really wasn’t looking forward to but those are details I won’t divulge…even here. To say the least, wrapping Wednesday as a whole was an emotionally draining day. Then I went home. I tried to avoid any questions but per usual, dad asked about work but knowing it has been awful wouldn’t let me avoid the conversation by changing the subject to Joey. I did well for about 30 seconds and the tears began to stream – I knew partly because of the events at church, which the parents/family don’t know about, and the conversation was strictly work related. Mom started in, not knowing about dad’s earlier text, about sticking it out until I find another job etc. but once the tears began to flow, the mood was different. They knew I was seriously hurting. Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I cried like that in front of my parents. I felt like a little child again but I couldn’t hold it in. They reiterated their support in my decision and even encouraged the quitting with further conversation. Like I said, I didn’t want to disappoint them and all these months of holding on, hoping, praying and striving to be a light in a dark world, I’ve been putting on a good front to show people I’ve made it. 

  I finally headed to my room and just for curiosity sake, checked the email I created. It was my job. The tears began again. I really couldn’t believe it. What kind of person treats people like that?

  Thursday was family support day. Seriously. I take love them but sometimes I think I take for granted that they’d bash people’s heads in for me.

  

  (All the above was written earlier last week.) 

  Friday I went into work knowing I was going to quit. I deleted my personal information from my record (phone number, email address, home address). I spent a good amount of time trying to find some of the explicit emails my boss had sent me but they had vanished. I wasn’t surprised though. I accidentally came across this. 

  It says, “See what Bethany has been up to…” on Linkedin on November 9. Yes, this mistreatment dates back even further than that. He is checking up on me because he thinks I will publicly say something about looking for another job. Does he think I’m an idiot? Even then, I hadn’t started looking. 

  

  Another thing you need to know about my former boss is in every email he writes, he so unprofessionally so writes “………………………………………” after every 2-3 words. I knew he had been trying to get me to quit for a little over a month. He wouldn’t fire me because 1. he has NO basis to fire me and 2. he would have to pay me unemployment. I knew it wouldn’t phase him or Janet if I quit and I knew he’d make up some story to me to the other employees. I decided not to go out quivering. Normally, I would! This time, though, I was standing up for myself and every employee that works there and/or has worked there. I sent the email to Mike and Janet then cc’d everyone else (10 people). 

  “I quit………………………………………………http://grandrapids.craigslist.org/web/3440233832.html……………………………………….good luck with that. 

  My last paycheck can be given to Sarah…………………………………………………………….. if it isn’t issued at the appropriate time, further actions will be taken.

  ———

  Everyone else, it was a pleasure working with you. I hope sooner rather than later, you’re able to find a job where you’re appropriately treated, respected and paid what you’re actually worth.”

  Then I walked out…on top of the world.  

  A friend in the office sent me this — it was a pending (which is kind of confusing but it isn’t hidden). JP = Janet MM=Mike

  “Where is her phone ###????! I’m going to call her and tell her that her little email is unprofessional and will be considered an action taken by her to interfere with our normal course of business….JP–I am sure she cleared out a bunch of stuff and hacked into our emails…………..she deleted records……….be glad she is gone. MM Yes, I am but, her email has done damage and needs to be addressed on not ignored….what rec did she delete?  she cannot hack into emails because she does not have access and frankly there’s nothing in emails. JP–she delete info in her record……..how did she get the craig’s list posting–looking??? MM

  Just unbelievable. You would think I stole from them or lost their biggest client. Neither of which being true. Yes, Mike, I found the posting. I didn’t need to do any hacking to find it – although, I could’ve easily done that if I wanted to. 

  Not an hour later, I got a facebook message, 

  “Hello my name is Jane. I used to work at IQS and I think you’re the Bethany who quit there today. If so I’d like to give you a virtual pat on the back and if you need to go out and get a drink tonight to clean the filth from that place off yourself I am available  I think what you did was phenomenal!!!!!”

  You see. I’m the first college graduate in my immediate family. This was my first real not family oriented job and…I quit. I gave up. Despite having their full support, I still feel like I’ve failed in someway. Failed them. Failed myself. Failed God. I know, deep down, this is not true and I know whatever is next in my life, God will continue to use to shape me. I felt so good – so confident that I found this job, someone actually hired me and I didn’t have to lean on family for it. I was, by the world’s standards, a grown up. Which is probably the reason I didn’t tell anyone what had really been going on there. When asked where I worked, I could rattle off I work and go off on it sounding like a real adult. I liked that. Truth be told, I loved that. Now. I’m probably worse off than square one. 

  Yet, I know without a shadow of doubt I made the right decision. I’m financially unsure of my life (not really, dad made sure to tell me that isn’t anything I need to worry about) but I don’t have income. I don’t even know the last time that was true for me. I have savings which I don’t want to touch. The car fix I planned on will need to wait but the burden has been lifted and God will provide. Amen…because I have no idea what is to come but know He will direct my paths. I really believe God blesses us in whatever path we take as long as we’re honoring Him in what we’re doing. Whether we’re sitting behind a desk all day not talking to a single soul, serving on the mission field, being a stay at home mom etc. – makes me think of this song. 

  Day 1 of unemployment. I decided to just chill. I slept in until 8. Watched a movie. Played with nephews. Did something for my uncle. Went to the store and finished writing this. Basketball practice later. Tomorrow I’ll get to work on the church website. Today I chose to relax and it was great. 

  • 5:40 am
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