June 30, 2012

• Not Coincidental.

  I’ve never been a self-conscious person nor have I really understood those that are. I’ve tried to sympathize and understand and even wonder if I should be more self-conscience of myself.

  Believe me; I have plenty I could be self-conscious about.

  My weight.

  My big boobs. It’s not all people think it is…just sayin.

  The upper part of my body is not proportional to the lower half. At all.

  The bags under my eyes. At least that’s what I think they are…

  The random birth mark on the center of my nose.

  The strange line on my hand where the top meets the palm. Really, it’s kind of gross.

  Yet none of the above have ever really made me self conscious. They have there days but not on a consistent basis where it stopped me from being I just didn’t let those things get to me. The things that "should" bother me, never did. I have always been pretty carefree. 

  Except one thing. One thing always has and probably always will make me feel self-conscious. 

  Not many know this. Actually I’m not sure I’ve ever spoken about it. 

  Although, even with this, I try to let it go because it’s kind of part of who I am. Starting in Pre-K, I had a special class I went to during the day. At first I loved it because without fail, I got a sticker or a sucker, while none of the other kids did. I was an incredibly easy kid to please, what can I say. As time went on, my naiveness wore off. I realized the reason I was in this “class” was because I had an issue.

  A speech issue. 

  It really isn’t that I say stupid things. Although that is the later part of it, for sure. I find myself after almost anytime I open my mouth thinking that was stupid and  I should’ve said something different. I wish this was a joke but it’s not. It’s a lot of wasted thought of thinking how I’ll say something better the next time etc etc because I never do. Leaving myself disappointed in myself all over again.

  The real issue is and this is probably why it hasn’t ever been a conversation – it's weird, I swear I have more saliva rolling around in my mouth than the average person, which makes when I actually do say something more difficult to understand. I physically have to try hard to make myself understandable. Clear mouth, throat - then speak. 

  Growing up and even to this day, people will tell me they can't understand me. When I was younger this really frustrated me mostly because I thought it wasn't my fault and now it frustrates me because I know it's my fault. I don't blame people for telling me they can't understand me, I really don't. 

  This is why I struggle to give my testimony in front of church, or speak in groups of people I don’t really know (whether it be a hang out, bonfire, BSF – you name it, except wedding speeches don't get me). Or when I'm asked a question and no one listens to the response. I can't tell you how much this instantly frustrates me. For me, it’s a trust thing. I'm trusting you with my insecurity - trusting you will accept it. I know that's weird but it's the truth.

  Even things I’ve written down such as a blog – when I go to speak about it, I genuinely struggle to portray my thoughts. It isn't that I don't want to because I do. Thoughts I’ve already formulated and organized, I still stumble and stutter over without fail. I don’t speak eloquently. At all. 

  This quite honestly is probably the main reason I love letter and blog writing. Probably why I’m a listener, too. It’s partially selfless but mostly selfish. And maybe you have a hard time seeing me as self-conscious about my speech. Fair enough. Like I said, I try not to let it bother me - at least so other people don't notice. But it's true. This is the only thing that really gets me. 

  Anyway, if you haven't already thought of Moses, I'll mention him now because he always comes to mind.

  Ex. 4:10-12

  Moses said to the Lord, “Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.”

  The Lord said to him, “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.”

  Exodus 6:28-7:5

  Now when the LORD spoke to Moses in Egypt, he said to him, "I am the LORD. Tell Pharaoh king of Egypt everything I tell you." But Moses said to the LORD, "Since I speak with faltering lips, why would Pharaoh listen to me?" …. But I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and though I multiply my miraculous signs and wonders in Egypt, he will not listen to you. Then I will lay my hand on Egypt and with mighty acts of judgment I will bring out my divisions, my people the Israelites. And the Egyptians will know that I am the LORD when I stretch out my hand against Egypt and bring the Israelites out of it." (NIV)

  Moses believed he had failed because he lacked the abilities to accomplish God’s task and was blaming his own inadequacies. I’ve often wondered why God didn’t give Moses the words to say. I think it was because God was revealing himself through the unexpected and the unbelievable to him. You see, God didn’t need Moses to speak for Him. Too often we are looking for God to give us the ability and strength to do what needs to be done, when we should be relying on His power and wisdom, instead of our own.

  It was Moses weakness that made God’s work possible (although, God didn’t need Moses to be weak to do them - He graciously used him). It brought Moses to the realization that he is incapable of anything without God anyway. God wants to do His work in spite of our weaknesses and inabilities. Yet we wait on God to eliminate our inabilities before we start to work for Him. The beauty in that is it’s not going to happen – we’re imperfect, sinful human beings. We MUST lean on Him - there is no other option. 

  Maybe God gives us insecurities - self-conscious attributes, so we are reminded in a very practical way that aside from Him we can do nothing. At least that's what my issue does for me. Brings me back to Him. I'm confident that's not coincidence.  

  ---

  End disclaimer. No, this wasn't pointed out recently and hasn't been an issue as of late. Just randomly on my mind. Actually, this post has been written awhile and decided to enter it into cyberspace.

  • 12:51 am
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