January 27, 2014

• Being Needed.

  The past couple weeks I have felt weighted down: spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally. I didn’t realize how much it was all affecting me until a coworker came to chat with me about work related items. Half way through the conversation, he asked, are you ok? I wasn’t expecting it and surprised by the question. I gave the generic, it has been a long week to which he responded, your just don’t seem Bethany-like, which sparked a genuine and needed conversation.

  If you know anything about my life, it’s kind of crazy. Crazy busy but I think most people can relate to this in their lives as well. I, however, like to be busy. I really, really struggle with relaxing and down time.  Even when I have it, I literally have to force myself to just sit and relax instead of doing laundry, washing dishes, dusting…you name it. I seriously struggle if these things aren’t done. You’re probably thinking I’m psychotic and some days, I think I am, too.

  I often think being busy is a drug we I am addicted to. Being busy gives us me a sense that we’re I’m needed and significant. I have to do this or that and so on. My self-worth, all too often, comes by looking at my filled up calendar by looking at quantity instead of quality of activity. When the hard core reality is the world doesn’t need me to keep going. Algoma doesn’t need me to coach. BSF doesn’t need me to attend. West Cannon doesn’t need me do all the website/video work. My nephews don’t need me to be their aunt. Whenever the Lord calls me into eternity, there will be some strings to tie up and boxes to pack but the world will continue to revolve without me in it. Sometimes that’s a hard pill to swallow.

  I remember this hitting me pretty clearly as I left Spring Arbor for the last time. My car was packed to the brim, seriously. I stood looking at campus, one foot inside my Chevy Lumina and the other on the payment as I was slightly rested on my car door, looking at a place I called home for 4 years thinking, how will it go on without me? It will easily go on – Spring Arbor doesn’t need me for it to be Spring Arbor. The real question, however, was how will I go on without it?

  In my busyness – I feel needed. Overwhelmed but needed and I like to feel needed. Don’t we all? In my, most of the time, selfless busyness, it does becomes selfish. It becomes about the quantity instead of quality, not to say you can’t have quanitity and quality. It becomes more about me instead of Him, which is why I’m so humbled each time He graciously uses my mouth to bring Him glory. No amount of hard work or busyness is ever enough when you work for salvation. That works never brings joy of accomplishment. Whatever busy things becomes a heavy burden to anyone trying to earn God’s approval with our “gifts”. God doesn’t need me but He chooses me. That’s even better.

  Sunday morning I skipped church. It was incredibly needed and truth be told, selfish. I was feeling discouraged, worn down and the last place I wanted to be was feeling misplaced at church (also selfish). I never doubt the Lord’s providence and plan for my life, but I did feel lost in the motions and swept up in the busy. Instead, I spent time with the Lord not doing devotions but in devotion to Him – then spent time writing (yes, hand writing) letters to others. It’s truly amazing how the Lord can refresh your being when you stop thinking about yourself and spend quality time investing in others.

  It’s a good lesson to learn – sometimes over and over again.

  • 11:11 am
  • Leave a comment