Well hello blog. I’m sorry I continue to neglect you. We both know that happens when life gets crazy but then I look back and get frustrated that I didn’t document any of the craziness. This will be no different.

My mind is whirling. So much is going on, I can’t keep them straight nor how to process. Right now, in this moment, I’m thinking of the holidays. I must confess, I have been listening to Christmas music for over a month now. I’m ridiculously excited for Christmas, for some reason. I’m also equally excited for a vacation the week before Christmas. It’s needed as I’m feeling very burned out in many different ways. A week away (even though, I’ll be working…hello destination photography wedding job) will be good. I won’t touch church work. I won’t touch work-work. I won’t be Coach. It sounds very relaxing…but do not get me wrong, I love those things but breaks are all but necessary.

I digress. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Why? You get the family and friends without the obligation of presents but don’t get me wrong, I LOVE giving presents! There’s something about Thanksgiving with no expectations of things that makes it special. It’s simply about each other. Even then, at the same time, holidays can be very difficult. Very lonely at times. As the years go by with family get togethers, it becomes more obvious that I’m one of the few…actually to be blunt and truthful, I am the only one in the family who hasn’t found their someone else. (Meaning of the cousins that are old enough to be dating/married.) As great as it is to spend time with them, there is still this difficulty. Please, do not think I believe being married would fix all my problems. I’m not that stupid. It’s simply around the holidays it’s more evident to me that everyone else has found their somebody else.

Am I the only one a little irritated that Black Friday is becoming Black Thursday and overshadowing what the day is actually about. As if Friday isn’t bad enough? We don’t even wait until the day of Thanksgiving is over to stop being thankful. Only in America. It’s just sad. I love a good sale, don’t get me wrong, I’m as Dutch as the next guy but instead of people being with family and friends on Thanksgiving they are waiting in line. For what? A materialistic item. My friends, we should not be ok with this fact. I might miss the big deal on (fill in the blank) but I’ve spent valuable time with my family. The decision to me, in light of the paragraph above, is clear cut. I choose people. I choose family.

For some reason, I feel exponentially better from writing the above. It’s nothing ground breaking, I know. My spirit is frustrated and burdened in so many ways right now. I need to be reminded to, as elementary as it sounds, Give Thanks with a Grateful Heart.

You’ve seen it on facebook by many. 30 days of thankfulness. Here’s mine…a one stop shop. No particular order after number 1.

1. Salvation and relationship with Jesus Christ.
2. My Grandparents. (Grandma & Grandpa Wynalda and Grandma Sanderson)
3. Family (Immediate and extended)
4. Where I work and that God provided from this.
5. Buch.
6. My basketball team as frustrating and difficult as they can be.
7. West Cannon family.
8. Laughter.
9. Hardships.
10. Nephews. They bring me such joy.
11. Food in the fridge.
12. Clothing to keep me warm.
13. My apartment.
14. Ways to keep in contact with friends who are no longer in GR.
15. Life.
16. Photography.
17. Handwritten Letters.
18. Algoma Christian.
19. Sunshine.
20. Moments to relax.
21. Chapstick.
22. Friends. Real friendships.
23. Vacations.
24. Scripture.
25. A car.
26. Giving gifts.
27. Hunting.
28. BSF. (Bible Study Fellowship)
29. Being adopted.
30. Christmas Music.

My heart is heavy and yet, it’s joyous because in the midst of it all, He is good. Does that sound cliche? Probably but that’s where my heart rests and relinquishes worries, stresses and what have you. In Him.

This is a long one, folks.

I’m making a real friend at work and I love it. Really love it. A huge blessing out of the blue. She is in the department I may possibly be promoted to in January-ish. It would not only be with some great people but it would be my dream job. Just thinking about it is exciting. (I do enjoy the position I’m in and the people in it buuuuut it would be my dream.job. and we could TALK in that department.)

Bball starts tonight. Oh boy…here goes year 3. I am looking forward to it, it just takes a lot of time and energy. Instead of morning practices this year on BSF nights, I’m going to try to squeeze it in before BSF. We’ll see how that goes. I bring someone to and from work everyday, which is why I’m not going morning practices because it would interfere with bringing her. So Mondays will look like this and I’ll get home around 10ish when I leave at 6:30. That’s an hour and a half in the car…which is fine with me (now) but I know will be much more stressful when the roads get bad. Other nights, there isn’t BSF, so it won’t be as bad and I’ll get home around 7:30 PM.

For some reason I’m really excited for Christmas this year. I have no idea why. I’ve been listening almost full out to Christmas music since the beginning of November. Normally I’d punch people like me. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and even I’m kind of looking past that onto Christmas. No idea. why. Thank you Spotify and 105.7!

I am a wretched singer. Wretched. It’s true and I know it. I don’t ever feel comfortable singing along to a song when others are around. I sing in church and at BSF because I truly believe God doesn’t care how awful it is, He sees it as a joyful noise, even though I don’t and feel very self-conscious about how badly I sing. However, there is one place, I feel very safe to just belt it out with no care in the world and sometimes, I simply just do. My car. It doesn’t judge my inability to sing and it doesn’t care or know that I can’t hit a cord to save me life. I love that, which makes me feel very comfortable to belt.it.out. Honestly, if there was one thing I wish I could do, it would be singing. Pretty sad, huh?

I think there should be a song called “Strangers with Memories”

I love where I work. I love going to work because of the people. That’s really a new thing in my life. I love that we hang out, outside of work. It’s seriously makes going to work something very different than it was before (in any job and in this one). It really has been in the last month things have really changed with this and I seriously am bubbling over with joy about it. (This was written weeks after the first one..and I almost didn’t write it because it’s practically identical.)

An email bit from the leader of a team I’m on — a big team, where I do 95% of the leg work. “I am determined that this not be a Bethany project alone.” …haha. Ok. (I wrote this before I wrote the next one…as I reading this back, I decided to move the next one up to after this one…which will make sense in a second.)

Here’s a reason I can’t leave West Cannon (if I do) for awhile…this was just in 45 minutes time and each of those emails have a lengthy amount of things I need to do. (Yikes) I’m buried in commitments that I wouldn’t feel right leaving.

Mondays – this made me laugh.

In the last month, I’ve made the move to “doing my devotions” (not a fan of the terminology) in the morning when my mind is the most fresh. At night, I am always having a hard time concentrating. My mind is racing from all the intake throughout the day: work, social medias, blogs, conversations, etc etc etc…in the morning, I wake up and don’t even look at my phone except to turn the alarm off. At first I tried doing it in my bed…haha, who was I kidding? That’s like putting a fat kid in front of a cake, telling them not to eat it and walking away. In other words, the temptation and ease to go back to sleep is way too easy. Instead, I move to my dining room table, eat breakfast and go at it. It takes self-discipline but it truly is worth it to have real quiet time with God before anything. It actually makes me look forward to waking up, which is a weird concept to me. Not only that but then throughout the day my thoughts are more focused on my study. This is not profound but to me it kind of was, the majority of my day is spent thinking. I spend a good chunk of the day in front of a computer doing work by myself with my thoughts. I often listen to sermons, music or spend time in prayer and now thinking, contemplating on my Scripture reading is also a new and refreshing way to focus thoughts.

I turned the radio on one Saturday morning on the way to breakfast and it was a Focus on the Family about pornography. I kept listening as I know it is a real struggle for some people. I can honestly say, not ever has that been something I’d want to partake in. The thought process of what do people see in it has crossed my mind but never to secretly (or not secretly) pull it up and indulge in it. Nothing about that interests me. I thank God for that. Truly.

Godvine…kind of a dumb concept. Whatever. This is a huge reason I support this show…such great values. I really tried not to like it when I finally got on the bandwagon 3 years late.

Saving this long one for last…enjoy, if you read it.

I do a lot of emailing back and forth with students. I had one in the past weeks ask about leading a prayer group (not a typical question). I started that reply with this, “I am by no means an expert at leading prayer meetings but would love to lend some advice.” She replied thanks and the next morning I had an email asking some questions about Samson. She was telling me about a question her and her mom had and this was her last line, ” Mom told me to check the internet. Thanks.” I laughed out loud. Apparently, I am the internet. (Too funny.)

Essentially she was asking whose fault was it that Samson didn’t know better…his parents for not teaching him his role or his for not following it. I’ve not studied Samson in awhile and I appreciated the time thinking about the story as I responded. This was my response,

“When I think about digesting Scripture and trying to figure out who was at “fault” about things (if it isn’t explained in the text), I always think of John 9. I’d encourage you to read it, even if you know the story. A brief overview is a man is born blind and one of the disciples asks “who sinned, this man or the parents, that he was born blind?” Meaning someone had to have sinned for him to be born blind…think of someone born mentally handicapped, disabled etc. Jesus answers “Neither this man nor his parents sinned but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.”

Samson’s calling from birth was to begin the deliverance of Israel from Philistine oppression (Judges 13:5).When reading the account of Samson’s life and his downfall with Delilah, we might tend to think Samson wasted his life and was a failure. In all reality,Samson accomplished his God assigned mission. So much so,the New Testament doesn’t list Samson’s failures, nor his incredible acts of strength. Hebrews chapter 11 names him in the “Hall of Faith” among those who “through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised … whose weakness was turned to strength.” This proves that God can use people of faith, no matter how imperfectly they live their lives.Initially I look at Samson and his infatuation with Delilah, and consider him very gullible—stupid even. His lust for Delilah blinded him to her lies and her true nature. He wanted so badly to believe she loved him, that he repeatedly fell for her deceptive ways. After the third attempt at luring out his secret, why didn’t he catch on? How blind can you be? By the fourth enticement, he completely gave in. Why didn’t he learn? Why didn’t he know better? Why did he give into temptation and give up his treasured gift? Because Samson is just like you and me when we give ourselves over to sin. In this state, we can easily be deceived because the truth becomes impossible to see. Yet, God used him despite his fault and his parent’s faults. Personally, I think Samson did know his mandate – his parents sure did because of Judges 13:5 but whether or not it was directly said to Samson, he knew…he knew about it being “his hair” (as in God) that gave him strength, yet he screwed up – just like we do, every single day. For me, it isn’t about who was ultimately at fault but how God uses us even in our sin.” Yeah, I totally preached but was on a role.

That’s all for this crazy long edition.

1. One day Grandma out of the blue calls me up and asks if she can take me shopping. She used to take us girls shopping here and there when we were younger with no style and such. In other words – boy baggy clothes. So as an adult supporting myself, it took some humbling on my part and after some hesitation (and her convincing) I did say yes. She literally squealed. Again, so excited that I would allow her to do something for me. Are you kidding me? Grandma, you don’t know how much of a blessing this will be to me. Go shopping and I’m not spending a dime. Do you see where the guilt inner struggle is (for me)? Maybe you don’t but I try to accept other people blessing me a little faster than I would before…it really is a pride thing for me. I have a hard time letting others do things for me. Anyway, all of that to say, after we went…a week or so later she calls me up. We started talking about ArtPrize and Bethany Christian Services. At this point, my boss walks in and has something to tell me…she stands there as my grandma still on a roll, changes the topic into seeing a coat she wants me to look into finding. She saw an ad for one and thought it’d be perfect for me. “A red wool coat that will keep my legs and bunners warm.” (Remember my boss is standing there and probably can hear it.) I said sure I’ll look into it trying to hurry the conversation along. Later, I sent Grandma a link of one…a little different than the one I thought she was explaining. (I don’t like long…what I call mafia coats. They don’t look good on short people.) Her email response (go Grandma for replying) made me laugh out loud, “Perfect – Is it long enough to keep your bunners & legs warm? ” It’s exactly what she said on the phone but seeing bunners written out was a riot to me. Who says bunners?

Yes, I think it will be long enough. I have short legs and a small bunner and don’t really like really long coats.

I can order it and you can pay me back if you want. You really don’t have to buy it, you’ve already done sooo much!

Yeh – It would be a privilege to purchase you a red winter coat that covers your little “bunners” – Let me know as soon as you need it. I love you, grandma

The rest is kind of on a more serious note.

My Grandparents are getting older and they talk about their own death more frequently. I really don’t enjoy these conversations. Just thinking about one of their deaths makes tears begin to form and my heart start to hurt. It’s not good and will definitely be a hard time when one and/or both of them are gone. They’ve lived great lives. I get that but it will still be hard.

Now anytime they take a picture, Grandma’s first comment is this could be the last picture with us. That wrenches my heart. That is what she said when I handed her a framed picture of this.

I thought I wrote about this before but I can’t find it. I wrote a little here about talking with Grandpa —

This past March right before I started at RBC, I took a trip to Florida to visit my grandparents. In all honesty because I know there time is shorter and it may have been the last time I could get down there for a visit. I love sitting, talking and being with them. While in Florida, Grandma took me aside and very specifically told me, you know Grandpa and I trust you and Gabe (my brother) the most out of the grandkids. (I was a little shocked by that.) She kept going about how Grandpa just doesn’t sit and talk to anyone like he does with you and Gabe. He and I both trust you very much.

That meant a lot to me. A month or so after that, she told me some things which I knew she shouldn’t have told me as it was still on the DL about other family members. She called me up and apologized, which I told her I didn’t tell anyone. She said, I knew you wouldn’t. During ArtPrize, we were sitting at dinner and she leans over to me and says, “I haven’t told anyone this, not even Jim but can you be praying for me. I think I have cancer.” Jim is a doctor which is the first person I’d think she’d tell. Her appointment was that Friday and of course, I would pray for her. I called and checked up with her after the appointment and she almost started crying because she was amazed I prayed like I said I would and that I’d follow up. Grandma, of course I will.

I love those two – so much. My Grandma Sanderson just had surgery and the man she is married to is a complete jerk. Yes, he is my grandpa but I won’t refer to him as that. Why? Because my Grandpa Wynalda is my Grandpa. A loving, caring man who takes time to be with us, pray for us and just show us he cares. I actually told him that the other day after I was stuck in a hospital room with my dad’s dad…I told Grandpa W that the best thing my grandpa sanderson does is make me more thankful for him.