June 18, 2012
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A New Prayer.
Overall this past week was not the greatest. Work was frustrating and nights were busy. Typically I’m fine with busy nights and actually, for the most part, they were enjoyable.
Thursday as I got home with my frustrations looming about softball practice, I was filled in on the most recent happenings with Mike. The details aren’t really important, although I’ll look at this post later and wish I had written them. I won’t. I will say the longer this progresses – this being his heart of selfishness, the more uncertain of his actions we become. In no way does this make me concerned for myself. He can do what he pleases with me but if anyone messes with people I love – any of them – I’m instantly in protection mode. It’s part of who I am.
Thursday night was a monumental day in my life. One, I’m not sure many have ever had nor is it one I would wish upon others. Quite honestly, it’s sad that it even had to occur. My family was gone this weekend and it would’ve been naive of us to underestimate him. With the recent happenings, my parents thought it necessary. I practiced shooting a hand gun for the main purpose of if he were to stop by, I would be prepared. We then hid it in an accessible place. I don’t think that needs to be spelled out but can you imagine that. It’s hard to comprehend because it’s not natural, at all. Afterwards I sat looking at my hands wondering if they were – if I were capable of that. The answer is yes as awful as that may sound. It’s not right these even have to be thoughts circulating through my mind but just maybe that helps give a small glimpse into our family.
My prayer since I could comprehend things with Michael has been for him to learn the difference between wisdom and knowledge. He can give you ever bullshit manipulative answer in the book because he knows that’s what he needs to say (excuse my language [if it offends you] but it’s the truth). He knows the right answer and how to wrap them in a way that is believable. But wisdom is completely different. I have Mike to thank for really understanding the difference. I can’t remember the amount of times he has sat in our house crying that he is finally saved, at one point, he began saying, “really this time”. I know it makes us sound unloving when we say we’ll wait and see. If we simply allowed him around the kids and family to do as he pleases. It’d be foolish of us.
Not 3 weeks ago he sent an email to my grandma proclaiming his salvation…again. Not to us, to grandma – this is also typical. And now he’s on cocaine and meth.
There’s a disconnect and it’s simple to diagnose. He’s missing God. And it’s not because of his upbringing. It’s because of his selfishness. He was raised under the same roof as Gabe and I, which is what makes it easy for me to say he’s choosing to be this way. He has chosen to rebel. To rebel against mom and dad. To rebel against his family. But most importantly, God.
Thursday my prayer changed after at least 15 years. I began asking God to takes this away from us – to really take it away. And maybe that’s wrong, I don’t know. I do know this family has gone through a lot trying to preserve and protect others from his selfishness. And we’ve been hurt and burned on many levels because of it. I’ve always said that we are never too far gone for God. And I believe that whole-heartedly and I’m equally as thankful for my sake and others that this is true. My prayer is for brokenness, a truly repentant heart, a 180 in his actions. And I’ll be completely honest, I’m doubtful. Not of God but of Mike. As much as I pray for myself to let go of that doubt, I know He is able despite it.
As much as my prayer is the same, I know it’s different. He knows it’s different.
Last night in church two girls sang Blessings – Laura Story which I’ve heard before. The chorus stood out to me.
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguiseI’m not crying in anger or doubting His goodness like the next verse states. I’m just ready, after well…almost 23 years of myself dealing with this and longer for my parents to be done with this trial. I know it’s not for me to tell God and I know He’ll continue to use this in our lives to mold and shape us if He sees fit but I still have a but…I hate most that this hurts my parents and leaves my grandparents unsure and ultimately unsafe. I know God is in control. I know this and I don’t doubt that…like I said, maybe it’s wrong to pray for it to be taken away.
It’s kind of sickening and saddening. I can’t imagine if this was my son – a child I carried for 9 months, loved, invested in to get nothing but spit in the face over and over again. A good reminder that this world is broken and full of sin. A good reminder that I am a sinner saved by grace. Something I should be more aware of on a daily basis.
That is all. A small glimpse into the Sanderson life and the thoughts whirling around in my mind. None of which really make sense nor can be sorted out or fixed by any human being.
Which is why I pray.
