August 12, 2011

• Who Am I?

  It's not often that I write a post about a particular person. Good or bad. Someday when I die and this blog is discovered by all those that miss me (ha, yeah...), I don't want people reading things I've written about them that I never said to them before. I'm a strong advocate in saying things now as opposed to when some health issue, accident happens. I try to be careful and honest in anything negative I may write as to not hurt people later on in life. That may be over-thinking but if you know me, I tend to over-think.

  Anyway, that aside, I often find myself asking, Who Am I that He'd bless me so greatly?  I know full well I deserve any hardship that comes my way - I deserve much more than that and yet over and over I find myself awestruck by the blessings He pours my way. I don't really wonder why. He's a loving and caring God - obviously. If He wasn't, He wouldn't have made a way for us to spend eternity with Him.

  Walt Whitman said it best when he said, "I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends." or Danica Whitfield "The best part of life is when your family become your friends, and your friends become your family."

  (Disclaimer. This is going to be a smoke blowing post ...recapping much more than planned then smoke blowing.)

  I may not have been praying specifically for a friend the way Anna had been but yet again in my life, I'm thankful God knows a need in my life before I even realize it. As far as I knew upon meeting Anna, she had been part of the group awhile. So I, coming back from CA was playing catch up. Usually when this happened, I didn't really feel the need to get to know the new person because I was home for a week or a weekend (then back to school) and the next time I was home, the person would probably not be around anymore.

  This time, I was home for good.

  So "scum night" comes along (mid January, I believe...wish I could remember this exact date -- oh just found a text...response to me asking how long she has been hanging out with the group, "Yeah I hung out with Kae, Teresa, and Yvonne for the first time after new years. I think that was the Fri before scum night when I met you...." there was more...but that would mean the weekend of Jan. 14ish was scum night.). I'm still unsure how I didn't really hang out with the group until then. I was unaware that they had been hanging out with someone new. For me, my thought process was she isn't new to the group. Just new to me because I've been gone. This is why it didn't strike me as strange that I was the only person that felt somewhat bad we stuck her with the scum position despite the fact she'd never played. I don't remember much from Scum night, just feeling like a jerk and apologizing over and over again to this person I knew nothing about but her name and Scum playing history. 

  The time between scum night and Kae's birthday is a blur except I remember specifically trying to find small moments to ask some kind of question that would start up some kind of conversation. I figured everyone else already knew and I was playing catch up. It's nearly impossible to do that in a group setting. Frustration, for me, continued to boil inside.

  The night we celebrated Kae's bday (Feb 4) and hanging out at Wilterink's house afterwards was when I made up my mind I wanted to get to know Anna. Not because of feeling like a jerk and playing catch up but because it was evident in the small bits of conversation we had, the kind of person she was, even without really knowing her. It's hard to explain but sometimes you just know a quality person when you meet them. At Kae's party was the first time I remember really looking for moments to strike up conversations. Like letting everyone pawn over how awesome Anna's popup bday card was (not that I didn't think it was cool... although, I never did see it) but I saw that as a moment to specifically say something or sitting on the couch and the others playing Just Dance. I saw as an opportunity, conversation started, AND conversation interrupted abruptly because it was our turn, then sitting down and trying to start the conversation back up. I remembering feeling frustrated and stupid, wondering how annoying this must be for her to repeat things or wondering if it looked like I was trying too hard. 

  The next day we went to dinner at Logan's - it was just the girls, which was the first time that happened since I met Anna. It wasn't until the end of the meal I found out Anna was paying. Umm, why is Anna paying? Again, I felt like a jerk. Still under the impression that I was the only one who didn't know her, I felt like I was using her for her gift card. I didn't come because I thought she was paying. Do you say that? How? Insert my apologies, again. We headed over to the Strayhorn resident to make some treats for Sunday school and then the moment it all clicked and the pieces fell into place. Instead of standing around talking like we usually did, someone proclaimed we go to the living room and "get to know Anna". What do you mean get to know Anna?? Flags, flashbacks, questions...don't you know Anna? NOW I REALLY feel like a jerk, if I didn't before. A bigger jerk because we made her be scum - seriously, just a game...someone could have taken that, we sat and had conversations about the past (which I had assumed they filled her in on a little), we let her pay for Logans....personally, I was embarrassed for our group and sorry to her. I understand, to an extent, not treating her differently because she was new to the group but COME ON.

  So here we sit...asking questions...no...interrogating Anna in her own living room. Oh my word. I'm not really sure I asked anything I was so dumbfounded as I think she was from what I tried to gather. I can't remember how that ended but I remember wanting to speak up, whether I did, I can't remember.

  After that night, I made the conscience decision to get to know her on a more personal basis. It's rare that any of us within the group get together one on one but I went out on a limb because group settings was obviously not cutting it. The next week (Feb 10) I asked her to a dinner theatre that my aunts church was putting on. I figured that would be a step in the right direction of starting a friendship and getting to actually know her. Feb 12 was the dinner theatre disaster. The play itself was just random and off the walls. I genuinely sat there thinking there is no way we're going to be friends after inviting her to this thing. Beka invited us back to her house to play some games. I rode back with Anna and we chatted it up one on one for the first time then played games with Beka. It wasn't a complete failure. 

  Then Feb 14....Ben texts Anna if she and I want to hang out with him (it's important to note, I didn't get a text asking if I wanted to hang out and Anna checked with me first). Anyway, that struck up a good texting convo between Anna and I about past relationships, church, BSF, when she started hanging with the group, amongst other topics.

  One thing continued to roll into another - texts, Chili dates, emails.

  Anna Strayhorn. Everyone should know her. ha, that was heartfelt wasn't it? BUT seriously...not a day goes by that I'm not thankful our paths crossed. The past couple days in particular have just been genuine. There is no better word to describe it. It feels, in a sense, something was lifted and we are free to be friends and we weren't missing that opportunity. It amazes me that at the beginning of the year, we weren't friends and hands down, I'd say she's one of my closest friends. Not even that. She's my sister and not just in Christ. Through all the things that have gone down since January, her character shined through. Hers is one nothing short of humility and grace grounded firmly in her faith allowing her to love like the One that first loved her. A walking, talking advocate for Christ in the way she conducts her life through speech and action. I constantly find myself blown away by who she is in Him and thankful to be on the receiving end of so many blessings. 

  Anna is slow to speak and quick to listen, which is what make her words so meaningful whether spoken or written. She isn't flippant with them. They are thought out and said with love and meaning. Trustworthy beyond words. Her yes is yes and no is no. You can confide in her and not simply because she won't run her mouth but because she comes along side whatever was confided, big or small, commits it to prayer (with or without) being asked, supporting and encouraging. 

  She asks a question and listen for a response. She cares and shows it without reserve. There are very few people in my life that I can say genuinely care the way she does.

  Our friendship is natural. One moment we can be joking around and the other in some serious conversation. It's a perfect mix between the two. We're not constantly joking around together and waiting for email/text/letter for a heartfelt conversation. We can and do have them face to face. We can sit for hours upon hours simply talking about things - we've done it and continue to do it, often.  I can tell her to stop talking, to look at me and tell her to "shut up" and she gets the meaning. I'm not being a jerk - there are just no other words to tell her to stop saying something that's not true, except shut up. I love that we can rag on each other and not take offense -- it's just genuine and real. We aren't afraid the other is taking something out of context - we know we're messing around. She can say "brown people suck" and know I'm not at home wondering if she really thinks that. Surface "issues" are left where they should be, on the surface. Drama isn't in her vocabulary. A-freakin-men. She wants it out of her life as much as I want it far from mine. It's a beautiful thing and makes for a stronger friendship.

  I love how the opportunity to serve together at church fell into our laps. It's all in God's timing and a little thanks to Kae for dropping our names we've turned into a serving dual - not only in Sunday school but with the re-branding of West Cannon. It really isn't that big of a commitment (Sunday School) but there is definitely a different level of friendship when you turn your attention on children, knowing a good friend is right there beside you stepping up, helping out in whatever way necessary. 

  There are few people in my life that I'm consciously thankful my name is associated with and hers is one of them. It's a blessing to be called her friend. Ever read Prov 31...some man is going to be one blessed guy for the rest of his life. She is a woman of noble character. Bottom line. I've crossed paths with many people in my life but when you cross paths with an Anna Strayhorn, you best take notice. A true friend. A rarity amongst so many. I have no doubt a friendship like this will surpass the test of time not because of the person I am but because of the kind of person she is before Christ. Quality. I'm thankful for the way God worked, formed and molded who she is and who I am separately so as friends we'd have an unwavering foundation.

  Who am I Lord that you would bless me so greatly by knowing her? I don't deserve it. I wholeheartedly know I don't deserve it and you bless me anyway.  Phil. 1:3, "I thank God every time I remember you" couldn't be more true...I feel like a broken record when I thank her for being such a good friend and I know all the glory goes to God anyway. He can't get sick of me being thankful right? She may have been the one praying specifically for a friend and I'm thankful her prayer was answered (even if the answer was just me). She deserves people in her life that will really take the time to get to know her, not for what she can give back in the friendship but simply because they want to be friends with her. After all, that's the friend she is. I'm thankful, blessed and honored to serve a God who knew my need for a friend like Anna before I was even aware of the things we'd walk through together. 

  To think, this is only the beginning. We've got a long road ahead of us until we're 92 and personally, I'm looking forward to it.

  • 11:58 pm
  • Comments Off