November 30, 2010
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where does my heart lie?
This is a question i’ve been wrestling with quite a bit as i begin to think about the future and where life may lead me.
I have been talking a lot about camp with another guy here. He did video at a summer camp and they are going to give him a full time job. I keep secretly hoping Grace would do that but as much as I love Grace and I do. I’m not sure if full time there would be good for me. Most the full time are married with kids – I don’t know how much I’d fit in anyways. I’m realizing how much I did love working at camp and how I could improve there work, especially at Grace. I don’t know – they aren’t offering me a job.
I also want to do something that will make a difference – missions videos – which almost all are completely free or you raise support. I don’t feel OK doing that. Or documentary editing – I’d love to do that but that would be a lot of freelance stuff.
Ideally I want to be secure in a job.An orphanage. sigh. God you know my heart.
I have been applying to jobs here and there because well, I need a job. A part of me is disappointed when I don’t hear back but I know God is just telling me to trust Him. He knows just as much as I do, I’m not passionate about any of the jobs I’ve applied to. He’s in control. I know this.
I can’t believe in 11 days I will be officially graduated from college, an adult, and unemployed road tripping back with my bestfriend to live in my parent’s basement. haha…doesn’t that sound depressing? It really isn’t though – I know my parents will let me stay in the basement as long as I need without making me pay rent.
I’m a little afraid that when I go home it isn’t going to feel like home – I haven’t been to my church in so long. I’ll now be done with college, which means I should actually find a different sunday school class – become a member. I still don’t want to do that if I’m not sure if I’ll be around. It’s my church but it kind of isn’t. The past 5 years I’ve come and gone over breaks. It will always be a place I feel comfortable but unless I get a job in Grand Rapids, MI – it will be the church I grew up in, which is where a lot of church family is. I will always feel welcomed there – they are my church family and I love going back to them. I love when people I haven’t seen in awhile ask me how life has been – what I’m up to – what God is doing.
